Well… today is the day. After few hours I’ll kick the bucket. Im scared as f***, shivers and cold sweat
but it’s what I desire and there is no way back now. Faith will decide further. Guess being aware of the fact that someone will read this, makes me feel less alone. Imagined strangers are the only thing that comforts me at the moment, elsewise its like im dead already… not sure if that makes any sense, its like i have lost my sanity and the unreal becomes real…
I keep on wandering what will happen, what will I see, where will i go, will i even notice that im dead?
Where does life starts and where does infinity ends? Im heading towards a hell of a ride.
Wish me luck, see you again somewhere else 🙂
Empathy, guys… empathy…
52 comments
hey willow,your right i am a stranger. but if it makes u comforable my name is Donna.
I’m sure you will check this over a hundrd time, even to see if someone will cmnt, that what i did when contemplating suicide. But i really hope you don’t go through with it. see we don’t have to be strangers, we could be friends.It’s sicken me to read the last note of some, and that im reading the last historical event of someone life that succeeded in the process of suicide.
when there is no one there for you, you must reach out your self, go to a therapist and dont be shy, you know your story,you think about it every second of every waking day, that led you here. Anywhere, go to there office and talk to them , and tell them this is ur last dayy, you just want to leave with a peaceful mind. they sure ass hell with listen, by there guilty mind they can’t , from there if you give them a chance they will help you . please dont leave
Well whatever you decide to do….May you find the solace you seek…..if you decide to go ….I will see you on the other side very soon….good luck
I always thought when somebody is still scaring, and shivering and cold sweat etc, he/she is not ready to go. A succeed suicide needs a calm mind. That’s why I’m still here… My mind is quite far from calmness 🙂 And who would want to screw it up?
How will you do it? I’m just curious.
You still have things in life that taste good, feel good, smell good. Life is good, but when you really want to kill yourself, you forget about it all. I know. Stick around for a lil while longer.
@ Hella its just an automatic involuntary response triggered by the bodies will to live. Even if your mind is calm your body will still trigger that response.
@PainNlife
My hidden goal was to talk out WillowH of killing himself/herself, not to verify him/her. 🙂
@ Hella…. well you can do that without lying to them… there are enough people manipulating us on a day to day basis they shouldn’t get it from us too…Sometimes I too try to convince people not to kill themselves but if their mind is pretty much made up then all I can do is wish them luck and hope they find solace….because my mind is made up and I know how it irks me when people try to convince me to live as if I hadn’t tried that for a long time with disastrous results….I would just rather hope they go peacefully
@WillowH
I read one of your previous posts where you wrote:
“What if depression is not an illness but a higher state of mind, warning us that were ready for new realms.”
I understand what you talked about, and you were right. Depression IS a higher state of mind which gives us different (more sophisticated) views of life. It’s like a rainbow. “Normal” people only see one or two colors of it, and we can see more. Not only the red and yellow, but also the green, blue and violet. That’s why the greatest people, artists, painters, writers were almost always depressed.
I’ve always imagined when somebody can reach beyond the point of anxiety, she/he can develop a much developed life form and lifestyle most people live. But here in life, not after death. After death, there’s nothing, no new ways, no inifinity, nothing.
Perhaps depression is the way of evolution. You shouldn’t destroy yourself. Perhaps we, depressed people are the next level of human development 🙂 If all of us dies, life here in Earth will always suck.
@PaininLife
Who lied to them? All of the suicide methods require precise implementation. And when your hands are trembling, and you are shivering of fear, you can make a lot of mistakes. Especially when you are alone, and there’s nobody who assists you. I know a girl who jumped from the 8th floor, and she is still alive, because she didn’t check there was a big bush under her window which saved her life. Now she’s in hospital for more than a year, and she’s crippled from the neck down. She won’t be able to make another attempt, and she has about 60 years to live in this state. But the same for those who get brain damages because of the failed attempt. And all of these are because they weren’t calm enough.
By the way, you also manipulate the OP saying that’s ok, if she/he has panic symptoms when trying to implement the suicide.
Not really lying by definition but there is definite manipulation going on… “I always thought when somebody is still scaring, and shivering and cold sweat etc, he/she is not ready to go. A succeed suicide needs a calm mind. That’s why I’m still here… My mind is quite far from calmness” …then….”My hidden goal was to talk out WillowH of killing himself/herself, not to verify him/her.”
