feeling very depressed

I am 35 you would think I would have grown out of this cutting shit. but apparently not. I have not done this in years and years and now all of a sudden I slice myself up. I decided that I wanted to do some self modification. I am so hurt so angry so mad…. I had told my husband that I was going to do self modification and do some scarification (a form of “body art”) and I decided to make myself look like a living Sally doll (from nightmare before Christmas) so I sliced lines all over my legs and cross hatching to look like stitches.. I kinda think it loos cool .. but omg I have never seen so much blood.. never cut so much or so deep…..a few might need stitches but the point of scarification is it scarring…. so… yea thats where I am right now.. depressed slightly tipsy and cutting the shit out of myself. I keep getting closer.