I thought I’d share my story with those people online and perhaps find someone to relate to. As of now, I’m 17. I’m planning on ending life within the next 3weeks (I’m getting together some money to leave my parents – untill then I need to hold it out).
My story begins when I was younger of course. I was always a shy child, and I’ve always had a fear of too many people in one area – I’ve got an anxiety disorder. My home life was… bareable, at best. My father was an asshole to say the least. I’d like to note that when he was a child – his parents abused him, sexually, physically, mentally. He’s fucked in the head ultimately. The point I’m making is please do not judge him – as much as I make him feel sick, I love him.
My father always had problems around me. I repulsed him. I literally, made him feel sick. I can remember his face clearly. So full of anger. I guess he saw his childhood in me. My two sisters, one older, one younger, was never subject to his crap. He got a kick out of playing with them and pushing me away. He was quite vicious at times, he would call me just about every name under the sun you could imagine. Keep me indoors for being literally 2minutes late from his unreasonable deadline when to come home.
He enjoyed dragging me around the house by a wrist – He knew if he hurt me my family would be on his back.
The reason for this was his mother actually told the police my father was sexually abusing my sister. I’d like to point out that this was false. His mother (irony being, she and my dads many step fathers did this to him) was vicious. She, like he hated me, hates him. Notice the chain? I’ll break it. My life ends it.
Anyway – Dispite his shit I was actually an out going child, I remember around 6-10, I’d be the first one out of the door washed dressed and sitting on my friends walls ready for them to play – They were, more often then not, still sleeping. I loved being outside away from home. (This will be relevant for later)
With my dads crap in mind, the next bit is weird for me. I had several normal friends, and several friends that were way older then me. Long story short, I was forced to do an act with 2 of them. I was around 6-7 – I really can’t remember much. I’ve always felt guilt about it. Thought I’d mention this because I’ve told noone in my life.
Okay so skipping countless scenerio’s with my father and such, I gained problems with adults in school. My teacher was young and impatient, He must of been around 22? At any rate, He made me fear adults – those who I see are above me. I wasn’t a smart child – Infact I’m dyslexic – you’ll notice from my spelling no doubt. Long story short he would scream in my face infront of the class for not understanding simple sums.
Skipping a lot of things out, At 10 I was forced to move away from everything I knew. This is when things truly started going downhill. I had no friends in my new school. I was scared shitless of everything and everyone. I remember my heart pounding if anyone looked at me. Anxiety was and is the bane of my fucking life. I went from being out all day everyday, to staying in my home ALL day and night. (Which ultimately meant more time around my father).
Skipping a year forward, year 7. Secondary school. Long story, once again short, my anxiety got worst, I hated, and still do dispise the way I look. I got paranoid. I could not talk to teachers at all. It made me feel sick with anxiety – it truly crippled me.
Around this time I was sad, I was away from everything I knew, I didn’t like being home – it wasn’t my home. I merely existed there. I began to be picked on a lot because I was quiet. I would take everything people said and did to me and just get on with it.
I began to hate life, I really did. But weirdly I thought: this is what everyone feels, I am like this but so is everyone else. Everyone feels this bad? Don’t they?
I began to talk to myself in my head to keep myself company, to this day I still argue with myself and debate everything. I feel as if apart of me is some evil peice of scum, It makes me utterly sick.
Anyway, my barrier was my mind. I became a drone. I woke up hating life, going to school, comming home to my dads shit, going to school, dad,school,dad. I was feeling so alone. I’d give my right arm to have someone I felt loved me. I was hurting so much. The anxiety and sadness I felt. A big cloud above my head and a hammer and nail being striked onto my chest if someone glanced or said my name.
Skipping through a lot of stuff again – I kept on like this for afew years. Infact My barrier and drone like state kept me going untill year 11. Untill then I just cried myself to sleep.