That’s a solid case of manipulation….
and no I didn’t you must not know the definition of “manipulate” ….”to manage or influence skillfully, especially in an unfair manner”…..how did I do this? I said nothing to her or him that manipulates them into doing anything outside their own will all I did was give the truth and say “Well whatever you decide to do….May you find the solace you seek…..if you decide to go ….I will see you on the other side very soon….good luck”….where is the manipulation in that? you tell me because I don’t see it
@PainNLife
“but if their mind is pretty much made up then all I can do is wish them luck and hope they find solace”
That may be true to an adult above 30 or 40 who already tried different ways to get better and always failed, but it’s obviously NOT true to a 18 years old high school graduate which the OP is.
@PainNLife
“I will see you on the other side very soon.”
Well, that’s a quite strong assumption where you suggest what you think he/she will do. “Other side” means the same to everyone on a suicide site. Assumptions and suggestions are also the solid cases of manipulation. Not to mention you also suggested that you don’t really care if she/he dies. I know that’s not true, and you only wanted to pay respect to his/her feelings, but it still sounds that way.
Look, I can understand you feel down, and tried a lot to get better, and want to end your life. I’m also on the same page with you. I can also understand you feel the legitimity of your pain and feelings are questioned, when somebody tries to talk down you or someone else of suicide. But I can’t do anything else. I feel I have to do something to help. Even if I can’t help myself. Yes, it’s a huge paradox, but you know what philosophers say, the final truth always manifest itself through paradoxes. I care for everyone who is in the same boat as I am. I care for the OP, and I also care for you. And caring is inherently a form of manipulation.
okay…..where is the MANIPULATION in that? I never encouraged or discouraged them to do the opposite of anything they already decided to do….”Well whatever you decide to do” was what I said before I even said anything else….the choice is all theirs…. Whatever they decide to do I wish them luck and hope they find solace is not manipulation in any way at all….
and how does them being 18 somehow mean their mind isn’t made up? Most people don’t automatically jump to suicide they usually have tried other ways that just didn’t work out for them.
“if you decide to go” preceded that statement….operative words being “if you decide to go” ….meaning I have no idea as to what she will do….come on dude now you are misconstruing and twisting my words to mean something else by not including ALL of what I said like I have done with you. I did not “assume” anything if I had then I clearly wouldn’t have said “if” I would have said “when”…. and in what way did I “suggest” I don’t care if they die or not? what statement did I make to give you that impression?
and dude caring has nothing to do with manipulation. People who manipulate people only do so to make them do what they desire….Since I care for someone I will manipulate them into doing my bidding? ummm that makes no sense….. Its like when a guy threatens a girl with suicide if she leaves him….so that is caring about her? manipulating her into remaining in a relationship is caring about her? or is it caring for themselves without regard for the other person?
PainNlife, you still don’t understand :(. The OP claimed she/he decided to kill himself/herself today and said there’s no way back now. OP’s decision = Suicide. If you support him/her in this decision, then you support him/her in suicide.
“how does them being 18 somehow mean their mind isn’t made up?”
That’s not a coincidence that law makes difference between minors and majors. It’s not about whose mind is “made up”. It’s about time. She/he hasn’t had enough time yet to try out as many options as one needs to make a responsible decision.
“Most people don’t automatically jump to suicide they usually have tried other ways that just didn’t work out for them.”
You can’t prove that. You can only speak about yourself. Many people kill themselves by a sudden decision, without thinking and careful consideration.
Hella. I like you very much.
Suicide makes NO SENSE at all. When we seroiusly consider it, we are delusional because of severe depression, among other reasons. That doesn’t mean your a bad person, or unfixable. Things can and do get better. I’ve thought about killing myself since I was a young boy, so I feel I will never fully shake that feeling or thought. I’m fine with it, I accept it, but I have found things that make it possible for me to live through it, and be basically normal.
PainNlife, the problem is that you think that manipulation is a bad and evil thing. I think manipulation can be also good and bad. That’s also what studies I once read say about manipulation.
Tell me an example when true caring lacks all form of manipulation. You can’t. Because caring is positive manipulation.
Suicide makes sense to those who have realised that this life is merely a chance to learn and discover what it is that REALLY matters, your mind and to be able to use it properly. Too many great minds have been passed off as madmen or hoaxists when maybe they were just onto something, just as Martin Luther King or JFK before they were removed from the program.
