I am surrounded by an incredible sadness. It lives inside of me, in the people that I met, it is around me, it is everywhere. It is me.
Or well, I don’t know if you can call it an actual sadness, maybe just more emptiness. That is what I feel. I feel empty.
Like a shallow shell, just wandering around in the world, with no care for anything or anybody.
I just think that I have given up in a way. I see no point in fighting, because I don’t feel like there is anything to fight. This is just who I am, maybe this is what I was meant to be. Maybe I am not even supposed to be here.
My head is a mess and my thoughts are washing over me, again and again, in a never ending wave of complete darkness.
The smallest little hill seems like a huge mountain to me, and I have no idea have to get over it. I am in a lack of power, and I have no control. But hopefully I haven’t ever felt the need to always be in control, so that, I guess, is a positive side effect of my behavior. I want to excuse myself, if any of this doesn’t make sense, but I also just want to say, that none of this makes sense to me, either. My thoughts are becoming more and more unclear, and I don’t how to make sense of them.
I can see how I, day by day, am hurting the people around me. At least my humanity isn’t that lost.
I wish they wouldn’t care for me, that much, and just would forget about me. Because if they forgot about me, there wouldn’t be any point in me, still being alive. And that is why I still am here. For them.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I guess I in a way don’t really care. I don’t care about myself. Nothing seems important to me anymore – reading which is something I used to care for more than anything in the world, is not something I do anymore –  and I don’t crave compassion or being with other people like “normal†human beings do.
I have created this web of depression and I don’t know how to get out of it and to be honest, I don’t know if I want to or even can get out of it.
This is my first post here. I hope you are all okay, even though you probably aren’t.
2 comments
Hey twinkletoes everyone here is lost but at least we are looking for a way out you are right most have only stopped from checking out for the sake of others just like you and come here to be in the shade anything to share the dark times with those who know the feeling so join the asylum you will find the patients here smarter than most shrinks and way more entertaining
I understand you as much as a human being could do. I feel like i’m missing something, like there’s an actual part of my body lacking, and this emptiness lingers on every day more or less covered by activities. At the end of the day, if i don’t go out or do something else, i’m alone towards this giant void that opens inside me.