One particular day in school, In PE I was feeling broken. I just turned 15 I think. My teacher said my name, I was day dreaming – I hated PE. Everyone looked at me, I looked at his face, disapointment. I can’t tell you how badly I shattered that day. I just began to fall to peices infront of everyone. I cried and told my teacher later I hadn’t been out of the house apart from school and family visits for around 5 years. He put me in touch with a lady I hold dearly in my heart – Lisa. She kept me going, She kept me safe. She was like my mother only I felt loved.
At any rate, I hated myself. I felt if everyone else hated me so, perhaps I am right to do the same? I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. The next part I find hard to tell. I began cutting myself with a stanly knife blade that I found in the shed. It felt so right – watching blood run down my left arm was the highlight of my night. The fact that I hurt the thing everyone seemed to hate felt so right, so normal.
Skipping ahead again, with my barrier and drone like mind broken I finally began thinking for myself. I’ve always hated life but never before had I believed that it was mine. Suicidal thoughs began popping up. They felt amazing. It was like hope infront of me, the thought of someone or something ending me was amazing.
I would often imagine being stabbed saving someone else and dieing infront of them. I imagined myself pushing someone else out of the way of a car and being smashed and killed. Even now I wanted to leave a legacy. I hated my life but I value love above everything. I can’t stand watching others being sad, I know how it feels to some extent. I say some extent because every person is different, I don’t truly believe that one human can understand another 100%. We’re all too different. Too many variables that define who we are – what we are, how we interact in a situation. Pain can be described. Pain in the mind isn’t as easy to describe. It… just hurts. Badly. The feeling of being alone, of being hated, of hating yourself. Of being a bad person. Not being who others expected you to be.
I feel as if I am several people in one. One sam loves everyone. One sam hates and wants to watch things burn. One sam wants to see myself hurt and die. I’m split in my head argueing forever.
Again, I’m skipping out details of what happened inbetween, they do not need to be mentioned. When I was 15, afew months down the line, I overdosed twice heavily. Long story short, I ended up in an adolesent mental hospital. Being honest it was a terrible experience. People trying to harm themselfs daily, kill themselfs even in the clinic. I wanted to hurt myself, but the thought of others going through it truly hurt me. It made me sick. I distinctly remember a girl telling me she had been raped – I needed to get it off my chest how I felt about it. I told a girl I trusted very well in the clinic and brokedown – that night I took a tin can lid and damaged myself heavily. All i remember is crying and having shitloads of tissue around me in a pool of blood. It was terrifiing being honest.
Anyhow, I was in the clinic for a total of 4-months. I left when I was 16. Inbetween now and then events have happened, e.g. fist fights with my father. The only time I stood up to him. I cried for hours after. I hurt another person.
 A year later two nurses have kept on with me to help me out with my anxietys. Didn’t really help. They had to leave me now – they’ve been in my life for two years – I guess they couldn’t spend anymore money on me with the service.
I gave life a chance and started college. Skipping ahead, I can’t go. I cried in college in the toilets. I’d burst out crying in class. I truly cannot handle other people. I am below everyone. I feel as if everyone is better then me. I feel right but scared in this place.
I’m losing the will to carry on writing this now. I guess before I go I wanted anyone to hear my story. I wish I could leave a legacy. I want my death to bring some form of happiness to good people. I wish I could write something truly beautiful that would touch the hearts of people on this site that are hurting. If only I knew how to help everyone here, I would. If anyone reads this, please know I realise your pain is undescribeable, it’s unbareable. I want to scream, shout, cry.
As of now I’m doing college work at home – I’ve completely stopped doing anything and am prepareing for the next few weeks to set everything up.
I’m sick of myself. I’m sick of my father. I’m sick of fighting myself. I’m sick of being scared of others. I’m sick of reliving every mistake I’ve ever made. I’m sick of being aburdon on the one person I love above all else – my mum. I’m sick of this fucking anxiety. I’m sick of these 4 walls. I’m sick of life. It won’t improve. I do not have any hope nor future to look forward too. I will be alone, I will be sad.
