My story.

I’ve been dealing with depression on and off for the last year and a half. Its just becoming to much right now and I can’t talk to anyone about it, so I’m just gonna post my story. I don’t know if its alright to do it on this? Sorry if its not, I also don’t know what I’m hoping to come from this, I want help.. But I don’t at the same time. I want someone to tell me its ok to feel this way, but I don’t at the same time.. Basically I dunno anymore, so feel free to comment saying whatever you want whether its telling me I’m right or wrong to feel this way.
Btw.. One of my symptoms is just I have such a dizzy head, so if this doesn’t make complete sense sorry. My heads all over the place.

I don’t really know how to start this! Ermmm… Right, my names Sean as you can see from my username. I’m a 20 year old male, from Ireland. I won’t say where abouts obviously. I feel like I have two lives, my life from 0-12 and my life from 13 to the present because I completely changed, personality wise. I look back on my 0-12 year old self as if he’s my brother or cousin in a way. I’d like to make it clear, if the 0-12 phase was fine I don’t think I’d be considering suicide no matter what I went through now, and if my 13-P was fine and it was just my past that was hard I don’t think I’d be considering it ether. So I’ll explain the first part of my life and then link this life in with it now.

It started off as soon as I was born, my mam was friends with a man who worked in a bar across from her office. She told me she’d go over most nights after work with her friends but a lot of the time it was just to see him, they were friends but she liked him much more. So one night he asked her out after the bar closed to a nightclub or whatever… I came along, she said it got really awkward.. Mainly the pregnancy but the fact that he’d a girlfriend he never told her about and another baby on the way didn’t really help. They seen eachother when she had a belly and he never asked, but it was obvious I was his. Eventually she told him. Anyway, from day one he was never there. She looked for child maintenance in the first year or so, he refused and was sent to jail for a few weeks for refusing so my mam didn’t bother and stuck it out herself until I was 12. When I was 12 she started struggling or whatever, or just felt it was time to get the money she deserved.. I deserved. She took him to court once again and he agreed to pay, he also asked to see me which my mam said she’d ask me. I remember the day she told me about court and him asking to see me, pretty sure I cried with happiness because up until then all I had was a name and a photo from a newspaper cutting (cliche I know!) I remember texting everyone I could telling them I now have a dad and all.. can’t help but laugh at myself back then! So my mam arranged for us to meet in my granny’s house while she was out. So he came over for an hour or so and asked me all about my life, I told him my problems and dreams and everything. As he was leaving he asked me and my mam could I stay in his house to meet my two half sisters. I obviously said yes and my mam didn’t have a problem with it.. So I went over and met the two of them, got on great with them! Happiest day of my life… Apart from having to tell everyone around their area I was just their cousin. I never thought of it then but I’ve some feelings about it now. So he was walking me to my mams car and he said how’d I like to meet my grandparents.. again I was delighted and said yes. Throughout that week or two we’d been constantly texting, a few days after I’d gone to his house he just stopped replying. I tried ringing him, my mam tried ringing him and nothing. Another few days passed and still nothing, so I got the big phone book out and searched for my grandparents house number as he didn’t have a house phone. All I had was a second name, I must of rang 30 people before I finally found them.. Only to be told my “grandad” that he doesn’t live there anymore and not to call again. My mam and “granny” talked and my mam was informed that my father had never told them about me, they hadn’t a clue he even had a son. (I put granny and grandad in ” because I don’t see them as grandparents, I have my own who’ve been there for me)
So a few hours later my mam gets a call off my dad screaming and shouting over me calling them and all that and that was that.. Never heard from him again. A few months later he claimed he was unemployed and the child maintenance was dropped so that he was only giving us 10 euro a day if even. Apparently hes been unemployed since.

