Im pretty sure i like the idea of dying more then i like the idea of living.
For me, i dont see the point in living to be honest. We all die one day.
Im not the same person i was 3 years ago. Everything has changed for me.
3 years ago, my mother died. i was only 14.
i guess id rather be with her then with the people im with now.
im never happy anymore… like at all.
i fake it all the time. i guess everyone does at some point.
i can never be open with anyone because im scared they are just going to judge me.
id rather torture myself with the sadness and hurt, then to bug my friends and family with my pain.
then wouldnt care anyways….
i cut myself for awhile….. that didnt help at all.
ive tried to kill myself before…. just with pills. like heart pills and sleeping pills….
i like the feeling…. the fast heart beat, the lightheadedness, the sweating…. the feeling of this might be my last breath..
but it never works…..
4 comments
Yes I’d prefer dying too. Only recently did I figure out that I probably won’t “know” that I’m actually dead. So that takes a little bit away, but it’s still better than suffering everyday I think. Thanks for sharing a part of your story.
open up to someone, internalizing it is bad for you. get a consoler or call someone in your extended family even. you are still young and can change. no one stays the same person btw, people change all the time.
@unwantedburden: Your writing made me feel a bit less alone. I DO like the idea of dying more than I like the idea of being here. And I hear ya–I fake it too, because, like you said, telling people the truth only encumbers them. Then their pity turns into disgust and hatred. So, like you said, better to endure the hell of emotional pain alone.
Peace
You don’t have to be alone in this. I take life one day at a time, and it feels like it goes by so slow. I live for the people that want to see me die. I live off of spite for the friend who left me alone when I tried to kill myself. Because it bothers her to see me living everyday, even if it’s only a half life.