Even if I am actually capable which I’m sure somewhere deep down I am…actually no. I am not sure of that. I’m trying so hard to imagine myself doing anything but in honesty I can’t imagine myself living another day. I cannot fathom what is in store for me, in the next week, month or year. I feel like my chest is being crushed right now because all my friends are succeeding or at least, they have the potential to do it. I am, each day, becoming more afraid of people, more awkward, more impossible to tolerate let alone love. And no one takes me seriously. Sometimes I just want to rip off my skin and run to the hospital because then I can do what I want, I don’t have to fight anymore and they can drug me up and leave me there to rot and die and maybe even write some songs. Because that’s more than I’m doing here. I’m just lying to everyone about how I feel and how I intend to live my life. I’m 20 years old now and I’m still feeling as crap as I did when i was 17 and I am no further forward, no closer to any kind of fulfilled life. I want to save a baby who’s pram has ran in front of a bus and heroically lose my life in the process. I want to travel as an aid worker to Syria and throw myself before a young family as gunfire rings out across the square. That would be ok. To die in a glorious way, it would salve the pain of my mum and dad and my brother…there would something to hang their grief on and they could leave it there, not completely but it would help them. I can’t imagine living, but I can’t imagine dying and leaving my family in my wake.
What sort of a life is this? The only point of my life will be to save someone else’s…i just need to wait for the right moment.
3 comments
but seriously now, you don’t have to imagine yourself doing anything in life to do it. i never imagined myself snorting cocaine everyday, but here i am. i also never tought i would be able to trespass my social anxiety, my excessive shyness, my fear of insects (haha) and i also used to think i would die a virgin, so shy i was. you see – things change, and no one can predict how they will change. and… life IS pointless. that’s a fact everybody should agree and accept, but that doesn’t stop us from living.
you’re getting better (perhaps cocaine aside)…i’m getting worse.
well i’ve became a junkie, and don’t think that can be conceived as “getting better”. what do you think it need to be improved on your life? (don’t say everything, please, otherwise i won’t be able to help you).