Thats the main event in my life I guess.. I feel completely rejected and any little rejection nowadays is taken very personally from that and some other stuff.
From the age of 3 to 4 I was bullied in school, for not having a father and other stuff too. Everyday it was the same stuff over and over again, I wasn’t allowed join in on games in yard.. I probably cried numerous times a week! To add insult to injury my only father figure died when I was 3. Its weird but I remember my mam getting that phonecall 17 years on as if it happened yesterday. My grandad died of a heart attack, I love my uncles but they have never been father figures. One has kids so he has to deal with them and the others just don’t know how to be a dad as they don’t have any kids. So I was confused a lot as a kid, I wasn’t and tbh still don’t know how to act. At home me and my mam would have terrible fights, I have and always will hate going to sleep without making up with a loved one, I used to be banging on her locked door begging her to come out and talk to me so I could say sorry. Never worked out well, its really hard living by one rule.. one opinion with noone to have my back. there were so many times I’d call my granny… Who’d just give out to me more!

Anyway, thats basically my life back then, bullied and never felt like I fit in with a dad who wanted nothing to do with me and a mam who loved me one minute and the next seemed to hate me.

So I started secondary school.. This is where I changed, I met loads of new people and actually made friends. By changing who I was, I tried being more confident and somehow I just became funny.. The downside was my education suffered big time as I was always kicked out of class for basically being the class clown. The fights with my mam were on going from 13-16 but that was the only real issue apart from in the back of my head the whole dad situation. It was around the age of 15/16 that things got hard again.. Well kind of. I’d had one or two girlfriends not many, I just talked a lot to girls that never really led to more than a kiss.. until I met this girl M, she was amazing and we loved eachother so much. I got a tattoo about her and everything 3 months into the relationship. We lasted another year and 7 months. The first time we broke up was a week into the relationship, it should have been a clear indicator of what was to come but nope not when your blinded with love, I got her back… only for her to dump me a further 5 or 6 times. It was a year into the relationship that we started having a lot of bad fights. If we were good for 1 day we’d fight for 1 day.. Good for 2 days and we’d fight for 2 days and so on… and thats honestly how it went for a long time, it was just a balance of good and bad days. Before I got with her I had a big fallout with my mates from around my area, it was my fault there was just no making up for it which I understand. So until I met her I never had a group of mates to hang around with, I only had one friend who I lost contact with when I got with her. During the last year of school I became depressed, when we were fighting I would feel really low and down, which meant I was nearly always feeling down.. I “slept” most of the time in class. I done really bad on my leaving cert as a result of just not being bothered. I got into a course a week before it started, really a last resort. I stuck with it for 3 or 4 months but throughout all that the fights were taking their toll on me and I started to develop real suicidal thoughts, not just “ugh I don’t wanna be here I’d love to fall asleep and never wake up” I just remember having a piece of glass to my wrist one night seriously considering trying to end the pain. So I broke up with her, a few weeks later I dropped out of college. I really thought I was at an all time low.. Until I found out a few weeks later she had a boyfriend, we came back into contact and I really felt low then! I started seeing a counselor soon after that.

Side story:
One of our break ups lasted about 2 months maybe, basically for the summer holidays. I was going to Spain for 10 days in June of that summer. A day or so before I left my mam became very ill, she was suffering with symptoms of vertigo so she was taken to the hospital, I went on my holiday and came back to my mam being in a hospital specializing in head trauma and tumors and alike. They thought it was a tumor, cancer or she had a stroke.. I didn’t worry to much I was convinced she’d be alright.. Probably just me being in denial. She remained in hospital until August or early September. During that my granny came over and went MAD at me and said that shes dying and she has a tumor and its all my fault for stressing her out over not doing well in school and all that, I felt completely shit because I didn’t do well because I was depressed. So that added to why I wanted to kill myself, I just didn’t feel right living I guess.

