You are so LOVED!!!!!!!!!!  I am a survivor of severe depression and know what its like to have been the brunt of every joke throughout my entire school career, to be in a room and feel so completely alone, to not fit into my own family.  There is HOPE for everyone of you contemplating suicide.  Killing yourself is not the answer.  There is so much that each of you have to offer that others around would miss out on completely.  You cannot see that and I know that because I was there, but you have to CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!  There doesn’t have to be a reason to choose to believe, just make the decision.  Choose to LIVE.  You are WORTH every breath that it takes to keep your body going.  Don’t give up on life!
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Somehow i don’t believe you. Experience trumps belief.
Maybe most people just suck, and we shouldn’t care if they don’t like us?
Maybe that includes family.
Maybe i don’t (and we shouldn’t) want to belong to a society that isn’t worth belonging to?
Hope? For what? For people to change, so that the world becomes less shitty while we’re still alive to enjoy it, after we’re finally too old to do anything?
If everyone sucks and i don’t care whether they like me, why should i care whether they miss out on something i could offer, if they don’t even appreciate it in the first place?
Believe in myself? I don’t have to do that, because i already know i exist. I am quite aware of the fact that i am, in fact, here.
Why should i “just decide” to choose to live in misery, for no reason other than to appease those who will not change, do not “like” me, and only want me to be something i’m not, which i don’t want to be?
Of course i’m am worth my own value.
The problem is that an unwanted life in an irreparably dissatisfying world, is not worth Me.
I don’t know anyone who is worth continuing my suffering. I’m sure that is a mutual sentiment. I don’t want a miserable life in a miserable world that doesn’t want me.
No one i know, defines “Love” the way i do, and so “Love” cannot exist for me. I don’t much care for the way others define it; it seems so… arbitrary, superficial, shallow, to me.
People can claim to love, until the end of their days… but as long as they’re not showing me that it means something i want it to mean, then it’s completely irrelevant.
It’s not “life” i’m giving up on, it’s this world, and the faith in other human beings.
People suck. Why should i want to be here? Why should i care if people who suck, “love” me? Especially since they obviously don’t define it in any way that i value.
Suicide isn’t the ideal solution… but it’s certainly the most effective. Death means none of this matters anymore. People can say i was selfish or sick or disturbed, or criticize and misunderstand and misrepresent, in any way they see fit… and once i’m not here to know or care, i won’t have to deal with any of it.
Thanks, but to a lot of people it isn’t that simple. When I first started everything I thought it was as easy as just stopping one day. I’ve been finding out that;s not true for over two years, but I’m glad you found a way to stop. Everyone deserves that.
It isn’t simple for sure. I didn’t want to communicate that at all. Its a hard choice. Its a hard decision, but it is a decision that we can make. Its a daily decision to live for Someone greater than myself. At the beginning it was a minute by minute decision, but now I don’t even deal with depression, but I had to choose that road for it to be opened to me. Granted, I’m not walking this path of my own power, but I’m not supposed to talk about that on here….
Choosing to believe in something trumps experience in the long run. Yes, at first, experience seems to trump belief, but you can’t give up on it that quickly. No, we shouldn’t care what people think of us or whether or not they like us. It took me a long time to get to that point and I mean years, but its a good place to be. Once there, you find out that you’re not as lonely as you thought you were. Get outside of yourself and see what it is going on in the world around you, put yourself in other people’s lives on purpose and you’ll find people who care.
Hope for the future. Hope in the world that YOU have the power to change. Each and every person has the power to change this world for the better, if they believe in themselves and live their life to the fullest. Maybe you don’t change the entire world, but reaching one person and changing their life for the better, isn’t that enough?
Even if people don’t appreciate what you have to offer, should you let that make your decisions? Would you really take something away from someone if you knew it was benefiting them but they didn’t? That seems pretty cold hearted….
Believing in yourself is believing in you as a person, not that you exist. Of course you do, but what I mean is believing in what you have to offer, in who you are as a person, in how you affect other people’s lives. I guarantee you there is at least one person in your life who is watching you, whether you know this or not. They look to you for an example and will follow your example. It could be anyone. A brother, sister, best friend, etc. I also guarantee you that there are people in your life whom you wouldn’t even imagine would call you a friend, but they really do. The only thing that sucks about all of this is that we are cursed with silence and therefore, people don’t speak out. So, they’ve never told you that you are a friend to them.
