Ive been drinking most of my life, since about 15 and I’m approaching 40. I had a horrible childhood. Drinking was my escape from reality. Recently, I stopped drinking and along they way….my suicidal thoughts went out the window. My life was great over the summer. I was swimming, roller skating and lounging in the sun all summer. However, now that Autumn has arrived, my horrible inside depression has crept back and I’m drinking again. I want to kill myself, just for the drinking alone. With drinking comes panic attacks that sting like a dagger. Â I know that I have been self medicating myself with the liquor, but I hate doctors so I can’t be medicated with pharmaceuticals. Â Yesterday, I started to drink around 2pm and didn’t stop drinking till 3am. I almost hung myself. There was a little voice in my head saying go into the closet and hang yourself. I keep thinking that life has to be getting better from here. I cannot live like this anymore.
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I know how it feels to want to be free from the mess.
I often stress over my own drug dependency issues. I think about how it effects everyone around me and my behavior. I wish I could live a normal life but it’s not gonna happen in this one.
…Further more.. I’m always in some kind of pain cuz of my spine. If I could, I’d be drugged out of my senses every minute of every day! 😐 ugh.. Life sucks!!
I never quite know what to think when people say “a voice tells me to do things.”
If it’s coming from inside you, then it’s a part of yourself… and if it’s part of you, then it’s up to you to control it, and perhaps make those voices not say those things.
When i think certain thoughts, i often think them in a spoken voice, a way that’s comfortable and familiar… and while i realize it’s me thinking these things in this voice, it seems that others think such voices are not part of them, or come from somewhere, or something else.
Any thought i think is my thought, whether i like it or not. If i think it, i can also not think it.
I definitely don’t recommend depressed people drink, especially alone. It tends to exacerbate the physical impact of emotional distress, despite the notion that drinking allegedly makes people “numb.” I think it only makes you numb to certain things, but more sensitive to others.
Yeah.. Like numb to being punched in the face..but still being sensitive to a kick in the junk! 😉
If you have been sober and happy before, SEEK HELP. Join an AA group, the weather and holidays makes people depressed and you might not want to die now, this is why you are searching for help here, but if it’s substance abuse what’s keeping you feeling like this, you have to stop but you might need help. If you have friends and family please share this with them, don’t be ashamed that you have had started drinking again, it’s a vice and it will get the best of you. Best of luck.