Hi, I stumbled upon this site last week. It’s been interesting to read everyone’s experiences and I thought I’d share my own.
I don’t wake up every morning wanting to die.
When it comes to life, the hand that dealt me was fair. I did very well in school and continue to do so through uni. I have a loving family (albeit broken), friends, and a long-term stable relationship. I have never suffered abuse of any kind.
But sometimes, something within me changes which I can only describe as the ‘Switch’. When it turns on, life is no longer enjoyable. My energy is gone, my heart is heavy and my stomach is sick, I cry, and fantasise about ways to end my life. It scares me.
If I’m at home when it happens I can lay on my bed – it doesn’t help but at least I’m safe. When it’s going to and from uni, I want to sprint out in front of the train, or walk along the tracks. Â I have to say out aloud to myself that “you know you don’t really want to”. And when the train leaves the station, I have an overwhelming feeling of disappointment, and guilt.
I don’t do drugs or self-harm. The most I do is dig my nails into the back of my neck or forearms. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t know why I do it. Maybe to say “you’re not dead”. Because when I’m like this, I definitely don’t feel alive.
Then after a day, sometimes a few (the longest was 6 weeks but I’ve never experienced anything quite as extended as that again) the Switch turns off. Â When I stand on the station’s platform I think “how I could possibly contemplate suicide?”. I can’t even comprehend my own thoughts. I don’t share the same feelings as myself when the Switch is on. I can’t even imagine it. Simply, I can’t relate to my own personal experience. I just know that in those moments, I feel like I’m in the deepest, darkest hole digging downwards. In these times I loath living.
It’s different from sadness. I know when I’m sad. When I came back to Australia from overseas I was terribly sad, when I receive a bad grade I feel upset, or sometimes it’s just one of those days.
 But this is different. And I’m scared to seek help. Because I feel like they won’t take me seriously. I don’t have scars, I don’t have a fucked up childhood. It’s just a switch that I can’t control. And I don’t know how to appropriately convey my true feelings as I always seem to brush off how much it affects me. I guess I’m embarrassed.
If I get help, I don’t want to be recorded with a mental illness. I don’t want to disclose that on certain documents. I don’t want pills.
Maybe it’s not even a mental illness.
Maybe I’d just be wasting everyone’s time.
Because at least for me, things do get better if I wait long enough. I know it to be true even if I don’t believe it at the time. It’s strange because when the Switch is on, a dominant part of me wants to feed the depression – this drives me to suicidal thoughts; while the other part tells me to go to sleep and hope to wake up better after the chemicals in my brain settle down. For this reason I nap once or twice a day to help myself turn off the Switch so I don’t have to live with the conscious feeling of longing to die.
Because at least for me, things do get better if I wait long enough. I know it to be true even if I don’t believe it at the time. It’s strange because when the Switch is on, a dominant part of me wants to feed the depression – this drives me to suicidal thoughts; while the other part tells me to go to sleep and hope to wake up better after the chemicals in my brain settle down. For this reason I nap once or twice a day to help myself turn off the Switch so I don’t have to live with the conscious feeling of longing to die.
One of my biological parents has depression. I didn’t know until a few years ago. My step mother sometimes notices how I act and she reminds me that I can always talk. I’m grateful for my family. I’ve been researching genetic depression more as I’ve noticed the Switch has become more active in the last eight months.
Can anyone relate? If not, it’s nice just to have someone read this.
1 comment
You sound depressed, obviously. Sorry you feel embarrassed.
“I think “how I could possibly contemplate suicide?â€. I can’t even comprehend my own thoughts. I don’t share the same feelings as myself when the Switch is on. I can’t even imagine it. Simply, I can’t relate to my own personal experience. I just know that in those moments, I feel like I’m in the deepest, darkest hole digging downwards. In these times I loath living.”
I relate to this, except its like my “switch” is flicked on and off over and over again every day,all week, every month, all year long…
I hope you find the answers, and support you are looking for and can overcome the “switch” Cause God knows I HATE it!!!
🙂