It’ll be over soon. I’m sorry I didn’t go into too much detail, it hurts remembering it, let a low writing and reading it.
12 comments
Don’t kill yourself! Please, please please please please please please please! Honestly I’ve been wanting to kill myself too but you’ve inspired me to keep living so please don’t kill yourself. Suicide can’t be the answer.
Please. Get away from it all; move to Mexico and grow a mustache. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better. Forget about your experiences as a child, even if for only a moment, and just listen to me.
Your life matters to me now. You sound like a caring person, so please, just do me a favor and don’t kill yourself. I’m sure anyone else who reads your post feels the same way.
Please respond so I know you haven’t done it yet. Even if it’s a blank post, just let me know you’re still alive, okay? I’m gonna go insane until you reply.
PS: you have very good spelling and grammar! Especially considering how you’re dyslexic! You have better spelling than most people I know.
Really brave and good of you to share that. My 17 was not nearly as rough. Am 40 now, although inside I feel 29. You’re highly intelligent and sensitive my friend. No doubt that has contributed to your difficulty and I feel ya as my sensitivity in this world has been a massive challenge to deal with.
You have a big heart and the feelings you have are not a true reflection of the good person you are…it’s just the truth. If you want to rap with someone before you go, get some things off your chest, I’d love to listen and chat. Call me…I’ll call you-it helps, even if you want to go. You can msg me at 6473861718@vmobile.ca Your post here has helped me and validated my own experience. Cause you feel like you’re the only person going through the hell. Anyway…holler away if you feel. Cheers!
Oh G-d. I just cried while reading this. I’m so, so sorry. I’m 17 too, (but where I live, 17 year-olds typically go to high school.) You’ve put my life in perspective. You don’t deserve to die.
Please open up a little at school. Nobody’s watching you and noting every tiny flinch, every tiny mistake that you make. People are not criticizing you for every tiny mistake you make (and anyone who does isn’t worth a second glance.) It took me a while to realize this too. When I entered high school, I just broke up crying in the hallways. I was just so afraid and anxious. It took me a long while to stop. Maybe if you talk to someone, you’ll even make a friend… or even a few! You have nothing to lose!
Hey, and what if I told you nobody is “better” than you? 😉 Heck, I bet at least a quarter of the class is cheating just to pass! And those who don’t get help from each other or their professional parents… And many look like they’re fine, but they really aren’t. And one thing’s for certain: Many of them don’t have the troubles you have to deal with every moment. The fact you have remained on this Earth, proves that you’re much, much better than you think. And your kind, sensible way of viewing the Earth proves your intelligence. So many would just waste their lives in anger and seeking revenge.
Nobody hates you. How can anyone possibly hate such a kindhearted person? Like you said yourself, your father has problems, but I’m certain he doesn’t hate you. He’s just struggling with himself… and do what you can to survive his outbursts.
Please don’t kill yourself. You have so much to live for. The world needs more people as sensitive and caring as you. You have an entire future ahead of you. And you can still create a life-long legacy without cutting your life short. Imagine all the good you could do in the world!
<3
Gosh you will definitely be in my prayers pal. In fact I’d love to talk to you in person whether it’s through e-mail, Facebook, the phone whatever. You can find more of that info under my profile FYI.
You deserve to have someone close to you in your life. It’s our greatest desire – to know that we’re loved and can reciprocate those feelings back to others. I know exactly what it’s like when it comes to having a fractured relationship with your father. I know what it’s like to feel as though you’re inferior to everyone else. Kinda strange for me considering on the surface I usually appear as a confident person, but on the insides I can be a mess sometimes.
It sadden me especially to hear how you broke down in school and when you tried to get professional help and it backfired. That’s just horrible. I know what it’s like to have feelings of hopelessness and despondency and it’s very real. You feel like you physically ache on the inside. I was about 20 when that happened for me, and it occurred back in the spring. It just seemed like everything that could go wrong for me did, and I was so jealous seeing my friends get ahead of me. It was totally frustrating.
