Waking up to face the day has never felt harder. I can’t remember the last time I was eager to see tomorrow. I’ve always been the sensitive type. I’m always afraid of being judged. I always beat myself up and I’m disgusted with how I handle setbacks and hardships. I don’t trust people. And it’s very hard for me to warm up to anyone. I wear a mask to get by, showing off a joke of a smile.
I am now 22 years old. I’ll turn 23 in July. I’m aware that I’m young, but I’ve accomplished so little. A lot of the things I’ve pursued have gone to shit. I wasted 4 years in college, pursuing a degree I wasn’t even interested in. I figured I’d get a job and tolerate it. Who cares? At least I’d get paid. But of course, I tried to find a job with my education and yielded nothing. Now if I want to pursue anything meaningful, I’m staring down the barrel of another 4-5 years of school, which I don’t think I can bear. How am I supposed to figure out what I want to do with my life if I have a compulsion to drive a knife across my throat?
My social life and relationships are a joke. I’ve got a pitiful social circle. I’ve got two friends who I seem to get along with rather easily at times, but they’re about as socially inept as I am. I invite them out, but they practically never invite me out. Even with them, I just talk about the same meaningless shit every time we meet. Conversations with my “good” friends are terribly shallow. I haven’t told them about the severity of my depression, but I know I’d get the usual response. They’ll tell me I’m not alone and dish out a personal experience of theirs and explain how they dealt with their troubles. My family did just that. I understand their intention, but I don’t appreciate it. Other people having a hard time doesn’t change the fact that I feel exhausted and worthless. My therapist told me that I’d have to be a total asshole to not have friends, and that he doesn’t think I fall in that camp. But maybe I am an asshole. I’ve become so irritable lately, even the smallest nuisance drives me fucking crazy.
I have quite a bit of social anxiety and feel most comfortable avoiding people, but I want to be around people, which is maddening. I’ve been on dates, but they haven’t gone anywhere. Most of them were truly pathetic. I was chasing after girls with expectations that were much too high. I can’t flirt or show any degree of romantic interest to save my life. I’m petrified to try. I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve never even had an earnest kiss. It’s so fucking pathetic.
The world asks for so much. It asks to you look proper, to be kind and welcoming, to be at your best all the damn time. It’s nothing but posturing. Hardly anyone even tries anymore, it seems. And if they do, it just seems so fake. I’m tired of wearing a mask. If I manage to tear down years of reinforced negative thinking and keep myself alive, my reward is to deal with more people. People who’ll judge me, people who won’t give me the time of day. And I’ll judge them too, struggling to give them even a sliver of baseline acknowledgement.
This is way too long. Congrats if you’ve read this far. Like everyone else here, I’m tired.
4 comments
Then take off your f-ing mask already. What are you hiding from? If you’re unhappy and you don’t really like the direction your life is going then let the person you are on the inside out and tell everyone else to f off. Be you and the people you need will come to you.
Thanks for commenting. It might be good to hash this out. I appreciate your suggestion, but I don’t think it would help in the long run. As much as I don’t like to deal with people, you need them to get by. You have to network to make things easier in the workplace, building connections and so on. To make friends, you’ve got to put yourself out there. Ha, not to mention work would be nigh impossible (I work as a server. Ironic, considering how I don’t want to deal with people). I know what I have to do, but I don’t have motivation and the confidence to follow through. So telling people to fuck off will only help me burn bridges. The people I need will come to me, yes, but I don’t want to depend on them forever. I can’t depend on them. Perhaps I’ve become aware of the severity of my problems a bit too late. I let everything worsen and fester. It feels like too much.
You need to figure out how to get your anxiety in check. Other people aren’t that big a deal. You don’t have to be or say the perfect thing all the time. The less pressure you put on yourself the more relaxed you’ll become and it’ll flow a lot better. As far as the not even being kissed and your gonna be 23. I’m sure that weighs on you but here you are trying to get a girlfriend instead of sex when its way easier just to get sex. Its a must before you die. Good luck bro.
You have your health, you aren’t addicted to any drugs. That in itself gives you a one up in life. Society does demand a lot of things to “fit in” Those things don’t matter. I wish I could go back in time and tell so many people to fuck off. Because in reality, they didn’t matter. If you focus on getting what you want out of life, and you try hard enough. You will get it. I don’t care what others say, nothing is really out of reach. I’ve had friends who had nothing and came from nothing. Everyone assumed they would never amount to shit and they are the happiest most successful out of the lot. Pain builds character, and fuck the stigmas of society. Fuck anyone who doesn’t think your worth a shit. Wake up in the morning and go do something because you can, because you want too. Even if its reckless, take your first step to saying fuck it. I hope that helps, when I was health I did just that. And it refreshed my mind.