I don’t know when or how it all began but all I know is I can’t get out.
Depression.
Sorry if this story is choppy but I really don’t know how to describe this.
This whole year, I’ve been feeling lost, confused, empty, numb, broken, etc. My best friends were always there to help me out with all these problems and soon the feelings would fade away.
But, oh. They would always come back.
They were nightmares; ghosts always haunting me. Telling me how worthless I was. Telling me how insecure I should be.
My best friend, we’ll call her May, was the same way to me too. She had her own problems and we dealed with them together.
My parents and I’s strong relationship and bond broke. I don’t know how but, it wasn’t the same. Dad continued to yell and remind me how terrible of a person I am. Mom would call me a worthless b/tch and sometimes enflict pain on me. My brothers kept me insecure and my younger sister knew just how to make me feel horrible.
May and I aren’t friends. I thought I could trust her but it turns out she talks behind my back. I remember one day on the bus, I was bawling my eyes out over something I don’t remember. My friend, we’ll call him Austin, rubbed my back and told me it would all be okay. I ran home from the bus and sat on the slide at the park across from my house and cried. My best friend (now), we’ll call her Avery, ran from her house to comfort me. And I wondered why May never did.
I have another best friend, we’ll call her Felicia. Felicia and I got into many fights but we’re still friends. We don’t hang out often but we’re still ok. Felicia cuts herself too, along with May and I. The three of us were inseperable.
I feel lonely now at days because I know I am.
I cry for no reason.
I cut my wrists to feel.
And I wonder just how long,
I’ll survive this madness.
If you took the time to read this,
thank you
<3
1 comment
I’m guessing you’re a teenager? I am too. I also had a tight pack, there were 4 of us girls and we went through half of primary and all of intermediate together. High school and mental illness split us up. two of us went to different high schools and two went to the same. One of the girls lets call her Tammy, liked sex. she was the first to lose her viginaty and the other two girls went weird about it. Ella and Fran went to the same school and became exclusively best friends. I was the one struck by mental illness. losing that close friendship with the 3 of them really hurt but it all started 3 years ago and now although I don’t see them much at all their just old friends. I made new friends at the new school and and even though i’ve never had a friendship like that since, never had a best friend again, i’m okay. at times i get sad and lonely but i got through it and i met knew people. I used to cut my wrists but when i finally stopped it i felt something to be proud of. I remember feeling just like how you described and i just wanted to say that things did get better, it took a lot but something i try to remember is teenage friendships often don’t last because everyones changing so much so if you can get through these years you can grow up, live how you want and with the people you want to be with, the people who matter and aren’t changing anymore.
I hope you do survive the madness