Keep forgetting
the mistakes
the pain
the tears
the depression
the loss
the guilt
the regret
how everything just ended.
told him truths
yet lies in between
pulled him down
just so he could remember
so much frustrations
tried to fix things
but ended badly.
Continued to play the old games
and tried to play them
but that made everything worse
then felt even more guilty
everything made me so lost and confused.
I am still stuck
but more crazy and unknown
I am losing my mind
I can’t cut
I can’t do drugs
I can’t dream
I can’t run
I can’t do anything anymore.
I am just stuck
I can’t cry
Everything just sucks.
I don’t want to miss him
But I still do
I don’t love him
I don’t even lust him
I just despise him
He’s supposed to be the better one.
Not the coward
Not who I am
Funny how I just forgive him just like that, but I wont forgive myself.
He doesn’t even forgive me. So why should I forgive myself.
Do you know how difficult this is?
I tried to prevent this shit a long time ago
I thought letting him go a long time ago would be better
So this would have never had happened.
I didn’t want to love him
He wasn’t in my deck of cards
but he gave me his attention
for months
he told me he missed me.
he cried
and begged
yea I know
I understand
but I do despise him.
As much as I tell myself and others that I don’t give a fuck about this coward
I know how it feels.
I understood the pain
I am a coward as well.
Rejection is a *****.
Losing the one you loved and cared about for so long is now just nothing and just perishable.
I didn’t want him and his family to stay in my bullshit.
I am a monster and always will be.