Hi,
I’m 23 and I feel like that’s all the time I need. I’ve been awash in suicidal depression since 9th grade. Right after high school me and a girl fell in love, and I was able to be happy occasionally. Well a few months ago she broke up with me, vaguely saying our lives were going different directions. She later admitted she was over me at least by December and broke up with me as a formality so she could immediately sleep with a guy from work who seduced her without technically having to cheat on me. I asked her how and why it could have gone so wrong when I loved her so much, and she told me I’m a bother for asking and I’m exhausting her, that it’s her life and I need to get over it forthwith.
I feel like I can’t get over it. I love her so much, and she doesn’t care; she’s BEEN over it and couldn’t care less. I feel like “I love you” is a promise, a contract. You can’t just unlove if you really loved in the first place. I feel like my love is nothing, that nobody deserves me in the negative sense. All of my self worth is gone, and my depression is so much worse than ever before. All I look forward to is drinking until I sleep, and that’s no relief because all I ever dream of is her.
I work in aerospace and I have a Department of Defense Security Clearance, so I can’t seek professional help, because the suggestion of ill mental health makes you a security risk, and I can say goodbye to a career here, because trust me, they know every single thing about you. So I can’t get help and I can’t get out of it. And I can’t kill myself because my mom always said “If you somehow go before I do, they better make two caskets.” I can’t do that to her. I’d just put the feelings I have now on my own mother; that would surely land me in Hell.
I’m stuck. I’m just stuck. With this empty hull of a body that is alive in observation alone, and a head full of horror.
2 comments
Wow dude, she sounds like a real ****, with a capital ‘C’.
I can relate.
Bitches like that will say and do whatever they think will get them whatever they want, and do not give a damn about how it might affect you.
Do whatever it takes to continue on with your life, without allowing yourself to think of her. It’s not going to change, and the only option is to not let her completely ruin your life. Catch yourself at the onset of unwanted thoughts, and try to distract yourself with something else. And no, it’s not as easy as it sounds, but it’s necessary.
She’s not who she wanted you to think she was, and she didn’t mean it when she said it. She said it to get what she wanted: you to believe she cared, so that you would behave the way she desired. It’s disgusting and sickening, i know, but that’s what women-like-her do. Do you /really/ want to be with someone like that? No, you don’t.
What you want, is the person she pretended to be, who wasn’t real, does not exist, and cannot be reclaimed. In a sense, you have the same experience as a widower, but instead of dead, she just stopped pretending to “love” you.
Make yourself fall out of love with that imaginary being. She doesn’t exist. Learn to love yourself again. Don’t let such a disgusting person so easily steal you from yourself. Anything you give “her” from that moment onward, is something you’ll never get back, which will never be reciprocated.
It’s time to put trash in the trash, and find something better than garbage… hopefully something like what you thought you had, but was only an illusion.
Learn to see into people, so you won’t make the same mistake again.
It’s just hard to think that way. She always behaved how I would expect a girl in love to. She was so sweet, would think so far ahead about things to surprise me, like a gift that was something I made a side comment about liking almost a year prior. She wanted to do things for me she knew I loved. She got really upset if she couldn’t be with me (we lived 242 miles away for a long time) and offered to pay for the gas. She wanted to spend every minute possible with me. She would do anything, anything, anything to please me, to make me happy, to pull me out of my depression. She wanted so badly for me to get a job in her town, to live with me, to marry me. She had visions of children and various pets (she’s a vet tech) and what type of house we would have. On my birthdays she would take me to my favorite restaurants and places. I don’t really ever ask for anything, but she would do anything I asked. She introduced her new favorite music to me, and accept if I didn’t like it, and listen to music I thought she’d like; for my last birthday after we broke up she bought me a CD I love to death, by a band I never knew before. She covets a necklace I bought her for Christmas, which I literally spent my last penny on (14k gold in the shape of a heart, inlaid with diamonds and amethyst, our respective birthstones), and still wears a claddagh ring of silver, jade and diamond I got her for her birthday.
She always displayed every sign of actually being in love with me, and at some point just…fell out of love with me for some reason. And I can’t help but blame myself; what did I do to either change into someone she couldn’t love, or just exist as someone she couldn’t love any longer? I never stopped loving her as much as is physically and spiritually possible, so I must have done something, changed in some way, continued in some way…I, by my own action, *lost* her somehow; that’s the thinking. And I never lost her in heart – I still love her so much. I’m being kept alive because my greatest want and ambition in life is to see her find her soul mate, sail off into the sunset with the person who is truly right for her. I don’t care if I wither and “die” and never find anybody else and stagnate. I just want to see her find the person that makes her happy, that she wants to spend her life with. I couldn’t do it; my love wasn’t enough. But someone out there can. I want her to find her true love, and become the person she dreams of being with the job she aspires to and the lover who fulfills her.