Death used to scare me. Every time I thought of it, my entire body would shiver and I would think of people I love; how they would react, what would happen after I died, how they would cope. I didn’t want anyone I care deeply to be hurt because I died. Well, not anymore. Death is comforting now. It doesn’t scare me to think about it; it’s inviting even. And when I start to think of the ones I love, the thought that I will simply not be here rushes in. I won’t be here. It will all be over. All the pain, all the tears, all the nightmares, all the scars, all the wounds; it will all be over.
I know there will be people who will suffer tremendously after I’m gone, but I won’t be here. Get it? I won’t know because I will not be here. Some people say that committing suicide is a coward decision. Well, fuck them because it’s not. Committing suicide is one of the most difficult decisions someone can make. Imagine just how much despair, pain and torture people must be to take their own lives. It’s not easy… You hit rock bottom. But then it’s over. I started giving out my letters to loved ones last week, but asking them not to open until the end of the 13th. That’s when I’m killing myself. It hurts to know I will leave people I love so incredibly much behind, but then the comforting thought of not being here surfaces and I feel numb.
Call me selfish if you want. Call me anything you want. But I dare you to feel how I feel. Not only what I feel, but the intensity of my feeling, this feeling that eats me alive and destroys me every second more. It will all be over soon…
1 comment
It was scary when I first realized I wasn’t afraid of death anymore…I’m more afraid of the actual dying part than I am of anything else….knowing you’ll die soon is so fucking liberating and heartbreaking at the same time….It’s liberating because it frees you from everything this life has you chained to but heartbreaking because it had to come to death for you to have some sense of freedom….
Suicide has never been or will ever be “a cowards way out”…it’s ironic though because most people who say that are scared shitless at the thought of death….so the person who voluntarily faces it is the coward? lol I’ll never understand that logic….The way I see it …”There are two types of courage….the courage to live… and the courage to die”
“Committing suicide is one of the most difficult decisions someone can make.” – I think we can all agree that it is the most difficult decision anybody can make ever….what decision holds a greater consequence than this one? If you choose to live then the consequence is whatever takes place after that decision good or bad…..If you choose death….the consequence is that it’s final….I have given much though and reflection over suicide for that reason alone….Its permanent….there is no undo or restart…..
I hope your loved ones do not read your letters early and thwart your plan….I mean what other purpose would a delayed letter serve? I’m sure they must have pondered over the purpose of waiting to open them….anyways….may you find the peace and bliss that you deserve…. I will be joining you on the other side very soon….