D day approaches

I will discover tomo if I still have a job or not, this has hit me harder than most!! Unlike most people who work to live I happen to live to work…I love my job and spend most of my life there, having nearly working myself half to death doing upto 90hrs a week for the past 3 months trying to make the buildings modification perfect I made a mistake.

A failure of communication between myself and another member of staff and then me listening to a senior member of staff who I genuinely respect and trust and doing as she asked me to do unquestioningly has left me in this position, should I have listened to her?? In hindsight NO but there was no malice on my part, it was a genuine mistake.

So now here I am did I do something stupid yes, was anyone’s life put at risk no, but anyway after 13 years of being golden boy I am now in this position and I can’t tell a soul.

I have been off sick since the time of the fact finding interview making everyone but the 3 people involved believe that I was sick, going back to work last Friday I expected to have a decision however there was no news so I have spent another wkend in hell, avoiding friends requests to make plans for the coming wks as I don’t know if I will have a job and basically eating sleeping tablets to try and no think and keep myself comatose.

I am terrified of losing my job I can’t think of any way forward but to end it all, I can’t tell my family or friends, alot of whom work for the same company through sheer shame…not a great reason i know but it’s so alconsuming that I can’t think of anything else, I have even purchased my exit equipment in preparation for the inevitable.

I know compared to a lot of people’s problems this is small time but in my little head my work is everything to me and the pride I have doing it actually is preventing me from saying anything.

anyway just wanted to get all this off my chest before tomo happens and I either carry on as if nothing has ever happened or in the next couple of days there may be quite a few questions raised.