Soul Searching

I cant remember barely who i used to be or when the last time was that icould genuinly smile and say that i was happy. Ive been looking for quite the time and no one wishes to support me. I come off as a beast not only as a coping mechanism but also a filtering system to see who is willing to dig past the disgusting to find the pure within it. I am not a bad person nor do i wish to be. Its just a matter of balancing who i truly am and who i am in person. I do know that im not supposed to be this way but i am. Those who have failed my test make it much harder to dig through the barriers. Love helps me but alas im alone and ive run out of many options. I stand tall on this side of sanity with the grace inside waiting to relieve the fallengrace. Lonely as i am, i feel safer inside my dark being then to revise and push the brightness out. If people judge me now when i try making a statement what will they think if i become a flowery doormat?