Well… This sucks
im just… like… wtf? Sorry about the grammar, im still… high?
It was about 1 AM. I had been by the lake in the woods since 10 PM, sitting on the ground and waiting for everyone to leave or go home. Had problems with some stoners, who were melting just few meters away from me, they were staring at me constantly. I was about to leave and look for another place (sad, I really enjoyed the view there ) but at the same moment I thought about that they ran away. Still wandering why did they run? Whatever… So I sat there some more, listening to my favorite songs… bla bla bla…
“its time…” 54 pills of Xanax and a bottle of wine and two beers before that.
Last thing I remember is thinking “fuck, i dont feel anything…” Then I lied on the ground, choosed the last song i wanted to hear and put it on repeat “The End” by The Doors
then… Light. Im lying in my bed in my pajamas, not remembering a thing. Looked at the time, 7PM… noones home. I had never been so confused in my life. Got up and fell on the floor. Screamed in my head “Im not done!” Literally crawled to the kitchen and tried to get up. After drinking a cup of coffee, went to the bathroom and took my brothers shaving knife. “sharpen twice” so I sharpened it, got dressed.
Staggered to the market and bought cigarettes and cookies 😀 I felt a little bit hungry. Then wandered in to the woods (again!) I didn’t think about anything… Literally nothing… Sat on a stump.
… Who would have thought that slitting wrists would be soooo damn hard!!!! I have no idea… Am I made of steel? Or im not strong enough? With all my strength i slitted… 5 cuts on one wrist, 3 on the other. I lost a lot of blood but after a while the bleeding stoped. “What the hell is this???” I had serious problems with moving, with my last strenght i took off my jacket… “lets try freezing to death!” it was quite cold….
ANd then! i saw a flashightlight in the distance… Of course….
It was a man with two dogs. He came up to me and flashed the light in my face”can you move?”
“oh, god… i don’t have a phone with me! Com on, lets go get help” so he and the dogs left…
I lied there for about… i dont know. felt like a lifetime, maybe 20 minutes. And then I started to think. Im not welcome on the other side… ok, ill ask help, but not this way. I could barely walk, but after an hour (instead of 10 minutes) i was at my door, i could even unlock it!
went up to my brother… showed him my wrists (disgusting… even now, when i look at them, feel like throwing up) told everything and so he would call father and tell that i want to go to a rehab ot something… becuase I know i will try again.
Woke up a while ago… So here I am. Feeling so embarrassed… im scared. Will they help?
(I was surprised when I saw all the comments on my previous post… Wow. Thank you.)
*smile*
6 comments
Cigs and cookies :3 wow…i hope they help! That’s just terrible. Asking for help is a good step. I don’t think you don’t belong on the other side, i think you just want to get better and see what else life has for you. I wonder what the guy with the dogs is doing? Did he ever return? Or did you keave before he came back?
Yeah… i wonder about that too… he would probably return with the ambulance. hell no. Thats why ran (crawlwalked) away. I feel realy bad for him and would like to apologize, though 🙁
As far as I know, Xanax has been foolproofed for a while. You won’t die even you take 500 pills of it. (It only damages your kidney and other organs.)
I hope they do help you, don’t feel stupid. When I wAs (as I’d say) “exposed” I was pretty embarrassed and ashamed, but once I got to the ward I met some of the coolest people And I learned amazing things from them. Try it out? Give yourself a chance
yep… 😀 fuck Xanax… I thought if one pill can get me high then… im such a flippin idiot. Awh… whats done is done…
Thank you (: i will.