I am sad because i know in my heart i could be so much more but i feel like ive been clawing at a closed door for so long all i have left are these sratches in the wood like the ones in my flesh.
I want so bad to be a better person. i Wish that i could hold you in my arms and hear you cry. Then sit under the stars and marvel at your eyes which shine so bright they swallow my mind and heart. i want to love, to be loved. and even if this door never opens then just maybe i can claw my way through.
because i feel trapped, because i feel crazy, because there’s nobody there for me that knows how bad things are for me. because i feel like nobody cares.
…because I know I will never be happy again. I’ve only been happy when living in a fantasyland that I didn’t KNOW was fantasyland until it vanished. I can’t just ~pretend~ because if I’m aware that it’s not real, I can only achieve false-happy status, which isn’t even in the same league as true-happy and is accompanied by another harsh fall back to reality — plus I’m just too painfully aware now.
Because I hurt the ones I love, because I feel so empty an alone, because I might really be crazy an too afraid to get help, because my body betrays me. Because I can’t pull the trigger
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Because I pushed away everything I had, only because I was so sad.
I am sad because i know in my heart i could be so much more but i feel like ive been clawing at a closed door for so long all i have left are these sratches in the wood like the ones in my flesh.
I want so bad to be a better person. i Wish that i could hold you in my arms and hear you cry. Then sit under the stars and marvel at your eyes which shine so bright they swallow my mind and heart. i want to love, to be loved. and even if this door never opens then just maybe i can claw my way through.
because i feel trapped, because i feel crazy, because there’s nobody there for me that knows how bad things are for me. because i feel like nobody cares.
“…because i wanted to be happy.”
Because my level of happy seems to peak at total apathy no matter what I do.
I’ll be doing more of these…
I’m not sad…not clinically depressed at all; I just feel empty.
…because I know I will never be happy again. I’ve only been happy when living in a fantasyland that I didn’t KNOW was fantasyland until it vanished. I can’t just ~pretend~ because if I’m aware that it’s not real, I can only achieve false-happy status, which isn’t even in the same league as true-happy and is accompanied by another harsh fall back to reality — plus I’m just too painfully aware now.
Because I hurt the ones I love, because I feel so empty an alone, because I might really be crazy an too afraid to get help, because my body betrays me. Because I can’t pull the trigger