I’m exhausted. neglect, abuse, rejection. Love of my life gone and a new partner the same day. I want to go back to feeling happy. i don’t know how to go, I think im just scared of the process. Today I drank rum and swallowed sleeping pills then went to my roof to jump. I just stared down. All I could think was “will it hurt?” “what will happen after?” “what if I survive?” I’m tired of feeling scared I just want to end this decade long depression
15 comments
Is that you?
It’s probably usually easier to lose happiness than to find it or create it. You probably can’t “go back to” being happy. You probably have to go forward, to a new type of happiness, or contentment, which is compatible with and appreciable by, your current self.
Drinking alone, swallowing pills, and being on a roof, probably isn’t the set of things and actions that will lead to happiness.
“Will it hurt?” Yes. Lots.
“What will happen after?” Probably nothing, if you die.
“What if i survive?” It’ll hurt way too much, for way too long.
Why are you scared?
What if you have to live with depression, but could find ways to manage it so that it doesn’t rule your life? Would that be so scary? To just be down and sullen sometimes, but only sometimes?
I think lots of people are depressed; perhaps far more than ever admit it. There are countless reasons for that, and it often varies from person to person.
In order to best solve a problem, you have to understand it. To best understand it, you have to experience it. To experience it, you have to be alive. And while alive, you have to want, badly enough, to try to solve what’s wrong, so that it doesn’t cost your life to solve the problem with a sweeping, all-encompassing, utterly final solution… when you could take back control of your self and your life, confront your fears each day, heroically, and brave the life that scares you today… but won’t be so scary anymore, once you’ve spent enough time in its face, fighting it, refusing to quit, because you want to win.
And the reward might only be “the chance to take the bad with the good,” but most good things are worth a fight, worth enduring and tolerating some bad things, in order to get the best and most of life.
Maybe it’s not a fight you can “win.” Maybe it’s a war of attrition, and “victory” means lasting as long as you can, even if the war rages on.
Yes thats me.
thank you for taking time to respond.
I think alot of people are still here out of fear of what will come after death or the process of death itself.
i know I have to be strong but it’s just very hard, maybe overtime I will.
Your house has a roof tall enough to jump from?? =O makes my chicken shack sound like a door step!
I live in an apartment building
Oh ok…well I hope you feel better soon. Stay strong..listen to clever he’s really smart
Bad pic, but nice face. 🙂
I agree, i think lots of people fear whatever afterlife they are taught or willing to believe. I find the prospect of the process, itself, far more terrifying. I’ve known excruciating pain, torment, agony… and i’m quite certain that almost all deaths are painful to some degree. However… i also realize that when you want something bad enough, it’s worth facing and enduring considerable pain, to achieve. So while i find the prospect of the pain of death quite terrifying, i also tend to think of it like a band-aid. You don’t pull slowly and drag it out… you prepare and rip, and it’s done, and the pain subsides “soon enough.” Again, on the other hand, the idea of having no way of knowing, and nothing to indicate any future chance to live again, whether as a spirit, or another life in a new body with no memories of this one… the possibility of eternal nothingness, and not even being aware of the void of consciousness at all… makes me think that maybe i should endure as much suffering as possible, and try to win that “war of attrition,” and stick around long enough to know what “all i could do” really means. Life and time are the most precious things… because we cannot start them over or get them back, and they are finite, and whether we want it or not, sooner or later, we will all have an ending.
There are lots of good things that can still happen, if you can learn to manage the obstacles, both externally and internally, so that you can spend your time and energy working toward those good things, rather than struggling with impossible obstacles, or just lying on the ground, defeated.
You know already. Be strong. It’s hard. You’ll have to fight for every step and earn those small victories. Focus on what’s important, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Find where “realistic” and “worthwhile” overlap, and keep taking that one next step at a time, until you reach a destination you like… but remember that the “point” is the journey. Life is all about how you live it, what you do, how you feel in each moment, and what intent or motivations drive you to do whatever things are right for you, and whether you are able to figure out what is “worth it” to you.
Maybe start taking inventory of yourself. Go to the source, to determine how best to solve the problems. Don’t be afraid to live. Be fearless. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about yourself, unless you know on your own that you’ve done wrong. And if you make mistakes, forgive yourself for being human, and try to make amends. And if people don’t appreciate your charms… fuck ’em. I’m sure there are many who would.
Please don’t jump, I got drunk and tried that in my mid 20s and all it did for me was mess up my back to the point I get such intense pain at times I just crumple to the floor an its embarrassing when it happens in public.. and the pain from it is so intense I can harldy stand to move any part of my body even just my hands and the pain would just be so bad sometimes that it left me exhausted. My back has been messed up over 15 years like this because I got drunk and tried to jump. Please don’t do it , you may end up worse off.
How many stories did you fall?
Its been so many years i honestly dont rem if it was second or 3rd floor in this really old appartment building, i was just so drunk at the time an ready to go i just thought i would fling myself out the window onto a paved parking lot and that would be it. Boy how i wish i could go back and not drink that night.
actually here is a pic of the building i jumped from it was the top floor in one of the brick buildings at the end
http://www.hanburypreservation.com/projects/st_paul
So, did you change the pic because i said the other one was “bad?”
What i meant was not in reference to your ability to take a picture, but that the quality of image your camera had produced was seemingly low. Both are grainy and a bit blurry, but the face they show is attractive.
I wasn’t trying to be critical in any way. If anything, i was trying to draw attention away from the compliment. I don’t want to be that creepy guy on the internet drooling over some sad girl’s pretty face. And if you didn’t want people to see what you look like, why would you show us? You want us to see your image… but are you prepared to be found attractive?
Of course it’s not all about looks, but looks do matter, and yours should help. That alone can open some doors for you, which many others will never get the chance to walk through. If more people like to look at you, you’ll have more chances to find one that’s most like what you’d want. Those of us who get few chances, have to sort of latch onto anything that resembles “good enough.” And even that can be nearly impossible to find.
Even though the pictures are “technically bad,” or “low quality images,” it seems you’ve done rather well to maximize the capabilities of your equipment, and capture a good… damn, some photographer help me out with terminology here… “the picture is good, the content is good, but the quality of the image is bad.”
That’s the kind of bad you don’t have to worry about, unless you’re a pro photographer. I see nothing you should feel bad about in either one. Sometimes the best camera you have isn’t good. Not a problem. I feel a bit awkward that you changed it after i said that, and i hope that doesn’t mean my comment made you feel bad or self-conscious in any way.
(note: i’m not “going off about” anything… i’m just very verbose; ask anyone who’s been here a while. I just write a lot, sometimes about very little.)
Also i want to say something about “will it hurt” its has been a lot of years and even tho i was very drunk i still remember what it felt like when i hit the ground, i hit on my feet then my side/hip very hard, i felt/heard a pop in my lower back..a miracle i did not break any bones, but it felt as if someone had took a sledge hammer and beat me in my feet and ankles and in the side of my hip, the pain was unbearable
Well I guess landing anywhere but your head would result in less chance of death and much more pain, sorry to hear.
No its ok, I just have self esteem issues, but I don’t mind people seeing me here. No offence taken.