beat. beat. beat. broke.
everything i touch it will break. i don’t know to take care of things. neither of people. people around me are also confused, depressed, desperates.
it seems my sister will commit suicide. every day i think about it. one day, my parents or my brother would call me: “your sister is dead. she’d commited suicide”.
i think about mine suicide most of the days, but i’m managing to control it, with a little help from my friends: prozac and rivotril. fuck.
i need to finish school. i had abandoned it because i became a coke addict. weed too. and it’s fucking awful when the best moment of your life was under the effect of a drug. one fucking hell of a drug. and is shit, to can’t see my fucking best friends. my two best friends. fuck!
sometimes, i wanna throw everything up and just snort again one line and meet those guys again. those motherfucking guys, who teach me an unbearable pleasure:
cocaine. almost ruined my family. i cry most of the times i think about my mother and father. Â they will die. soon. my sister will die soon. she’ll commit suicide. i’m swming into these waters of sadness. tears. tears the come all the time. from me. from her, my sister. from he, my brother. from her, my mother. but i’ve never seen my dad crying. he’s a fucking awesome guy. dad i love you. Â and my brother and sister keep atacking him, saying that he was an horrible father. almost a monster.
he didn’t do anything, fuck! but sissy keeps saying: “i wish i had another father.” brother says: “dad is an asshole.”
i got money now. i think i conquered my mother’s confidence again. fucking love her. fucking love my brother. fucking love my sister. i.
i don’t know if i love me. i don’t know myself. i don’t feel myself. i’ts just emptyness. as if i were hollow.
cocaine fills me. it completes me. but it’s just for fucking fifteen minutes. the fucking best fifteen minutes of my entire life. the rest is just a bunch of shit. the eternal shit of life.
hope that shit makes any sense. hope someone can help me. i have a bad english. not from an english-speaking country.
i like violence. i will smoke a cigarrete. and sleep. and fail at tomorrow’s test. makeout with my girl. fuck. and then come back to home. mommy watching television. 52 years. daddy 50 years. myself 17 years. brother 23 years. sissy 25.
shouldn’t prozac stop making me cry?
fuck. i will fail. i already failed.
hate.
(i need someone to talk)