if you truly forgive someone, it means YOU are no longer concerned or worried about revenge, vengeance, retribution, restitution or any other means of “getting even” or “making them pay” for the real or perceived sleights and/or offenses against you. You effectively wash your hands of these past issues. But that does not change the real consequences suffered because of them
Example: If someone rats on you for stealing a candy from the store – you might consider forgiving them for being an untrustworthy rat … but that still won’t change the legal issues you will face from the justice system or the store owner
And just because one might forgive the untrustworthy rat – one must also NOT put themselves in the same position with the untrustworthy rat again … we must learn from the behavior of others to know and protect ourselves from the consequences from the actions of others.
So to forgive is largely a benefit to US by letting the past become resolved – done – finished … and we can no longer waste time and energy thinking about the past … as a side effect the person that wronged us get “let off the hook” but it’s a small price to pay for our own inner peace and the ability to shift our focus to the present and future instead of looking backwards. Almost every time we focus on the past and making someone pay for the offenses they committed against us it involves dark and negative thoughts and actions that do nothing to plan or shape a positive outcome for our current or future situation.
forgiveness is a choice, but it has to be a resolute and final choice … one cannot continue to assess and deliver punishments for the past travesties until you feel satisfied … think of it in terms of a loan … if you loaned someone $100 … and you forgive the debt, you can’t then punish the person later for not repaying the debt that was originally forgiven
@Brokendream – yes – i forgave an ex … and although she spent her every waking hour trying to find ways to screw up my life i let the past go and had no more dealings with her on NAY level … but of course knowing what she was capable of i kept a watchful eye from a distance to make sure i stayed out of any traps she tried to lay for me … this has gone on for decades and it must really suck to be her living each day like the day we broke up … i have since enjoyed life immensely without much thought about her or what she thinks or does.
and that’s just one of many – i do NOT let them consume rent-free space in my head
But yes – one should never forget the lessons learned … to do so is to risk putting yourself in the same situation again. But like you don’t forget that 2+2=4 … you do not think about it every day either … it’s a fact, just like the sun rising in the east or the moon orbiting the earth … the people that hurt you cannot be trusted … it’s there, but it does not require attention, scrutiny or assessment.
The past makes us who we are. It shapes us into what we are and what we will become by giving us a basis for our decisions in future problems/situations
Forgetting and letting go is different from becoming someone or something due to those things.
Thanks – most people have an incorrect definition in mind as to what “forgive” means – they have the impression that it is something you do FOR OTHERS … but it is not … that is merely a side effect, a by-product … “forgive” is something purely intended for the self
The actual definition:
Forgive
1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for
b : to grant relief from payment of
2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon
When people have the wrong impression of what forgiveness is – it is exceptionally hard to justify “giving it” to anyone, especially those that have wronged us. But the truth is that the only reason NOT to give it is if you are SOO hell bent on vengeance and retribution that you’d rather suffer the consequences and live in resentment only to avoid “letting” them benefit from the side effect
nothing good for the self is achieved by that mindset.
Dawg’s right. This reminds me of something I said elsewhere on the site: “You don’t have to forgive someone that hurt you, but you can forgive yourself for believing in them. Then it will be easier to forget, and you will not feel agonized on every passing thought of this person.” You just need to occupy yourself with other thoughts, maybe of other people, and then you’ll find that the one who caused you pain is barely on your mind anymore.
15 comments
Nothing’s every quite what it seems, does it?
if you truly forgive someone, it means YOU are no longer concerned or worried about revenge, vengeance, retribution, restitution or any other means of “getting even” or “making them pay” for the real or perceived sleights and/or offenses against you. You effectively wash your hands of these past issues. But that does not change the real consequences suffered because of them
Example: If someone rats on you for stealing a candy from the store – you might consider forgiving them for being an untrustworthy rat … but that still won’t change the legal issues you will face from the justice system or the store owner
And just because one might forgive the untrustworthy rat – one must also NOT put themselves in the same position with the untrustworthy rat again … we must learn from the behavior of others to know and protect ourselves from the consequences from the actions of others.
So to forgive is largely a benefit to US by letting the past become resolved – done – finished … and we can no longer waste time and energy thinking about the past … as a side effect the person that wronged us get “let off the hook” but it’s a small price to pay for our own inner peace and the ability to shift our focus to the present and future instead of looking backwards. Almost every time we focus on the past and making someone pay for the offenses they committed against us it involves dark and negative thoughts and actions that do nothing to plan or shape a positive outcome for our current or future situation.
forgiveness is a choice, but it has to be a resolute and final choice … one cannot continue to assess and deliver punishments for the past travesties until you feel satisfied … think of it in terms of a loan … if you loaned someone $100 … and you forgive the debt, you can’t then punish the person later for not repaying the debt that was originally forgiven
accountant dawg
I can totally relate! I feel the same exact way!
@comcats: no it dosent
@Daug: did you ever forgive someone who made your life a hell?
@gloomygirl1313:
I forgived every person who hurt me but like a person once told me YOU CAN FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET
@Brokendream – yes – i forgave an ex … and although she spent her every waking hour trying to find ways to screw up my life i let the past go and had no more dealings with her on NAY level … but of course knowing what she was capable of i kept a watchful eye from a distance to make sure i stayed out of any traps she tried to lay for me … this has gone on for decades and it must really suck to be her living each day like the day we broke up … i have since enjoyed life immensely without much thought about her or what she thinks or does.
and that’s just one of many – i do NOT let them consume rent-free space in my head
But yes – one should never forget the lessons learned … to do so is to risk putting yourself in the same situation again. But like you don’t forget that 2+2=4 … you do not think about it every day either … it’s a fact, just like the sun rising in the east or the moon orbiting the earth … the people that hurt you cannot be trusted … it’s there, but it does not require attention, scrutiny or assessment.
old dawg
@dawg:
Ok and wise words
The past makes us who we are. It shapes us into what we are and what we will become by giving us a basis for our decisions in future problems/situations
Forgetting and letting go is different from becoming someone or something due to those things.
Thanks – most people have an incorrect definition in mind as to what “forgive” means – they have the impression that it is something you do FOR OTHERS … but it is not … that is merely a side effect, a by-product … “forgive” is something purely intended for the self
The actual definition:
Forgive
1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for
b : to grant relief from payment of
2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon
When people have the wrong impression of what forgiveness is – it is exceptionally hard to justify “giving it” to anyone, especially those that have wronged us. But the truth is that the only reason NOT to give it is if you are SOO hell bent on vengeance and retribution that you’d rather suffer the consequences and live in resentment only to avoid “letting” them benefit from the side effect
nothing good for the self is achieved by that mindset.
vocabulary dawg
@oddoneout:
Thats true
@Duag:
I guess its true
And lol you can be a psicologist
Dawg’s right. This reminds me of something I said elsewhere on the site: “You don’t have to forgive someone that hurt you, but you can forgive yourself for believing in them. Then it will be easier to forget, and you will not feel agonized on every passing thought of this person.” You just need to occupy yourself with other thoughts, maybe of other people, and then you’ll find that the one who caused you pain is barely on your mind anymore.
And if is your own family?
The others I can but some of my family?