What now???

New here…first attempt was at 14 with several handfuls off aspirin.  After an afternoon of feeling like I was going to have my head split in two whenever I moved, mom arrived home  and told me that it “served me right”, even though I told her that I just didn’t feel good about anything and probably shouldn’t be alive.  Second attempt(s) weren’t much later, cutting myself with scissors.  I don’t think these were serious attempts, just an effort to make something feel better…you know, a little pain sometimes makes the good times seem better.  Descended into the trap of alcohol and sex to try to make my brain feel better.  Third foray into the blackness was about 13 years ago when I realized that I could never live up to my own expectations.  I wasn’t the mom I wanted to be, everything was much harder than I had bargained for.  No 6figure income for me, even with my 7 years of university.  Broke out of that for a short while and became an alcoholic to numb all of the emotions that I felt, although I suspect that there was a (and still is) mental health issue.  Finally went to treatment for the addiction in 2008 and recognized that I needed further help.  Because I didn’t have a family doctor, I couldn’t continue treatment under the psychiatrist I was seeing…began to self-medicate with whatever was around.  Day before yesterday I had decided that my family did not need the burden of an alcoholic, messed up person and I would do them all a favour by just getting out of Dodge.  Husband didn’t quite see it that way and forced me to throw up whatever I had consumed like he did 5 years ago.  Now here I am, 42 years old and wondering why in Hell I’m here.  Most of the time I convince myself that I’m here to suffer so others can have good things, but that ain’t so easy to do anymore.  I just think that I’m too broken and damaged in the first place for any good to come from me living.  I refuse to confide in any one from my family because there are some who think that I’m only doing it for attention