Now back to where I was, so yeah I went to the doctor and he gave me a referral to a counsellor and sleeping tablets and all. That night I went out and took my first “yip” (ecstasy) I’d smoked a few joints and done a tiny bit of cocaine before but didn’t like the weed and didn’t feel an effect from the coke just because there wasn’t enough.. But the E, wow excuse my language but it fucked me up! For the next 7 months I was out on the weekend drinking and doing E, which really didn’t help with my depression but I eventually got over M. So after dropping out of college and feeling like I done shit in my leaving because of the depression and because I felt a lot better due to the counselling I decided to repeat my leaving cert.. near the end of September I got a bus home with a fella I knew and his ex.. He walked off on her cause they were fighting in a rough part of my area so I walked her a good bit home, we just talked.. She only lived around the corner from me but we’d never crossed paths even though we both lived there 10+ years. The next night I was out and walked out of a bar to have a smoke and there she was, we both had no smokes so I asked if she wanted to go halves with me which we did.. So we went to the nightclub and found eachother and went out and all for our smokes, I walked her home that night and it was the happiest I’d been in a long time.. We stayed outside her house talking and talking for about 3 hours. We started texting and all and a month later she actually asked me to be her boyfriend! I obviously said no haha a few seconds later I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. Basically long story short with her it was a healthy relationship and made me realise that with M it was never a real relationship, or real love.
I’ll just call my new gf.. or ex now Auj cause thats what I call her for short sometimes. We broke up about 2 months ago, we lasted 8 months, and we’ve been on and off the last 2 months so she even said she counts it as the best part of 10 months.
The first 6 months were honestly amazing, we had a few fights.. but just because we were really drunk and we usually made up the next day. It was a complete shock to me when she said she was unhappy and doesnt wanna be with me, shits happened in between then, shes met (kissed) a few people and all while telling me she wants to marry me in the future and that she loves me and all. So now I’m here, tonight she’d barely look at me when we were at a gig.
I got back hangin around with my old group of mates from my area but this time they just started ignoring me for no reason and feeding me bullshit stories like they’re studying and that I’m just bringing them down because I’m always talking about my relationship problems, even though the first thing they’d ask whenever we were out is how’s me and Auj. So I’m more or less on my own, I have no really close friends. We’ve the same group of friends, some shes been bestfriends with for years which makes it a bit awkward for me. Anyway…

I want to be clear. I do not want to kill myself just because of a girl. I want to kill myself because of the pain I’ve gone through and the pain I’m expecting to go through. I’ve been suffering with anxiety for the last year or so but the last 2 months its been the worst, I’ve lost a stone in weight.. Can’t sleep, just can’t function right.. I feel like crying when I’m so anxious sometimes. I have been prescribed Prozac but I’m to afraid to take it as I’ve read it can sometimes worsen the symptoms before it gets better and I really can’t deal with that right now because I just have noone behind me, no support system.
Anyway about the anxiety, when something bad happens I get it really bad and the only thing that comforts me is the thought of ending it all.
My first time being suicidal when I dropped out of college I was going to go to the hospital beside me and take a load of tablets and just sit in the waiting room and hopefully die there, just so my mam wouldn’t have to find me. Now I’ve been thinking of ether starving myself, which wont be to hard considering I can’t eat anyway and I can only stomach one meal a day and even then I feel sick and get diarrhea from anxiety. The other way is going to one of my favourite places, Dun Laoighre and hopping in the sea, swimming as far as I can and letting hypothermia kill me. I couldn’t do anything in my house or somewhere that my mam would find me, couldn’t do that to her.
I don’t want to kill myself, I feel like I have to or I should so I don’t have to suffer anymore. Which is why its scary how ready I feel to get on the bus or just stop eating :/

This is coming up to 3000 words and I haven’t even said all of the shit thats going on in my head or reasons that I’m depressed. I’d like to thank you for reading if you’ve gotten this far, sorry for rambling.. I’ve realised by reason for writing this a bit more. I literally just wanna say it so I’m not burdening anyone cause theres literally noone I can just tell to get it off my chest. Anyway I know people care and all, I just feel really terrible that I seem to love people more than they love me and I don’t feel I deserve being treated the way I do, I don’t deserve to feel lonely and to be rejected :/ I’ll be off for a smoke so I can try and sleep, thanks for reading again.. I’ll try make it back, ether to be more depressing or say my goodbyes or maybe I’ll be feeling more positive and I’ll be back to add a story to the I Will Survive or Stories of Hope catagories.
Goodnight to anyone still reading!