Hi, I am laying here in my bed and I have no one to reach out to. If you are reading this, please bear with me.
I guess I should start with my story.
My parents have had an extremely rough relationship since 7th grade. That is when I began to cut my wrists. A friend told her mom who called mine, I lied, and stopped cutting for fear of being sent to the doctor.
In 9th grade I met a guy. We became best friends. I was 14 and he was 17 and he started inviting me over to his apartment. For a period of 8 months, I was forced into sexual acts with him. If he wasn’t physically forcing me he told me that he wouldn’t take me home until I got him off. I don’t know why I stayed with him. Probably because he was the one thing that made me somewhat happy. So I kept him in my life. I was kind of clueless about everything going on, believing that this is how a relationship is supposed to be. Even though he told me we couldn’t publicly use the word “relationship” because of the age difference. I found out near the end of our relationship that he got high every day, and drunk multiple times per week, after endless promises that he never did that. I was still there for him. He had a rough family life. I supported him anyways, thinking I could change him. I knew deep down he was good person, and I wanted to bring that person out and help him get back in control of his life. As upset and betrayed as I felt, I never gave up on him. Our relationship basically ended with him raping me, vaginally as well as anally. He wanted to have sex and I said no, and he forced me to do it. As simple as that. I tried to fight him off of me and I was crying but he told me to shut up because his roommates were home. I was pretty torn up, physically. For a long time. But for some reason I still didn’t leave him. I was afraid to. I stayed with him for a couple more months until he moved away to another state, after reaching the age of 18 and being afraid of doing sexual things with a minor. I found out soon after he had been cheating on me. A couple weeks later he began publicly dating the other girl. And I went back to cutting again.
I didn’t tell anyone for a long time. I honestly did not even accept what had happened until about right now, 5 years later. I feel used. I feel worthless. He knew what he was up to the whole time. And I thought he cared? Bullshit. He completely took advantage of me with no regard of my feelings. He was selfish and cared about nothing more than being sexually satisfied. He never even did anything nice for me. Never once took me out to dinner or to the movies, because he was afraid of seeing someone we knew. I was under the name “Kelsey” in his contacts so that no one saw the name of who he was texting or calling. He was a fucked up person who fucked me up.
I was in a fairly normal relationship for 2 years. With some problems along the way related to this guy who ruined my life. We ended up breaking up, and I found someone much better for me who I am with today, and have been for almost 14 months now. However, everything is completely different. As I have grown older I understand what truly went on in those 8 months.
I live my life in endless flashbacks. Not just to the rape incident, but all of the other things that happened too. When my boyfriend and I have sex, or do anything sexual for that matter, I never fail to be brought back to the days of the other guy. Sometimes it is too much and the pleasure goes away and I begin to cry and don’t want to be touched anymore.
On top of this, my parents are now in the process of getting divorced. I hate my dad and refuse to talk to him. I see how emotionally and mentally torn up my mom is, how she can’t go a day without breaking down, and I just get so angry and depressed.
I have so many good things in my life. I have great friends and I have my mom and brother and sister. I am in a great relationship with a guy who loves me and would do anything to make me happy. But I feel empty.
I feel so alone. I do not want to see anybody anymore. I would rather just stay at my house all day and be alone. I feel hollow. I don’t understand how anybody could ever love me, when I hate myself so much. I am not and will never be good enough for anybody. I have no self worth. The world is too cruel of a place. There is nothing I want more than to dissapear. I am too much of a coward to kill myself. But I want to so badly, for fear of there being a pain greater than the one I am living in now. I want to end everything because I know that everybody in my life would be better off, or at least unchanged, without me. I have once again gone back to cutting, because I am too much of a coward to actually kill myself…
I don’t see a point in living anymore. All my happiness has just dissapeared. I am not sure what to do anymore. I don’t see a future for myself or anything to look forward to. I am dreading going back to college in the fall. I have no motivation. There is nothing I want to do besides dissapear. I never even want to get married because I am afraid of ending up like my parents. I know some people are happy but it just isn’t worth the risk for me.
And I am not going to see a therapist either, that is not for me. I don’t want a stranger telling me everything will be okay when they do not know or understand me at all.
I guess I just wanted to vent and let everything out. Your thoughts would be appreciated
Thank you
14 comments
Hun,
Not all guys are like that. While there are some who are, I can promise that not all of us are. There really are good people out there.
I’m 17 now. If I was to be with you, that sort of thing never would have happened. And judging on how you write about your previous family life, I imagine that it has something to do with why you chose such a bad guy.
If you need a guy or just a friend to talk to, email me. I can promise you that I will try my hardest not to hurt you.
My email is brl.cents@gmail.com
Take care:
Blindaudio
p.s. If you don’t trust me because of your relationships with guys, I understand.
I just wanted to tell you that im here for you, if you ever need someone just email me at taiyarose1@gmail.com. You don’t have to take me up on this offer but I want you to know im here for you. I may not have been through the same things as you have, but I can understand exactly what you are feeling because I’ve been in that horrible place to.
sorry I made a typo its taliyarose1@gmail.com
Well, I can completely sympathise with your problems. I’m currently dealing with depression, insomnia and eating disorders and my parents aren’t together anymore. I spend the majority of my days pretending that everything’s is fine, for everyone’s sake. I understand why you don’t want to see a therapist, I had one and I no longer do. I know how it feels to be empty, worthless… Almost everything you do. And I guess I just want to say. You’re not alone in this.