All you need to do is think. Read, learn and harness the mind. Some people are probably on this world by mistake, just like spirits dwell here by mistake.
Im neutral… If that’s what they decided to do then I have no objection to that. They didn’t ask for help they didn’t say they were “considering” they said they were basically on their way out the door. If that’s the decision they made with their own will then I’m not going to try and convince them otherwise because that’s not my place to do so because I’m only on the outside looking in I don’t know what hell they suffer everyday……However I did not manipulate them into doing something that I wanted them to do….that’s where you are wrong at…..It’s not wrong to talk people out of what they want to do if that’s your thing by all means go ahead but manipulating them is wrong…. and how do you know what they have tried to get better? being 18 doesn’t mean they haven’t been on meds, to therapists, to psychiatrists, to counselors and probably a lot more you are assuming they haven’t tried options available to them…..and you are right I can’t prove that but that’s what I advocate when considering suicide at all
I also see you failed to answer my questions about where I tried to manipulate her and all the other things you said I did but have yet to provide my statements to verify your claims
@Hella I can think of plenty of examples of evil manipulation how about you give me some “positive” ones you speak of?
@Ifm&Y….well I’m not going to get into that debate with you again I will just say we will have to agree to disagree and leave it at that
Sorry, manipulation is only ever an evil thing. Manipulators should be shot in the face.
Caring is not manipulation, also. Damn, brain not activated yet.
everything comes down to the individual and their own experiences. this world is created in such a way it is hard not to be manipulated by some hierarchies or agendas because of the way we are taught from a young age. relearning morals and values is a difficult task, but it’s down to the person, their mind and what state it is in.
I told the therapists one day I will hang myself and when I do, it will be equally painful on this reality as it will be glorious and enlightening on another
PainNlife, my goal is not to prove that you are the bad guy, and I am the good guy (or girl). I answered your questions more than once, but you misunderstood it. You wanted to help by reassuring OP that his/her feelings were valid. I wanted to help by talking him/her down of suicide. You think I manipulated and you didn’t. I think both of us manipulated, and both of us did it with a good intention. We won’t agree on this, because our views on the notion of manipulation are different.
To tell the truth, I don’t really care who manipulated whom and who didn’t. What I want is to help OP, and hope him/her and you and other people here will help me when I’ll be there (which may happen soon).
Yes, at the age of 18 OP could be on meds, to therapists, etc., but she/he couldn’t try out adult life. Adult love (of course in the good meaning :)), adult relationships, studying, working, living alone, being far from his/her family, etc. I think there are still options which can help him/her to feel better, get out of the black hole.
No I didn’t misunderstand anything you gave unsatisfactory answers without using my words as evidence like I did with you. I didn’t manipulate them in any way and “I didn’t reassure them their feeling were valid” if you feel I did then provide evidence as to how you came to that conclusion…. You manipulated her and I just told you that its wrong to do so….you can talk to somebody and convince them to do something without manipulation…. I didn’t manipulate her at all….If you say I have then I ask you to show me where I did…..you can’t….because I didn’t……If you want to help then that’s fine but manipulation doesn’t have to be a part of your game….
where is willow?
PainNlife,
I try to mention some examples of positive manipulation from my own life.
I occasionally have panic attacks. Usually when I have to go to formal places. For example I don’t dare to go to the tax office to ask some important things my business needs. So I don’t go, and this threatens my business what I worked a lot for. I say I don’t care, the whole thing is not that important, and I decide to ignore the problem. When my boyfriend notices it, tries to talk me into going there, if he can’t, he sets off and goes to the office, and arranges it, because he doesn’t want me to fail. He ignores my original decision, he tries to change it, when he can’t, he acts against my will. He doesn’t do this on his own interest, he doesn’t have a share in the business. So what happens afterwards? My business becomes successful, when I’m successful I’m less depressed, when I’m less depressed, I have less hard panic attacks, when I have less hard panic attacks, I can arrange my things better, and I become more successful. His manipulation triggers a positive cycle in my life.
The same with the doctor’s office. I never go to the doctor, only if a friend takes me. And it usually takes a lot of fight, and it’s against my original will.
