How does one get over thinking about how hurt their children, family, and friends will be after they commit suicide? I keep telling myself I can’t continue to feel this way for them. I’ve gotten help, but I just can’t make my brain think what I want it to. I’m still despondent. Everyone knows how I feel, but it’s been so long that I try to hide it so I don’t burden them further. I decide I have to do it, I can’t think of another way out, but I think of my 19 year old daughter crying for me, and my mother who has already lost two brothers, a nephew, parents, my father and my sister.
Sometimes I hate them for it. I just want to be selfish for once. I just wish that one time didn’t have to mean forever. I welcome that the end result, no more pain, would last forever, but their forever pain would begin. It’s vicious.
4 comments
I’m not encouraging you to commit suicide that is solely for you to decide however…. I think you need to realize a few things….I see you have a 19 YR old daughter and I don’t think parents should ever consider suicide because they have brought innocent and unwilling lives into this world….but she is 19 so she is technically an adult that can care for herself however at 19 she is still somewhat considered a child until 21 and even then she probably will still need you until her mid to late 20s. I think the only time a suicide of a parent is understandable is if the kids are no longer financially or emotionally dependent on them…when you have dependents its not fair to them for you to check out….
also you need to realize you don’t owe it anybody (except your children) to live this life if you don’t want to…. You are not obligated to suffer just for the sake of not hurting people…. if you died by any other cause they will be hurt period….death causes pain regardless of the cause….suicide isn’t selfish IMO and they won’t feel pain forever….they would get over it just like any other death it would just probably take a bit longer due to the stigma surrounding suicide but they would recover…. I think about the pain my mother and sister will feel when I commit suicide but I realize they won’t feel it forever….Death is unavoidable so if not now then later….death is random and unscripted….you could decide to live and get struck by lighting ….hit by a drunk driver….food poisoning….the danger of death is everywhere even in our bedrooms….your furnace could malfunction an CO could kill you without you even knowing it was doing so….
I think the only person you need to really consider is your daughter….is she emotionally stable enough to handle it? are you all very very close? Is her father around and involved in her life? do you have a close knit family that she can depend on for emotional support after your death? Is she dependent on you financially? …….. these are just a few questions you need to take into consideration before you decide to end it….
Suicide is not avisable for parents. hahaha 🙂
Yes we are all extremely close. My husband walked out on us last year and he rarely contacts her. Our whole family has been devastated. This isn’t why I want to kill myself, I first felt this way in 4th grade, but it’s the final straw, so to speak. Her father does however financially support her (very, very well). She lives off in the dorm at a nice private college and has always been very independent and resilient. I think she would be ok, but I hate to think of the unknown. What if she inherited my depression and it just hasn’t reared it’s ugly head?
And my mother, she’s lost so much already. You’re right though. She does not need me to get by in life. My family takes care of each other in every way. No one really “needs” me to survive.
Turn the tables. She wants the same choice and for you to accept it. How would you go about?