you had a bad day……now what?(me ranting)

so i have been doing okay, one of those just getting by kind of things.  But today i had a complete horrible day and i really want to give up. and its like you have been doing good all this time and to let something like this get you so far down that your contemplating suicide is just preposterous right. but still i cant help but think about it. im tired and i cant keep doing this. i cant stand everyday “just getting by”. and thats one thing that no one understand. first of all i have to stay home instead of going off to college like i wanted to. i mean about two years ago i didnt even want to go to college because i didnt even want to live let alone go to college. and then i let my therapist talk me into just applying to just a few colleges that i would like to go to if  i wanted to go. and so i applied to university of Washington, because thats where i wanted to go when i was little. and to my surprise i got in, and so then i began to think maybe im not a waste. and so i accepted the acceptance. and i was all ready to go i had finished financial aid and i had paid my deposit. and so march rolls around and im like excited because im like new atmosphere maybe just what i need. and then i have a seizure……crazy right. and so i go to the hospital and they run all these test and they come back normal. and so they tell me dont pay it any attention alot of people have just one seizure in their life and then never have another one. and so thats what i did and then about a month later i wake up in a hospital again….because of another seizure. and they are like okay maybe something is going on.and so now im getting set up with a neurologist at this time. and so before i even get in to see a neurologist i have 4 more seizures. so at this point not only do i have depression i have epilepsy too. and so i go see the neurologist on june 11 and he tells me not only do i have grand mal seizures but i also have complex partial seizures and he would feel more comfortable with me staying HERE in dayton, Ohio until he clears me. and so i had to turn down my offer with UW and go to a community college because it was too late for me to apply to any other college.  thankfully i got my 250 dollar deposit back because it was a medical reason. im just ready to give up because it seems like everytime i take one step forward i get knocked 5 steps back. and today was just like the icing on the cake. i mean here i am giving out pieces of my back bone to all my friends to help them stand tall in their bad situations. but when i call them and just ask for an ear or a hand they dont wnt to give it. its like when it comes to my problems no one care. and i had one of my friends tell me i dont have a reason to be depressed because what im depressed about happened years ago and i should be over it. and that is true but he dont understand that i have night mares about that so on top of those night mares of my child hood i have to deal with whats going on today. but when he broke up with his boyfriend i gave him my shoulder to   cry on. on top of giving him a place to live and he cant just sit there for 30 minutes and listen to me…..i give and i give and i give and everyone just keep taking but when i ask for one little thing in return no one wants to give to to me. and so this same friend invited his friends over to my house and they were all just like  those mean girls you see in the movies, any who i was in my pjs and my hair wasnt done and i guess one of them took a picture of me and put it on facebook and they tagged my friend in it so i was able to see it on my news feeds too. and the caption read “look at this ***** that dequis live with #thestruggle” and they tagged everyone who was at my house in it and so i go through the comments and i see that dequis(the guy who lives with me) comment on their making jokes and laughing along with them. and this hurt me but i didnt let it affect me that much i was upset but i refused to cry. and so i asked my friend about it and why he didnt stand up for me and he said we always play like that its nothing. and im like well they didnt seem to be playing and they dont know anything about me so how can they judge me and he tells me to get out of my feelings. and i got in the shower and cried and got out wrote a letter sat it on the couch(where he sleeps) that said he needed to move out in the next 30 days and he reads it and he goes off on me so we are engaged in a screaming match and he is yelling all this hurtful stuff and im standing there trying to justify and than he yells “your a miserable depressed ***** and i wouldn’t care if you killed your self right now” and so i stood there quit for a little while and then i whispered you need to leave right now. and i walked away. i cried for a couple hours then i really needed someone to talk to and i i remembered this site and i decided to vent on here.