Long time listener, first time caller.
I read your stories and sometimes I find myself feeling jealous of how bad some of you have it. I haven’t gone through anything compared to many of you and I still want to die. I mean really, really want to die. And up until 4 months ago I was the life of the party. Full of so much positive energy we’d all want to kick my ass. I’d talk to strangers for hours about how lucky we were to be alive & now…I’m a complete shut-in. No job, no contact with friends, no cell phone. Nothing. I had a manic episode and never recovered. I remember the day I woke up and was convinced I was brain damaged. I still don’t know what happened. At 31 I went back home to live with my parents, but a part of me already died. It’s too late. There’s no medication or conversation that could possibly make me want to live again. And I don’t know why exactly.
I wish I had your stories. The abuse, I mean, Jesus. The fact that you’ve made is this far is admirable. But I had a great childhood and nothing major to complain about, aside from the fact I wake up every morning. Still breathing, but dead inside. I am almost unrecognizable, even physically. It’s just about impossible to carry on a conversation with me about anything besides the weather because I’m so mentally foggy. I can’t stop sleeping. Thank Christ for that. At least in dreams sometimes I feel like myself again. From the outside, it looks like depression, but I know it’s more than that. Either that or I have severely underestimated Depression. Probably both.
For now I’m thankful for negative energy. I’d rather be miserable and own it than fake being happy and hate myself.
2 comments
Hello negativity,
I read your blog and I really need to say that I have been there done that. But you want to know how I got the hope to live again seriously I started by reading my bible and applying the words to my life and then when u do that there will be a hope inside of u . Find a good Bible believing church.You probably don’t believe or maybe u do know. That the God of this universe’s loves me and u that what keeps me sane it is because there are people all around that do not believe and want you to see them as for who they are.
Blessings
Suffering really is a subjective experience. There is no set-in-stone reality, all of live is about personal perception. So comparison does not really help much. It can be good to realize that other people have it much worse and to appreciate that certain things have not happened to you, but the flip side of that, you do not need to sell your own experiences short and feel like you “haven’t earned” being unhappy. Some people can suffer illness and loss and abuse yet have the personality to stay strong and smile, others can be brought to rock bottom by the end of a relationship or something trivial. There is no right and wrong, we are each our own individual person and have our own level of suffering.
I can relate to having no job, no friends, I have a phone but it never rings or beeps, nobody talks to me.
4 months ago is not that long ago when you were living a different life. I can’t exactly grasp what you’re thinking happened to you, whether a mental illness or you think something physically is wrong with you, but is there nothing to be done to figure out exactly what went wrong? It will be harder to get back to where you were if you sit around and let it turn into 4 years, but right now it is only 4 months ago that you describe a different person. I would work quickly to try to get some help and figure out what exactly happened, it is never good to let yourself slide deeper or to get comfortable at rock bottom. Don’t let that memory of 4 months ago fade into nothingness, figure out what the heck happened and how to get back there.