Can’t Take One More Thing

I have never talked much about my ongoing desire to commit suicide but it is always there.  I feel like I have constant struggle in my life.  Struggle to deal with a painful aging body, lack of money and financial debt that seems hopeless, shingles in my eye that won’t go away,  my dog is dying of lymphoma, no energy, partner and I have been hiv+ for almost 3 years and together for 20.  I’m a hair stylist and need to be “on” in front of my clients and other stylists I work with, like everything is fine.  All I want to do is cry, my meds aren’t working, but I feel like I have a lot to depress me and I question whether there even is a god or not.  I have always believed in god and been a spiritual person.

Does anyone know how many ambien it takes to kill yourself?  I don’t want to try and also fail at suicide.