“I don’t know where I went wrong,” — It’s a thought I surmise that a lot of people in this situation must have had floating around in their head at least once before. But I’m not certain whether I was ever properly ‘right.’
I know that I’m lazy— the literal embodiment of the sin of sloth. I know I’ve been a financial and emotional burden on my family. I know I’ve been caught in the cyclical mindset of negativity for much too long. I know how many once-close friends and acquaintances have walked out after having finally given up after becoming sick of my blatant unwillingness to take even the smallest step forward in my own self-interest. I have a predisposed aptitude for becoming a memory in the minds of others.
The worst part is knowing how easy it is to change. I’m lucidly aware of how little time and comparative effort it would take to start heading life in the right direction. Even now there’s a tangible deadline I’m shirking in favor of complaining on what seems to be one of the final bastions of genuine anonymity in the digital world. I’ve rationalized this for years, yet still do nothing. Why do I remain in static inaction, in direct contradiction to what I know to be personal progress? Why do I persistently permit life and opportunities to crumble and pass by?
Taking my own life would be a selfish theft of emotional capacity from my immediate family, whom have continually displayed undeserved trust and sincere love despite my own transgressions. But I’m past it— as far as that’s concerned, I’d rather off myself now than continue to be a burden to them in the waking world thanks to my seeming addiction to lethargy. Right now, it’s those seven God-damned seconds of potential pain and the biologically-encoded survival instinct that prevent me from doing the deed.
4 comments
Heh I can relate to pretty much everything you said. Except I’m not sure that I feel it would be easy to start heading in the right direction. I wish it seemed easy. To me it seems incredibly hard to get out of this hole. I’m familiar with the laziness thing too. Funny thing is that certain belief systems from other parts of the world actually encourage disconnecting from life and not always trying to attain some goal, zen Buddhism etc. But in the western world, you’re supposed to have ambition, supposed to always be chasing something. I’m lazy simply because I like being comfortable. Life has hurt in so many different ways for so long, I at least allow myself to be lazy and stay comfortable in bed if that’s the only relief I can get.
“The worst part is knowing how easy it is to change. I’m lucidly aware of how little time and comparative effort it would take to start heading life in the right direction.”
……Its never easy to change……picture us all on this site as huge fully loaded 18 wheelers going 100 miles per hour…..now picture that you want to do a U-turn because you figured you went the wrong way…..now also imagine that you have no brakes……so you want to do a U-turn going 100 miles per hour with no brakes? not going to happen…..you’d have to let the truck slow down on its own….and do you know how long it’d take for a fully loaded 18 wheeler going 100 miles an hour to stop in order to do a U-turn? The point I’m getting at here is that change isn’t easy…..and it takes a lot of time and a helluva an effort to change…. If you fool yourself into thinking change is easy then when you fail at an attempt to change it would only make you think less of yourself…..I mean if you failed and you thought it were easy wouldn’t that make you feel worse? I know I would….
“Taking my own life would be a selfish theft of emotional capacity from my immediate family, whom have continually displayed undeserved trust and sincere love despite my own transgressions”….
Please stop saying “taking my own life” it fools you into to thinking your life belongs to someone other than you!….. I mean replace “life” with “dog” and you’ll realize what I mean…..You can’t take anything from yourself because it already is yours….you can give it up but you can’t take it…..
I’ve also thought that in the past….that it would be a selfish theft of emotional capacity…but what I came to realize is that it was never obligated in the first place….its like how can you be selfish for taking something that you were never obligated to give anyways? Its like giving a friend a ride to work everyday then feeling guilty for selling your car because he won’t have a ride…..is that your responsibility? to provide transportation to him? Were you obligated to do so? or was it a privilege for him;a favor? …..your emotional capacity is like the car….it is not selfish for you to “sell” it if you deem necessary…..I mean really I am not sure what distinguishes the suicide case from the escape-from-slavery case……..In both cases, the agent removes himself from a horrible situation after a serious wrong has been done to him….In the process, he harms those with an interest in his remaining in the horrible situation (friends and family for the suicide, the slave owner for the escaping slave)….But it would be very strange to say that the interests of the people left behind are sufficient to create a duty not to leave the horrible, unfair situation.
I’m not encouraging you to commit suicide I just want you to understand certain things because society has done an EXCELLENT job of distorting suicide and making it out to seem like a selfish and cowardice act. They demonize it so much to make it seem like any one who considers it isn’t good or they were crazy and depressed or whatever but what they fail to realize its that suicide is neutral….if you do not want to live you shouldn’t be held hostage by society to do so….
“There are two types of courage… the courage to live….and the courage to die” -Hiroshima survivor
wow.. painNlife.. just. wow. that helps me a lot.
@painnlife…. I agree, wow, good comment!