Suicide. I’ve been dealing with this ideation for years upon years. Sometimes it’s worse, sometimes it’s better, but it’s always there. At the worst of times, I make a list of things I should do before I die. Not just tying up the loose ends, but things I should see through– birthdays, holidays, new seasons of television shows.
As of today, I’ve crossed off a big one. I’ve been covering for a coworker during their leave for two months. They’re back today, ready to go. I couldn’t kill myself while they were gone, but now… it matters less.
The things on the list seem less significant now.
I wish I could get myself geared to look forward to something… but the will isn’t there. It’s like my leash has been cut and I can do whatever I want to do. It’s just that I only want to do this one thing.