Its not about choosing to live in misery, its about choosing to live above the misery that is in this world and doing something about it. As I have said before, we all have the ability to influence others, why not make that choice? Instead of giving up and walking away from life, give your life to whatever your strengths are and devote your life to reaching people and touching lives? Its not about appeasing others. Its about living life for yourself and living it to the fullest! For me, thats music and performing and sharing my story with others. That looks different for everyone. Find what it is that makes you come alive.
There is no one who is unwanted in this world. Maybe people are unwanted by other people on this earth, but there is One who wants everyone and who pursues everyone in His way.
No one is worth continuing your suffering, so choose to walk out of it. Its definitely not easy. its hard as hell and can be one of the hardest things you ever do in life, but it is one of the best.
Love does exist for you, don’t give up on searching for it. Stick to your definition of love, and persevere. Perseverance will bring a reward for you, I promise. Also remember that love looks differently to different people. I receive love through words of affirmation and spending time with people. A lot of people I know wouldn’t receive love that way, so I have to find out what love is to them so I can show it to other people.
I know this world is disappointing, but just because this world sucks, does that mean you need to end your life???? I don’t think so. There’s so much more that you can do and be and use that to change this world, or at least the world around you.
Here’s an interesting/provoking thought…. What if everyone in the world gave up on trying to please themselves and truly started living for each other??? Started caring for other people like they were caring for themselves? I think that would be a radical shift in our world culture.
-“Choosing to believe in something trumps experience in the long run.”
How? As time progresses, experience increases, and objective reality becomes more and more accurately defined. Unless, of course, our minds start failing… at which point i guess reality wouldn’t matter much anymore.
Too quickly? I’m almost 33. I’ve seen enough to know that certain beliefs have zero basis in reality. Life is reality. Therefore, my perspective is based on life, rather than fantasy.
I disagree that i’m less lonely. Sure, i’m less needy of others’ approval, but now i realize just how very few people are likely to exist in this world, whom i would actually want to find… and even fewer who would want to find me.
I’m all about appreciating perspective, and fully understand that mine is mine, and that other beings are oriented toward their own experience of reality, which quite often makes them unable to understand my perspective. “No one understands me.” It’s not that i expect that anyone ever could. It’s that i am quite certain that most would see my perspective, and thus, their perception of my personality, as incompatible with their own experience of reality. That’s an insurmountable gap between worlds… and we all exist in this same realm, surrounded by people who cannot understand us, shunned by those who find us unpleasant or frightening.
Why should i care what anyone else cares about? Well, because it’s necessary to understand the perspectives and perceptions of those who would so easily shun me, thereby decreasing my enjoyment of this so-called “beautiful” experience we call “life.” It’s necessary to know someone’s thoughts, so that we can attempt to manipulate them when necessary to achieve whatever is worth striving for. And if you stop trying to change anyone’s mind, you’ll find that very few people are actually naturally compatible with an accurate view of the world. Most are only compatible with a fantasy-based outlook… which doesn’t work for me.
I am not aware of anything “crucial” that i am doing to benefit anyone, aside from free thought exchange with those willing to listen, and attempting to help guide my sister through her own existential awakening. She’s surrounded by the same mentally incompetent people who have contributed to the ruining of my life, and she has ended up in a position she now realizes was a huge mistake… and is trying to find her way through. I can’t really help her as much as i want to… but i can at least make her think, and help her identify which questions she should be asking. But i think she is far enough along that she would be able to find her way without me, as long as she decides to manifest the strength and courage to push through. Sure, she would be devastated by my departure, but i know she would understand almost all of my motivations to exit, and would at least appreciate the fact that i no longer suffer. It’s always sad to lose someone… but none of us are here forever, and sometimes it’s just time to go, because what’s left isn’t necessary or useful anymore. I think that, more than anything, it would be a spark to spur her in a new direction… which she may not be able to do while i’m still here. How’s that for “hope?” My mother, on the other hand… would certainly be ruined… but i think she’s too far gone anyway. I can’t really have a conversation with her anymore. It’s very sad. My father lives elsewhere, and the last time we talked, the only real answers he could give were along the lines of “you just have to do it.” (find a way to live, for some arbitrary and mysterious purpose) I don’t think i can get through to him either.
My youngest sister just got married to a seemingly great guy whose family is somewhat wealthy. She’ll be fine.
Aside from these people, and my beloved canine, i have no friends, no life, no reason to continue suffering, and no chance to succeed in creating a life that is suitable and acceptable for me.
There are too many problems, most of which were not my choice, are not my fault, and are not within my realm of influence to change. I’ve spent countless hours attempting to reason and explain, but inevitably, i am always met with disgust, disdain, and accusations that i am “making excuses,” when in fact, i am simply trying to explain what is wrong, and why, and that i feel trapped… because no one else has the answers i need, and i can’t figure it out.
