So, here I am, again. Drinking beer, alone, surfing the internet to try and find something to keep my mind occupied. I would say that I’m lost but I know exactly where I am, and I know exactly how to get out of this place. So why don’t I? Why can’t I?
I could just leave, well.. if I had a job. Although nobody wants to hire a highschool dropout who hasn’t wuite gotten her GED.
So I’m stuck until I get off of my lazy ass. All of this crap I’m feeling right now is my own fault.
I want him more than anything. We were engaged, he was supposed to be the one that made me safe. Nothing is safe now. I can’t stand it when men hit on me, it makes me feel disgusted and the only thing I can thing about is if they have a girlfriend or if they cheated before or what they would do if they knew how insane I was.
I can’t stand human beings. People just keep giving me reasons to hate them, well dislike them. I’ve never hated anybody except myself.. and the girl who used to be my best friend who tried fucking my exfiance.
What’s going on? Why do people do this to eachother? Animals have it right, we’ve got it all wrong. What the fuck are we doing? Trying to get ahead, putting other people down to feel better about ourselves, working towards getting more money, destroying this planet we live on, destroying ourselves. And smiling the entire time it’s happening. Nobody is going to change unless they’re forced to, and no one is gunna force anybody to do anything. The world is ending and we’re all gunna end up running away.
How do these people who hurt so many others look at themselves in the mirror? I can barely stand my own reflection and I’ve never hurt anyone purposefully.
It’s my fault for feeling this way again, he’d already cheated on me once, three years ago. I never thought I’d be that girl, the one who’d forgive the cheater. Somehow it’s different for me, isn’t that how it is for everyone? Different? Nobody else gets it?
I don’t know how to feel ok, i don’t shower, I avoid the mirror at all causts, I rarely leave the house. I need a job to get where I want to go but nobody will hire someone like me, no matter how hard of a worker I am. Doesn’t matter, because my background says differently.
Stupid papers. I’m losing my mind, I know I am.
I’m turning into the crazy person I was when I was younger and this first happened to me. I know I need professional help, but somehow when I imagine talking to a therapist I have nothing to say. It’s all too stilted, fake. I’ve actually been tricked by my mom into seeing one a few years ago and I know tha I can’t help but put up the charade.
I’ve got nothing to tell them, and I’ve studied so much crap and analized myself so much that I feel like they have nothing to tell me that I don’t already know.
How can a therapist help a crazy person that knows every reason to why they’re crazy? Or someone who’s so into psychoanalization that they do it on a daily basis? What could they possibly tell me that I don’t already know? Am I stuck with going insane from my emotions just because I know too much about them?
Doesn’t seem fair.
What happens to psychologists who go crazy? Are they left to roll around in their own insane knowledge?
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1 comment
Although it doesn’t seem like it your doing what people with a real brain in there heads do when thing so wrong. The fact you see the problems and see that your head isn’t right means your actualy sane, crazy people don’t know they are crazy. Life can so easily feel out of control and impossible but you’ve already made the first step to making things better. Laying out your problems helps a lot of you do it in the right way. Work out which problems are actualy solveable and what you can realisticly do to turn your life around, it’s going to be a lot of hard work no one can deny that. Like most people the main thing holding you back is yourself, it’s easy to fall into bad habits and feel trapped and worthless in a hole of your own making but there is always a way out. Figuring out a way out is hard but it’s gotta be the most rewarding thing there is. I also seem to analyze myself consatntly and it feels like your impossible to fix and this is the way you are but talking to people, a therapist or anyone you feel comfortable talking to can be so helpful because it makes you feel a lot more human, like maybe your not so different and through all the crap your still a descent person. Keep your head up and keep living and if you keep trying when you can, you can turn your life around.