Another example: I had a friend in the college who used to have an awful boyfriend. You know, who cheated her, ridiculed her, used her, etc. But she really loved her, however she was in constant pain because of him. Yes, I manipulated her, and tried to talked her down of her relationship. Because her other friends did the same, and her family did the same, she could finally dump the guy who she loved very much. Without help she wouldn’t be able to do that. Since then she is married to a nice man, who doesn’t use her, and loves her. If she remained with the bastard, perhaps she would be an alcoholic by now (she began to drink that time, but could quit).
All of us can tell examples like these. Manipulation is making influence on other’s behavior. This can be a positive influence with good intention or a negative influence with bad intention. If I give a good impression on myself on a job interview, I manipulated them positively. Perhaps I did it unconsciously, perhaps consciously, but not because I wanted other applicants to fail, but myself to succeed (and usually every applicants do the same).
@Knightofdoom
Yes, we should deal with willow 🙁
Where is the manipulation in either of those examples? The first one you are incorrect your boyfriend didn’t manipulate you to do anything he just did what he saw was best for you he had no sinister or ill will in his actions and he never said anything to manipulate you into do anything everything he did he did himself that is not manipulation…
The same goes for your second example where was the manipulation in telling a friend the guy she chose was wrong for her? I don’t think you know what manipulation means
http:// en.wikipedia. org /wiki/ Psychological_manipulation …… this will help you to understand what I am trying to say when I say you were manipulating
Idk, her/his post sorta sounded like she/he already committed herself/himself to death. Like overdosing, poison, or something. Sounds like its just a waiting game.
“After few hours I’ll kick the bucket. Im scared as f***, shivers and cold sweat, but it’s what I desire and there is no way back now. Faith will decide further.”
Also her/his description of shivers and cold sweat might not only be referring to a reaction of being scared, but a physical reaction to taking a suicidal action against herself/himself.
@willow, I hope your ok, safe. Reach out if you want, its ok. Its why we are here.
One could argue that all non-trivial interaction causes enough influence to justify defining as “manipulation.”
Anything done to alter a material can be construed as “manipulation,” regardless of the presence or aim of intent.
I think lots of people manipulate each other and their environments, without even realizing it… but some certainly do so intentionally.
Manipulation, in and of itself, is not inherently wrong or bad. It’s the purpose and method of application that determines whether it is right, wrong, or something else.
@harrietgail
Yes, you may be right…
Perhaps she/he has already commited suicide, and the physical symptoms ARE the effects of the suicide 🙁
I haven’t thought that 🙁
@PainNlife
I read the article you linked, and that only reinforced me that our views on manipulation are somewhat different. I tend to use it in the wider scope what I base on my former sociology classes. I liked Joseph Kirschner’s studies which regard manipulation as a natural phenomenon which can be observed in every human relationships. Of course, psychological/sociological concepts always can be defined under different scopes.
@clevername
That’s what I tried to talk about.
@clevername how is manipulation in any form not wrong? I disagree at the moment but I would like to know why you feel that way….How can somebody manipulate someone positively?
@Hella ….manipulate has more than one definition….it also means “to handle or control (a tool, mechanism, etc.), typically in a skillful manner.”…..the definition I used fits the situation on this thread correctly….I just want to understand what is positive manipulation? I need a definition and example I just don’t understand what it is. I associate manipulation with negativity
@PainNlife
I still think the examples I mentioned from my own life, are all examples of positive manipulation. “To handle or control, typically in a skillful manner” – this definition also fitted to the situations I mentioned. And it also fitted to my comment here, as my intent was to talk OP down of suicide, because she/he had panic symptoms which raises the chance of failure and long-lasting side effects + because she/he is still very young to die. I doubt I was that skillful, because I’m afraid she/he has done it 🙁 … but my intentions were quite far of malevolent.
I found a good definition to positive manipulation:
“The act of psychically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually converting negative energy into its most positive outcome.”
