This is my first post here so I don’t really know how it works but I have nobody to talk to about this without being judged or thought of differently.
Here is my story. My mother was a cocaine addict and alcoholic my father is well as my birth certificate says “unknown”. So at the age of 6 months I was taken away because of neglect. Spent the next three years bounced around in foster homes until a family that was taking care of me decided they wanted to keep me, so if i say parents i mean these people. They are very good people and love me like their own, also with this new home i found myself with 3 older sisters. The oldest one old enough to be my mother with a 23 year age difference. OK, nevermind my life story lets just go to the now. Too much unnecessary information would be included. I’m not trying to write a autobiography here.
Fast forward to age 16 (not my current age). Never really fit in with groups or cliques. Had made a few friends but for the most part i was always a loner and i never really had a problem with it, maybe it was even preferred. People never really seemed to like me anyway or thats how I seen it. When I was 14 i went to a church summer camp and was told by a few people “Why are you even here? You do know nobody likes you.”. So maybe that changed my perspective on how i seen people. Shit, I’m doing it again. More unnecessary information.
OK, lets go to my current age of 21. Birthday was 2 days ago. 4 people remembered and my parents were not included, They were not even in town. I have been depressed for the past 7 years. Nothing I do seems to make it go away. Also I have pretty bad anxiety, mostly social anxiety. I would cut and hold all emotion in. Nobody knows anything is wrong. I just want to die but i have no reason to end my life. I see no future. Suicide is always on my mind. I’m tired of pretending everything is fine when really I’m dead on the inside. I have a 2 year scholarship because I was adopted but I have no interest in anything plus i would just flunk out. School was never my thing. Every summer I had in high school was spent in summer school. I can’t hold any type of relationship, literally I dont know why the friends I have now are still my friends. I have no new friends either every friend i have has known me for 8+ years before the depression crept in.
I’m tired of the same routine day after day after fucking day. Work, kill time, sleep. I dont feel like I belong here in this world. I have no future. Living in my parents basement. In debt over 2000$. Cant commit to a girlfriend. Last night i lost the girl i loved. I knew her for 7 years my first love. I finally had the chance to make her mine. She gave me 5 months of us being together without the title kind of thing. She was tired of me not being able to commit. Said she felt she like was waiting for nothing so i let her go. Told her that it would be for the best if we go our separate ways. I’ve been thinking about offing myself for a few years now hoping that making changes to my life would change my thought process. I still feel the same and would not have any regrets if I would have done it years ago.
These might not be valid reasons for suicide and there is lots of missing information, but i feel its my only option. I’m done trying to live when all i feel is emptiness, sadness, and lonely. I dont know if i am allowed to post links, but this song describes how i feel to a T.
2 comments
I read your story, and just wanted to say Happy Birthday.
I know there is more to know about you, thanks for sharing this bit of your life. I hope you can find real purpose to being alive. Stay strong.
Hugs