just an update/reflection

So as anyone who has been around for a while and saw my last post knows, I said that I would reduce posting here, mostly because I was doing so well that I didn’t feel like I needed to anymore. This has mostly continued, few bad days or weeks here and there, but all up 2013 has been the best year I’ve had since 2010 by a long shot. Anyway I recently went back over all my posts and one in particular caught my eye. It was written a year ago yesterday and basically mentioned how I was turning 17 on the 9th and only wanted a gun to kill myself with. Although I remember writing it, it was just so bizarre to read it being in the mostly positive and healthy frame of mind I’m in now. I mean I completely see it as a positive because it shows how far I’ve come and stuff, but it was just so strange. It’s also strange to think that I haven’t spoken to those people who talked me out of it or seen them around the sight. I really hope they are finding or have found happiness because they really did deserve it.

So recently I’ve been thinking a lot about the future, both short and long term (mostly because of a reoccurring nightmare I had, not that that’s important). Short term is simple. It’s my 18th tomorrow and for the first time since I was 13, I’m actually excited for my birthday. It means so much to me, not only because I’m going to be an adult by Australian standards, but because I did all I could to convince myself that if I could make it to then, I could make it all the way to the end of my natural life, and I honestly now believe that with the help of my amazing (and since last time I posted expanded) support group, I can. Also, at the end of the month, I’m off to the west coast of America (late 18th gift), so I’m super excited about that. After that, I just plan to finish year 11 again (repeating, but having a lot better time this time around) and year 12.

Long term isn’t so simple. I still have no clue what I want to do as a career, meaning that I have no clue what I want to do at University (I know that I definitely want to go), but luckily there’s still a year to go before I have to figure that out. Other than that, all I really know is that I want children and that I would like to get married to my boyfriend of 15 months (update: this has become the longest relationship I’ve had since I last posted!). I know 15 months isn’t really that much and everyone my age says they want to marry their partner, but as blindly optimistic as this sounds, I honestly think we have a chance. I mean we have been best friends since I was 9 and have never left each other’s side regardless of the hardships each other have faced, so yeah, I honestly think that unless something goes dramatically wrong, we have a strong chance to work out. Hopefully everything else works out too (I’m sure it will).

Anyway I wish the best for you all and hopefully I will see you all around (feel free to email me at crazypandachick@hotmail.com if you need to talk or anything)

CPC.