I’m the saddest I’ve been in weeks

but I’m not suicidal sad.

For the first time since this whole shitty wanting to die thing began, I can honestly say that right now, despite the tears that have barely dried on my face, I have no inclination to kill myself. And that’s amazing.

I am sad at the moment, but I know that I am about to tidy my room and drink my cup of tea and dye my hair and have a bath and read a book and watch some TV and go to bed and that come tomorrow I will be okay. I am sad, but I know why I am sad (stressing about my final year of school starting on wednesday and all the reading i haven’t done!) and I know exactly how I can cheer myself up in the very short term (the tidying, the tea, the dye, the bath, the reading, the TV) and in the short term (by spending tomorrow reading and catching up) and I guess in the long term, to prevent this kind of sad stressed outness, I can be try to get myself better organised in the future.

I know this post is probably stupid and annoying, but I just want to acknowledge how weirdly good it feels to be sad both because it’s better than the numbness of last year and because I know why I am sad and know how I can be happier and how I am capable of it all. I’ve been feeling a lot more in control of things recently, and I’m pretty relaxed about that which I can’t control. I don’t know, I guess all I’m saying is that I’m functioning so much better than I have been in ages and it’s nice to feel real again, you know?

It’s good to feel sad and stressed simply because it’s good to feel things. I’ve slowly become more capable of opening myself up to emotions and feelings and I’m still in the process of teaching myself not to be scared of caring about stuff or of having feelings in general. I’ve just come to accept that I’ll never feel happy if I never let myself feel sad or scared or stressed and that for things to be good, it’s worth risking things being bad, you know?

I just feel a lot better, really, despite my current sadness and stress and the nerves I’m trying to convince myself not to ignore and suppress about the coming year. Things will be a lot easier if I can be a bit nicer to myself, just give myself credit and be proud of myself for things I have achieved and if I can be really nice to other people too, that will be nice for everyone.

I’m sad but I’ll be okay, my feelings right now are sorta like when you fall and you graze your knee and it hurts a bit but you know you can put a plaster on it and before you know it you’ll forget you even got hurt at all.

I guess my reason for this post is just me saying that I’m so happy that I’ve managed to take care of myself to the point where I’ve gone from suicide being the answer to every minor annoyance in my life (the whole “I could always kill myself” mentality was mine for a loong time) to it being something I am almost convinced I won’t be doing ever and have not even the tiniest inclination towards it right now.

I feel like things will be okay and I will be okay as long as I keep trying and that’s a nice way to feel. I’m sad, but not suicidal sad and that says a lot about how far I’ve come in the last year.