And because i can’t figure it out, i can’t escape the paradox, and cannot even /begin/ to work toward any worthy goal. All i can do is wait for my life to end, or for my circumstance to change, forcing me to choose my exit then.
I can’t do the things people expect i should be able to do, or even what i expect of myself. I try to explain why, but no one understands, and they all try to blame me for what i didn’t choose, and cannot solve. I try to express the reasons they should shift their expectations, but no one ever seems to think i know myself well enough for them to listen. They apparently know what’s wrong with me better than i do… even though it’s obvious that they either can’t, or won’t, understand what i try to explain. It’s all just dismissed as “complaint” or “whining” or… whatever.
I’m just tired of it all. I obviously can’t make it, and i can’t change things i need to change, and i can’t find anyone who can help. The resulting life is what i don’t want… and yet it’s that, or nothing. And so i start to feel like “nothing” wouldn’t be so terrible. It’s not my first choice, but it’s better than being miserable with no way out.
I am already defeated, despite the time remaining on the clock. It’s early 3rd quarter, but my starting lineup is already off the field, and i’d rather not continue being blown out. What’s the point? I can either give the backups a chance to save some face, in an impossible scenario, risking further injury and pain… or i can just forfeit the game, and let everyone go home. Sell the team, get out of the business, and let the dispersed resources be reabsorbed into another organization. It’s not just a loss… it’s such an embarrassingly bad defeat, that i just can’t imagine anything will ever be right again. I can imagine things being right… but i can’t imagine such a fantastical outcome actually manifesting into reality. I was never “that good” to begin with, but now i see i never had even a slim hope of being competitive. I did try, when i had hope, when i could believe… but experience has proven those beliefs and hopes to be false, or at best, unrealistic. I can’t really use the lessons i’ve learned… and often because no one wants to learn those things. No one wants the observations i’ve experienced, to be true… and so, since they can’t accept the truth of what i try to say, they choose instead to ignore me, or to insist that i am wrong, somehow. They choose the hopeful fantasy, over the reality i experienced. I can’t blame them. I wish i could choose that… but i can’t unsee what i’ve seen.
I am certain that i have, at least on a small scale, contributed to improving at least several lives. It isn’t enough. But… and here’s the interesting part: if i say it IS enough, then i have completed a worthy objective, and may now depart without feeling like i did nothing at all. If it’s enough… then it has been completed.
But it’s not enough at all. The changes i was able to make were not enough to prevent me from being miserable and suffering. The changes i made were not enough to *significantly* improve anything. The efforts i expended did not result in making my life good. And now i don’t even have false hopes and unrealistic beliefs, with which to motivate sustained or even greater efforts… and even if i did, even if i had indomitable will and endless energy… my body is now so degraded that i can’t even do much of anything, and cannot stay reliably focused long enough to complete enough useful tasks to be valued by those who would otherwise gladly employ me.
I don’t have anything anyone wants… so how can i live?
I can’t even be the minimum acceptable manifestation of me, even with the maximum effort, sustained for the longest period of time.
I can’t make enough of a difference to be worth my own time… even though, perhaps because, i value my time so much more than anyone else does.
It’s not “just because the world sucks” that i want to end my life. I can’t live my life, because of the ways the world sucks. I want to end it, because i can’t live it well enough… and i can predict that persistence will not only not pay off, but will only prolong the requirement for me to endure what is not worth enduring.
We can talk about “what-if’s” all day long, but in the end, that’s not the way the world is, or will ever be. That’s not how people are. Not enough people want everyone to become what you mention.
“No one is worth continuing your suffering, so choose to walk out of it.”
I don’t think the amount of suffering and lack of success i anticipate, allows me to be worth my own suffering… and so i have thoroughly considered the choice to “just walk out of it.” And i would agree, choosing to “just walk out of” my own life, would probably be the most difficult thing i’d ever do. It would certainly be the last, and would not be the option i wanted… but would be the most effective one available.
I probably missed some of what i originally wanted to say… but, that’s life.
To me it doesn’t matter how much that I am loved (I am not, by the way). But love does not take away anguish. Love and hope can do nothing to repair a body like mine that is disabled and slowly deteriorating. I tried for many years to live “for others” but I believe I deserve a life of my own, a life I will never have in this world. I am leaving….at the first successful attempt…..because more than love and more than hope I want to be free. I want to be myself and do what I know is right for myself.