I’m such a waste of breath. I wake up and feel clueless why I should try this again. Everyday is monotonous. I am a failure as a wife, as a mother, as a friend, a daughter, a sibling, a photographer, a Christian, a person…every aspect of a person.
Everyone else is better off with me dead. 🙁 But when I say it or share how I’m feeling, I get anger frustration, guilt trips, and lectures in return. I’m screwed up. I absorb life wrong.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t think i’ll be around much longer. I’m screwing up the lives of everyone I love. I’m ruining, threatening, or burdening their lifestyle, habits, dreams, outlook…
I reached out for help, and it was supposed to be good, but all my doctoring, all my medications, all my efforts have only been the cause of problem after problem. I wanted help but have only ended up hurting, and hurting those around me in my efforts. :'(
Every night I lay here in bed and cry. I cant even have my husband sleep in bed with me. I’m too anxious, I have life disturbing OCD’s, struggle with PTSD and as a result my marriage is just hanging in there….
I feel selfish. I feel guilty. My husband was with me tonight and we were just talking, and I started talking about some things I have been feeling, and he starts to fall asleep. I know its not because he just doesn’t care, . . . Â he was up late last night, up at 5:30, worked all day, came home picked up my daughters and then went out scout for wood cutting tomorrow…came home, got the girls ready dropped them off with their grandma, and then was ready for bed being so exhausted…he feels terrible he cant stay awake.
My friend just across the hall has been my go to, but she is on call and works all weekend day and night – Friday starting at 5pm until Monday at 8am. Tomorrow she has a super busy day and so she is going to be getting up early and going non stop till Monday. I feel incredibly guilty for wanting to go wake her up to just cry and sob that I don’t feel good, and feel dangerous and out of control…especially if I vent it out, calm down go to bed, but then she gets called in the middle of the night and is severely tired all day tomorrow, or if she has to go some where and is tired from being up…driving dangerously and it being my fault.
I hate myself. I’m not thin enough, not pretty enough, I’m tired all the time, I cry all the time, I’m too sensitive, I’m always feeling lonely because even when I’m with people, –even if I try describe or share, no one knows how I feel, no one understands what it feels like to be me, to feel how I do. 🙁
Tomorrow I’m going to be all alone. my husband will be out cutting wood, my friend will be working and driving all over the frickin country, her husband will be working, my girls are gone to their grandparents…what the heck am i supposed to do? being alone doesn’t sound safe or fun.
🙁 well back to burring my face into blankets and pillows to cry and scream…. I’m hurting so bad and no one in this house has a clue whats happening right here in my room, in my head. 🙁 🙁
4 comments
Well, one thing I can latch onto here is that you are not a failure as a Christian – nobody is. That’s actually the point. Christian doctrine across the whole berth of the denominational divide is relatively consistent on the point that Jesus came and died because people are all uniquely, and uniformly sinful and broken. You can never be too broken – that’s just all the more reason you’re not a bad Christian. You’re human. Like everyone.
If you have PTSD and OCD, believe me, those two conditions are doozies, and together, they can take a serious toll on your emotional well-being, and on your energy reserves. It’s not your fault. 🙁
But what is it you’re hurting about? If talking helps, you can talk to folks here and we’ll listen. We’re all in the same boat.
I know all that, believe me, I’m the eldest of 4 children to a Pastor of 30 plus years. Raised in the church my entire life. I still feel like a failure, and by some, I’m made to feel that way–never be good enough, even when Im feeling like Im doing great, I am still completely failing.
I have been sexually abused on many occasions, raped twice. Verbal abuse, mental abuse…I have multiple Obsessive Compulsive Disorders that make sleeping in bed with someone, eating in or out with people, grocery shopping, walking into buildings, being around people with dry skin, etc etc etc…absolutely impossible. My everyday life is effected. I struggle with Major Depressive Disorder. My life is a mess… :'(
I don’t think there’s a person alive who doesn’t feel like their life is a complete fiasco – that’s part of living, the chaos of all that stuff out there and other people. Just remember – you may feel like a failure, but the feeling and the reality outside your feelings are two different matters. You live for you, your life is yours, and it’s a glitter in the dark. How you live, what you live for, is what you are, and you wouldn’t feel this way if you didn’t care about the things you value.
I know life is a mess for most, but my life is unbelievable. Everytime I have written it out, tried explaining it, or told someone they have been at a fucking loss for words. Its just that messed up.
I dont know what I value anymore. I want to say I value my marriage, but we dont have sex, he sleeps downstairs on the floor in my girl’s room, he hardly see each other and its small talk. An acquaintance marriage? Not what I want….ny daughters I love but they are so much better off.
im embarrassed at what I am. I can’t even write a comment out without deleting parts or entire comments and rewriting. :'(:'(