I realized something BIG. I don’t really know what it means but I’m not worried about figuring it out right now. I’m okay with just knowing this is enough.
I was talking to a close friend the other day (one who knows about the rape) about my fear of men and he was complaining that I don’t try hard enough to make it work. And he’s right, I give up before I can hurt again because I’m so afraid of letting someone break down my walls.
Thats when he started talking about God and how I should pray to him for guidance. Thats when I realized it…
I do pray to God. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.c
I can’t go to sleep without praying, I don’t know why but for some reason I feel safer knowing I’ve done it, and I don’t even know if I believe. How twisted is that? But…this God, this invisible being in the sky is the only man I’ve ever held a relationship with at all. Ever.
I see this as a revelation.
There are lots of us here who are afraid of being damned if they commit suicide, but honestly the thought had never once crossed my mind.
God has the power to deliver us from evil, but we have an even greater power to do it ourselves.
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9 comments
Your right, the best person to change your world isn’t a deity in the sky it’s you.
The demons lay with in, conqure yourself with in.
Perfect yourself, before you try to erfect others.
Glad to see ppl are getting my point
Hey girl I was worried about haven’t seen u on fb
Prayer is great, we may not understand how it all works but the power of your intention to focus on a certain goal/result/healing will greatly impact your life and you have the power to make that decision. I didn’t grow up with my mom and never knew what a real loving relationship was. It took me a while but all the work happens from within YOU. It doesn’t matter how many men you meet, YOU are the constant and the common denominator in your life. When you feel good with you -ie. your inner life, your relationship with yourself…you’ll have a better grasp of dealing with your external world and that includes where men are concerned. Reality is ruthless, and I don’t enjoy hearing about abuse, in any form. What I have learned as unpleasant as it is, is to look at the reality of whatever has happened as ask myself…”What’s the lesson here”, things do not happen by accident , and I’ve been through some wild sh**. When we look at things objectively and gain perspective on ourselves and our world….taking a negative and turning it into a positive…takes time, but that’s the idea.
It’s the cliche what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger theory. Good luck. Cheers.
Sucks: sorry I’m not a fb junkie 😛
Softsoul: I get what ur saying but I’m just not that self assured yet. I can’t take that negative and turn it into a positive. Sometimes i wish he would have just killed me instead to begin with because then I wouldn’t be having to go through all of this. I think if i had been older when this happened it would be easier for me to hold onto but because I was only seven and the sexual abuse went on for over a year…idk, Ive just been carrying this burden for far too long. Sorry for the long explanation..
Because Christianity always says that I know you’re a mormon^
hehe problem?
Well unfortunately for you I absolutely don’t care