Positive manipulation is also offered to parents to raise a self-confident child:
http:/ /ww w.pivotaleducation.c om/assets/Uploads/pdfs/Ten-Steps-in-t he-Art-of-Positive-Manipulation.pdf
Positive manipulation is also considered to be good to raise people’s motivation. Businesses also use positive manipulation theory to motivate their employees in a positive way:
http://w ww.mixprize.org/sites/default/files/m edia/posts/documents/Positive%20%20Manipulation%20Theory.pdf
I think there are some books on the subject. J. Kirschner who I mentioned, he is Austrian, and I don’t know if his works are translated to English.
well my commment will be awaiting moderation for a while
it seems sp doesn’t like links
@PainNlife:
Because some manipulation is unavoidable, except by completely eliminating interaction… but then, by actively avoiding interaction, manipulation still occurs, due to removing an otherwise naturally occurring event from another person’s life. Anyone who does anything with the intent to produce an effect, good or bad, is manipulating. Manipulating someone else into their own detriment, is surely bad (those deserving, notwithstanding). But if you can manipulate someone into a more clear and accurate view of things, and/or inspire them to cause positive and beneficial effects, for themselves and/or others, then i’d have to say that’s a good type of manipulation. Sometimes people can’t see the way to manifest a positive effect, without help. Help is a type of manipulation.
@Clevername……..hmmm I guess you are right…..I didn’t think about that I just thought about the typical way manipulation is used….
@Hella I rescind my arguments….. I guess manipulation can be positive….but I always pictured it in a negative light because that’s how its typically used ….even on the link I gave you …you can see it doesn’t say anything about how it can be used positively….I stand corrected =)
@PainNlife
I’m happy that both of us could understand each other’s point of view 🙂
Just a question: On your last day before you plan to commit suicide would you mind to being manipulated in the positive way? Or would you be angry because of it?
I am sure it’s not possible for me to be manipulated into living because I don’t care about it anymore. I have nothing in the future to look forward to and I have enough shit on my plate to last for the next 10-20 years…. I am thoroughly grounded in my decision and the ONLY thing that would persuade me to not do it is…..a time machine ……which is impossible to make therefore there isn’t a way I see I can be convinced to keep living despite my hell….but I mean people could try but it would fail
I could also appreciate a time machine. 🙂
Anyway, it’s important to ground this decision well. If you don’t have other options, then careful planning may make it easier.
I’m still sitting on the fence. I’m curious on which side I will landed. My constant mood swings, this fucked up roller-coaster begins to bore me to death.
Everyday I try to think of reasons I would want to remain here and nothing appeals to me. I just don’t care about the future or anything it has to offer……I mean really what will the future bring? New updates on the same crap…..updated music, celebrities, technology, trends, etc….nothing new….just updated and more advanced….If they happen to invent a time machine well then someone can (hopefully) read this and come back in time to let me know…. I have many solid reasons for wanting out but I don’t have much …if anything …to remain living for…..the best I could come up with was that I wanted to watch the next season of NCIS but I realized I don’t really give a crap about the show its just a distraction it doesn’t do anything to help me in real life at all…. I have been meticulously planning it for a while….making sure to rehash the details so I get everything just right ….but its no guarantee everything will go 100% according to plan all I can do is…. do what I can …to try to ensure it does
“I have been meticulously planning it for a while.”
Yes, I do the same. But I’m still not dead-sure in it.
I’m dead set against being here in 2014 ….I was going to do it Thursday when I turn 22 but I think that would probably be too painful for my mom and to do it on my birthday just seems like an insult….between October November is the best time to go…. I’m actually looking forward to it
Yes, Oct-Nov is after your birthday and before Christmas. That seems to be the best timing for you. It’s nice you care for your mom’s feelings. My mother is a quite abusive person, and I know she’ll happy when I’ll die. I haven’t seen her for 7 years, but I still feel sick when I think on her ugly face. To tell the truth, it holds me back sometimes that I don’t want to make her happy. But sometimes I’m also looking forward to my last day… I wish I could somehow ease my pain…
I’ve tried ….and tried….and tried again…..sometimes I even managed to fool myself into thinking I was okay only to come crashing down even harder than before…. so I don’t try anymore….. its no point… I hope you mange to find a way to ease your pain….as for me I’ve accepted the fact that its over with
I don’t know how to try, and I don’t know how to accept the fact it’s over. Where is the limit where it doesn’t worth it any more?
I think its based on the individual…..My limit would differ from another persons…. I guess its just when you just know you’ve had enough….if you aren’t at my state of mind I would say you still have a little fight left in you….I don’t….I’m sick of fighting
I know what you mean. Fight-sickness. That would be a good title to a book. But how could the time machine help on that?
Because I could go back to the good times and repeat them countless times until I was satisfied then I would go back and prevent myself from being born effectively ending my existence.