Does anything I do or say matter? I could kill myself. I could cut, I could physically hurt or maim myself… but would you know? I go to bed hoping for the worst, hoping you would take notice. I wake up with regret… knowing you are happy without me. Each day I go about in a daze. I think about what would have been had we stayed together. I don’t know if it would have been perfect… but who wants that? I know I want to be with you. I know I will never let someone sleep on my right side. I will never let someone lay on my right breast. I will never let another jump on my back and whisper in my ear.  There is not a person on this planet or any other that could make me feel like you do. There is no other I would rather sit and watch a fire with. I screwed this up. I pushed you away. I acted like a jealous fool. All along… you wanted to be loved and tried to keep us together. I see that now. I see the sacrifice you made. I am so sorry for not hearing you or listening to your cries… I was a fool. I thought was I was doing was the right thing. I thought I was the “tough guy”.  All along… I was the scared little kid. I sit here, with my gun to my right… praying that someday you understand how much I miss you. I know I pushed you away. I look for peace, I look for solace, I look for a piece of mind. I have searched and searched. I have spent many nights looking for what has never been found.  However, my gun stays near. It offers no solutions, yet, it offers no arguments.  It is a fast track to the end.  To the peace. What do I wait for? You? Another voice? My life is not worth saving anymore. I do not fear death. I only hope my profession brings it about sooner than later. I have tempted fate and actually pulled that trigger.  All I got was a dud… that pretty much sums up my life thus far. I know that I will try again. I know that I will build that courage and pull that trigger. Kristi… I love you. I always will. I miss my girl. I miss my best friend. I miss my soul mate. I pray that God will take me tonight. I love you. I always have and I always will. I will forever be your Biggs.
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3 comments
don’t kill yourself over love man. this is one of those moments where you need to look in the mirror and take stock of where you are right now. one of those moments where you cut your losses and move forward. no matter how tough and deep the muck and mire feels like you keep pushing on. women–can’t live with’em, can’t live without’em. it’s a place I was recently in. i was so lost in a suicidal haze many times over the past few months but i’ve kept pushing forward despite the immeasurable pain. if I can, I KNOW you can without a shadow of a doubt.
The world would not be better without you here. I know I can not save everyone, but I can sure try, right?
I want to be a friend to you and help.
My email is: brl.cents@gmail.com
I can promise to be a good friend, but I can not promise that I wilb understand you completely.
I feel exactly like you, but I don’t have a gun (yet).