I work overnights at a group home for high risk teen girls. I have 4 daughters of my own, ages 7, 11, 13 and 15, and was blessed with incredibly intelligent, beautiful children. I have a man who loves me and the kids, though they are not biologically his. I am buying the home we live in, we have a dog….things should be perfect.
They aren’t.
Every night, I sit at this desk, and think about my death. I’ve gone past feeling guilty about how it will effect my family, to the point where I have almost convinced myself that it would be a disservice to them to continue on this way, perpetually, fundamentally miserable and unhappy.
At home, I sleep during their waking hours, and when I am awake, I have no desire to do anything. The sheer amount of psychiatric and other medications I am on makes me choke when I take them. And I do, take them.
There are moments that I do get scared, and I convince myself for a little while that I don’t want to die, that I don’t want to hang myself from the door knob with a phone cord, or park my car in an empty lot and toss back a bottle of antifreeze and prescription meds.
More often than not, I can’t make myself believe that. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I am so tired of waiting for a good day to come, only to be scared to enjoy it because it never lasts, and the bad days are so much worse then. Luke has asked me if I need to go to hospital, and I get angry and tell him that I don’t have that luxury…because I could lose my job, my family, etc.
So I must care on some level…even if its only because it wouldn’t be on my terms.
2 comments
beeing at my yong age (16) i cant say aney thing to help but think of your kids all the times you will miss if you left the world thay would miss you by an un imagenel amont. if you left them behind it would efet ther lives drematecly. the happy and the sometimes frustrating times are all worth it you will look back and remeber them gowing up and smile remanising on times gon by seeing them grow up then you can be prowd of them and your self for stiking it trow. like i say i cant understand how you exsactly you feel but iv got a good ider of how it must efet you
my thorts are with you brother
love xxxx
Sometimes life can seem so overwhelming. Daily you have to see the struggle of the high risk girls and wonder how is it that “my 4 girls” have it so good. How easily “your girls” can become “those girls” in the flash that you were no longer here.
Noone can take away the feelings you have, but the fact that you love your children so much to consider them over yourself is worth noting. And yes you do care…