i just feel like an overall miserable person and it’s been building for so long, which is why my misery comes out often now. it’s difficult to suppress and hold inside. i dont know what to do anymore. i dont know how to convey how upset i am without it coming out in a way that will cause a fight. im screwed no matter what i do. if i just say things calmly, the magnitude of my hurt and frustration is not heard and it gets completely ignored, which leads to misery, if i yell, it just causes a fight and i get yelled at and that leads to my misery, if i cry, which i cant help, that causes a fight and i get screamed at and then nothing gets accomplished anyway. does anything ever get accomplished? are my feelings ever heard? i dont think they are. and when they are, they dont seem to be cared about or deemed very important or valid or justified. i am just hurt and it comes out too often. im conflicted, i feel like ive been holding it inside somewhat for so long so it just comes out more and more now and causes issues, and im beginning to burst. i am having a hard time focusing on my work. some of this stuff is easy and should not take long, but it’s taking so long because i lack the motivation at the moment. my roommates are watching a movie right now and i just want to shut myself off from the rest of the world at the moment, but thats not good either. i just want one day not to cry and feel upset. i want one year to not cry and be upset. idk. i just wish that i was a happy person and that people would do things to reinforce my happiness. i just feel an overall upsetness. on top of that i have horrible fears all the time about everything. anything and everything that could possibly go wrong in life. i have nightmares on a regular basis, and they just keep getting worse. it’s either straight out of a slasher movie with me or people i care about getting hurt or killed, or raped, or im lost and cant find my way, i lose my boyfriend and cant get to him and then when i try to contact him somehow my phone is broken or im being held captive or something like that, most of the time the dream is I’m in trouble and pleading for help and need my boyfriend, but my dreams just get worse and worse. since when im awake i am upset and scared, i wish when i went to sleep at night it didn’t add to all of this. it makes it so much worse. i am terrified of being awake and of sleeping. there is no safe haven for me. how do i get rid of these awful dreams. how do i just make myself be happy. even if people refuse to reinforce my happiness. i think what really adds to my misery is that i feel like im a nice girl and i really care about other people, my boyfriend at the top of the list, and it just hurts when i feel like im nice to others and go out of my way but dont get that in return.