I know what it’s like to wake up, even on the most beautiful day and still feel like it’s totally dark outside. No one ought to live like that. Blaze you may not realize this but while you think you’re powerless to help those who are hurting, you’re more prepared than anyone to help those who struggle with suicide. The same thing was true for me. My storm lasted about 2-3 months, but I found healing through commiserating with someone who was just as confused, empty, hopeless and suicidal as me. Although I never could take my own life, I seriously wanted things to end.
Interestingly enough, I was able to come alive again by fully giving myself away to my friend (Jim). I thought wow, I didn’t even ask for this to happen, and my friend was in position to help me out but by helping him through his period of depression, I was able to have those dark feeling go away. It was amazing!!! And you can do the same pal!!! I’m 21 , and I believe that God has given me a heart for those who are suicidal, especially young men/adults but of course I can help out anyone.
I guess just given my disposition it’s much easier for me to identify with those in that age bracket. But God blaze I’d love to hear from you pal!!!! You can find me on Facebook and good grief if I found out that i live near you, I would love to meet up with you just so we can talk and most importantly know that you have a great friend who sincerely loves you, cares about you, wants the best for you, wants to see you succeed and beat this and start fresh, and someone who will do whatever it takes to help you out.
My friendship I had developed with Jim prepared me for these kind of endeavors. But please know that people do love and care about you. I certainly do and even though I don’t know you personally, I’ve know enough about you given your story. It breaks my heart. It’s hard to get more extreme than that. But man if you give me chance I’d love to help you out, but of course I will not impose myself on you. I just want to be the friend to you that you need buddy.
God bless you heart blaze. Even in the midst of your pain, your story has blessed me abundantly. As a Christian it challenges me more to reach out to those in need of God’s love and saving grace. I will spend my night on my knees begging for God to pour our his spirit and love on you. He knows you need it. His amazing love transformed me and he can do the same for you! 🙂
Yours truly,
Jonathan Klapcuniak
I feel for you bro. I might help a little to know that I have many of the same feelings as you. I hope the future holds good things for you, whether you decide to end it or not. I plan on suicide in less than a week (preparing everything meanwhile), so if you want/need to talk over email or IM then I’m all for it.
Hi blazefire. I don’t comment much here because I often feel intimidated by all the brilliant people who frequent this site, and I know that any advice I give might be considered irrelevant. I’m not a starseed or an indigo child, and I don’t have extrasensory perception so I’ll keep my comments simple.. I like what you wrote.. it was good. Thanks for sharing your story.
If I could offer some words of encouragement though, I’d probably copy and paste NeverKnowns’ last paragraph here.
The 180 from who you used to be, the multiple instances of yourself, the terrifying mental hospital stay: I relate to it all. Even the last bit about losing the will to continue the story, I feel it constantly. You, on the otherhand, wrote more than I could. Why not go a little farther.
TeAmo – I’m gathering money for my parents before I do it. I’m still here untill tuesday minimum.
Honestly hearing that some of you felt even alittle better after reading my story lifted my spirits a lot. Even if one person feels better then writeing this was worth it.
Thanks all, your all really wonderful people to have taken the time and left a comment.
We love you blaze. Please don’t take your life buddy. If you ever want to have a friendly chat don’t hesitate to ask. I will let you know where you can contact me. No reason, to wallow through life by yourself. Just want to know you’re okay. 🙂
First off why does everyone think you’re a boy?….are you….i got girl….read it twice…maybe just not getting it…..
Where is Lisa? That’s what I want to know?
Peace
Better than that….why does it say it was posted in February?…..is this an advertisement?…..i know i’m sorta simple sometimes….but seemed to be more pedophiles and lurkers responding than usual….am i missing something? ahhhh must be none of my business….
so sorry they are all coming up as posted in february…..something else i don’t know about?……lol