It’s been less than two weeks and I’m back here again. That’s discouraging.
I hurt, and there’s nobody to talk to. Out of my two best friends, one’s away and I’m not supposed to talk to the other, he’s bad for me. And there’s my boyfriend, but he’s away and the problem anyway.
There’s just this disconnect again. He says things that hurt me like crazy, and he doesn’t even know half the time. And he tries to do better but then just does other stuff. And like always he’s so optimistic. He’s away for two and a half weeks, then home for two days and gone again for two. But he keeps going “I’m home in three days!” No. You’re pretty much not back for a week. And I won’t even see you for a bit until four days. So seriously, not helpful. Everything’s like that. So many things that hurt and he doesn’t even get and I don’t even know where to start.
I’ve been talking with a few people lately, and realizing that depression and everything is way more common than I thought. I knew that a lot of people in my circle have struggled with it, but I just know even more now. And while that might comfort some people, showing them they’re not alone, it just makes me feel worse. Because at least if I’m not normal, then there’s something to do about it. If I’m normal, there’s just this crap forever.
When I’m low, my fear of crime and everything gets a hundred times worse, because I’m weak. But when I’m really low, it gets way better, because suddenly I don’t care what happens to me. Murderer wants to break in and kill me? Go ahead, then I won’t have to do it.
My life is supposedly good right now. My mom’s through cancer treatment, I’m finally moved out, I have the boyfriend I’ve adored, I’m finally going away to school. I know I’m blessed. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m falling apart inside. I hurt, and I’m tired of trying, and I’m sick of being hurt by everyone. I’m tired of the fact that even in the best situations, love just ends in pain.
I’m not about to cut, I’m not about to kill myself, but part of me wishes I would. Just get all of this over with and not have to deal with again. But really I just want to disappear and have never existed. Because I don’t want to make a stir right now. I want to slip away and just not have ever had any of this.
I hate life.