Thank you, it is good to know that there are other people out there who share the same feelings as me.
I know kinda how you feel when i was in the 6 grade my parents had a divorse and i that it was all my fault when i tried to stop them they just tell me to go to my room. then 3 years later i found out that my dad raped my sister when i was 6 i guess thats why she never talk to me i just started to cut myself and my mom walked into my room when i was sleeping and saw my arm and we had a little talk but that dident help and then i told my best friend that i wanted to kill myself he said that i should do it nobody wants me here anyways so that got my depressesd more but in the end i found more friends and they tell me i should stop so i try the best i can but i doesrnt rilly help me just i you want any body to talk to ill listen
I don’t wanna sound like I’m getting onto you, because I’m not and I know how being suicidal feels, but I have to tell you: you can’t do this on your own. I STRONGLY reccomend counseling, or at the very least telling someone how you feel. When you’ve been through something that traumatic, it’s not gonna just go away on its own. Don’t ever be afraid to ask someone for help. I’ll bet money that people would be very sad to see you gone, myself included. This is corny, but true: It DOES get better. Not over night though. It may take years before you can truly feel happy again, but you can’t try doing it on your own. Believe me, I tried, and I nearly became a dead body floating in a pool of blood. Not exaggerrating. If you ever need someone to talk to, asbel_garcia123@yahoo.com is my email. Shoot me an email sometime. I’d be more than happy to talk with you.
Hey there 🙂 first off, thank you for sharing this…I know how hard it can be to let it all out…I’m sorry to hear what has happened to you, and I can only vaguely imagine the pain (I was molested and raped at a very young age) and I honestly do hope things look up if possible…
Kindest regards,
xXFrejaShinePawsXx
I do not really know what to say. But I’d like to write you something, anything…
I think this need for loneliness is normal. We lick our wounds alone. I mean, even if we do try to get ‘out there’, broken as we are, it’s usually only to see the things we so frantically tried to build fall apart – relationships, projects, plans made…
If I can offer any advice, any way to share my experience: your soul seems shattered. That’s what was thought of diseases of the soul and mind during a time that was less rational and more humane. During that time, a shaman would venture into the Otherworld to seek what was broken, what was taken from you. Among the sounds of drums and the smell of smoke, the things you lost would be found and given back to you.
Nowadays, we mostly have to rely on ourselves. Find your soul. Parts of it are in the things that brought you joy before it all came down, in truly happy moments that you can remember and relive. Parts of it lay buried between the dreams you have for the future…
Find your cure. You will know it when you see it – it will strengthen you, it will bring you focus, and most importantly: the only price for it will be letting go of your fear and showing determination to find this cure.
Sorry, I tend to ramble… did not mean to turn myself into the stranger who presumes to tell you how it will all be ok. I guess what I tried to say was that it will be alright if you find yourself.
Good luck!
Will_Scarlet,
Thank you so much for your reply. Having support from strangers helps more than I could ever imagine. I guess that I will just have to keep searching for my cure. I don’t have many happy moments that I remember before the rape. The rest of my life is kind of a blur. But I am sure there are some deep down that I will have to find. My whole life just feels like a lie because I found out last night that my dad never wanted children and that the entire reason he travelled for work my entire life was to be away from his family (it was written down on a piece of paper in one of his files that my mom went through last night). I don’t feel like I had a happy childhood anymore. I feel like who I am is just the twisted and fucked up person these two men made me out to be. I can never trust a guy fully again. A part of me is missing I will never be able to replace.
After so long without a cure, I am emotionally and mentally exhausted, and as you said, shattered. I still have a little hope though, and I am going to let that little bit that is down in there try to carry me through.
I am not sure I will ever live a normal life. But if I can get anywhere close, I will be truly happy again
Once again, thank you for taking the time to read this as well as typing out such a meaningful reply
blindaudio,
Thank you, I will definitely keep you in mind. I know not all guys are that like that, as I have a boyfriend who has proven that to me. I still have trust issues though and it is still very hard to trust other guys as well. Of course one comment from you can’t tell me you are a good guy, but I have a feeling that you are, considering the site you are on, and the people you are taking time out of your day to help.
Thank you
asbel2019,
I have been told I need to go see someone. Maybe someday I will. But I know going right now would be a waste of time in money, because no one can be helped unless they are willing. I was raised believing counselors and psychiatrists are for crazy people. I still think that way, though I am trying not to. If I ever get to the point where I believe going would actually help me, and I would let them help me, then I will go. But for now it is just me and my boyfriend/friends
Thank you for your reply
matthew 1452,
I am really sorry for your situation 🙁 That is really sad and sounds really hard. I can’t even imagine. I am glad that you are doing better now and found better friends. I hope that eases up all the stress at home for you. I definitely will talk if I need someone to talk to. And I am always here for you too. Thank you so much.
thank you