I just wake up every morning and I can’t see a reason to live. I’m tired of everything and everybody, tired of myself and tired to fake smiles. I just want it to stop.
Well, it’s kind of a long story, but basically I’ve been cutting myself to get rid of… I don’t even know exactly what. I have an eating disorder as well and lately everything is getting worse. I keep trying, but it’s like I am… broken. And cutting myself is suddenly not enough. I can’t help it. I can’t live like that anymore, hating every single piece of me.
I know it’s hard. I use to hate myself more than anything. I use to cut myself and abuse myself all the time. Screaming and struggling till I was nothing but floor and tears. All day, all night, always.
In fact, I abused myself so much that my hand is deformed now from braking it twice on purpose. And I’ve tried to kill myself so many times, I’m not even sure if I can die anymore.
And the worst is that the hunger for pain doesn’t subside. It’s always going to be with me and I’m always gonna need it.
But life can be thrilling, it can be everything you want it to be. You just need to know what you want.
I can’t get what I want! I can’t be who I want! My depression started because of this f*ucking bulimia and nothing has changed. Nothing. I’m still pathetic. I’m still ugly. I can’t change that.
My mom doesn’t help. She is very religious, you know, and I’m not (I don’t even know if there is a God). She wants a perfect daughter, with perfect grades at college, a perfect job, perfect friends. Believe me, I want to be perfect (even though my vision of perfection is far away from what she thinks it’s perfect) and I starve every day trying to reach that. But I can’t. I can’t do anything right. I’m too insecure to get a job and too shy to make friends. I’m stuck in a level of lonelyness that I didn’t even know I could reach before I got there. No one understands me. Everybody that knows I have bulimia.. they think it’s just a phase. Just some teenage sh*t, and I will get over it. But it’s been with me for 6 years. I am 19 and I am already sick of it. I feel so… misunderstood.
I know how you feel. And I know what it’s like to have parents that make things worse.
My approach doesn’t work for everyone. I’ve always tortured myself to reach some sort of perfection. But really we just can’t get there sometimes. And it’s ok, you shouldn’t feel so pressured. It’s never easy though. Try to get some sleep if you can.
Hi Salander, among many other things I have been diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia both. An I kind of am embarrassed about it cuz im not sure how many people my age still do it, I think its a delusional thing that never goes away. But after all these years suffering with it .. throwing up and excersing exessivly I think I found my own personal cure for it, so far its working so I want to tell u what I did. Realistically I knew I could not be as fat as I saw at almost 5รขโฌโข4 and 99 pounds yet when I look at myself all I saw was fat fat fat.. humongous legs. But not long ago I started to notice what other anorexics looked like, and it did not look good or healthy. Then I started noticing my legs in pics, they were sickening with bones jutting out and skin stretched on bones an harldy any muscle. But that is not what I saw when I just looked down at them they were huge. Anyway I noticed how much beter girls legs an stuff looked with a normal weight and who exercise. my sister was down to 65 pounds an was close to dieng and it looked pitiful, not good. I have decided to eat normally but I still have anxiety sometimes cuz I want to go throw up. I still look huge to myself but I am building muscle in my legs and tummy and I think I like myself beter this way.
Hi, iamsara198. I’m sorry for the late answer. I’ve already tried this and it didn’t work. I mean, they say I am underweight, and maybe I am. But the thing is, I don’t feel like that. I don’t look like that. Itas impossible for me to just… stop. It’s not only the ED, is my whole life. I am miserable.
19 comments
Is it morning where you are?
No, its almost 11 p.m. But I’ve been in my bed all day, so, it makes no difference to me.
Oh wow! …I’d say it’s time to get to bed..but yeah.. lol
I can’t sleep so early. Probably after two a.m.
Why did you ask that?
Let me take a guess at something.. Are you from… Sweden?
I asked because you mentioned the morning.
I am Brazilian.
Wow..way off!! You should move to Sweden! ๐
Why should I move to Sweden?
Uhhh…uhhh.. They lack a substantial populous of Brazilians?? ๐
….sorry! I’m a jack ass!! ๐
Hahahaha, God, you made me laugh. That’s rare nowadays. I’m feeling so… low.
๐ got ya!!
Is there a specific reason you feel so low, or is it a low feeling over all? Cuz a lot of us here get that too.
Well, it’s kind of a long story, but basically I’ve been cutting myself to get rid of… I don’t even know exactly what. I have an eating disorder as well and lately everything is getting worse. I keep trying, but it’s like I am… broken. And cutting myself is suddenly not enough. I can’t help it. I can’t live like that anymore, hating every single piece of me.
I know it’s hard. I use to hate myself more than anything. I use to cut myself and abuse myself all the time. Screaming and struggling till I was nothing but floor and tears. All day, all night, always.
In fact, I abused myself so much that my hand is deformed now from braking it twice on purpose. And I’ve tried to kill myself so many times, I’m not even sure if I can die anymore.
And the worst is that the hunger for pain doesn’t subside. It’s always going to be with me and I’m always gonna need it.
But life can be thrilling, it can be everything you want it to be. You just need to know what you want.
I can’t get what I want! I can’t be who I want! My depression started because of this f*ucking bulimia and nothing has changed. Nothing. I’m still pathetic. I’m still ugly. I can’t change that.
My mom doesn’t help. She is very religious, you know, and I’m not (I don’t even know if there is a God). She wants a perfect daughter, with perfect grades at college, a perfect job, perfect friends. Believe me, I want to be perfect (even though my vision of perfection is far away from what she thinks it’s perfect) and I starve every day trying to reach that. But I can’t. I can’t do anything right. I’m too insecure to get a job and too shy to make friends. I’m stuck in a level of lonelyness that I didn’t even know I could reach before I got there. No one understands me. Everybody that knows I have bulimia.. they think it’s just a phase. Just some teenage sh*t, and I will get over it. But it’s been with me for 6 years. I am 19 and I am already sick of it. I feel so… misunderstood.
I know how you feel. And I know what it’s like to have parents that make things worse.
My approach doesn’t work for everyone. I’ve always tortured myself to reach some sort of perfection. But really we just can’t get there sometimes. And it’s ok, you shouldn’t feel so pressured. It’s never easy though. Try to get some sleep if you can.
Goodnite <3
Well, maybe later. Thank you. You know, for listening (or reading).
Hi Salander, among many other things I have been diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia both. An I kind of am embarrassed about it cuz im not sure how many people my age still do it, I think its a delusional thing that never goes away. But after all these years suffering with it .. throwing up and excersing exessivly I think I found my own personal cure for it, so far its working so I want to tell u what I did. Realistically I knew I could not be as fat as I saw at almost 5รขโฌโข4 and 99 pounds yet when I look at myself all I saw was fat fat fat.. humongous legs. But not long ago I started to notice what other anorexics looked like, and it did not look good or healthy. Then I started noticing my legs in pics, they were sickening with bones jutting out and skin stretched on bones an harldy any muscle. But that is not what I saw when I just looked down at them they were huge. Anyway I noticed how much beter girls legs an stuff looked with a normal weight and who exercise. my sister was down to 65 pounds an was close to dieng and it looked pitiful, not good. I have decided to eat normally but I still have anxiety sometimes cuz I want to go throw up. I still look huge to myself but I am building muscle in my legs and tummy and I think I like myself beter this way.
Hi, iamsara198. I’m sorry for the late answer. I’ve already tried this and it didn’t work. I mean, they say I am underweight, and maybe I am. But the thing is, I don’t feel like that. I don’t look like that. Itas impossible for me to just… stop. It’s not only the ED, is my whole life. I am miserable.