I want the truth. I know that I’m really unhealthy. My stomach is acting up and so are my lungs. I’m not in the hospital, but I’ve been to the doctor’s office a few times. My adoptive mum says I’m slowly getting better.
I’m not though. I know it. I can tell when she’s lying. She’ll look anywhere but your face, twiddle her thumbs, and over explain. Check, Check, Check.
The truth is, I know I’m probably going to die. Wow, it’s weird saying that, but I am. If I don’t shape up and get over this stuff, I’ll won’t recover. It’s not easy. I haven’t really had a slip up in a few weeks, and I feel a little motivated. Yeah, most days aren’t good ones, but I don’t want to die. I do some days, but I want enough time to fix things with my friends and some of my family. I don’t want to be another drug addict that dies and no one cares. I want to be someone. I don’t care if I’m motherfucking Bill Gates rich, or if I’m Mother Theresa poor, as long as I make a difference. When I die, I want someone to care, but who would? Yeah. there are all you amazing people on here, but you don’t really know me. I want a best friend to look back when I die and say “She tried, and I’m proud.” That’s all I want. I really feel like shit. I’ve puked most of the food I eat up, I’m breathing better but my lungs are shit. I honestly just feel like this is major karma, which I deserve. I’m back on antidepressants, but I can’t really take them because I throw everything up.
Sorry if that was too much information. This is an extremely humbling process though. I deserve it too.
4 comments
your trying to console with your family and you realize where and how you went wrong. you obviously are trying. hopefully you dont die, but if you do hopefully you can make amends first. i probably havent been through what you have but ive had my share of fuck-ups in life. you at least deserve forgiveness and hopefully you get it.
@stabbymike That’s very unlikely. I’ve been in a few families, and the one I’m in now.. well I’ve screwed up a whole bloody lot.
well thats there fault then. youve realized where you went wrong and youre obviously sorry you did whatever you did. it would be nice for them to forgive you but you dont need there forgiveness and i know this sounds redundant and kind of played out by now but you only need to forgive yourself.
hey i have to go to bed, but ill be off and on starting in about 8 hours if you still wanna talk. stay strong.