I have a great life, and will be the first to admit it. I have a great family, great friends, go to a good school, I have no major complaints. Why do I feel so shitty? Why do I feel so lonely? Why do I feel so worthless, beaten and broken? In all rights I should be happy, but I’m not. It’s getting hard to remember when I was, and even harder to remember what it feels like to not pretend. It’s exhausting. No matter where I am or what I’m doing it never leaves my mind. It’s always there, whispering that one word. Why won’t it stop and leave me alone? Will it? Can it? I’m starting to doubt so. No matter how hard I try to remove it from my mind, it never budges. That one word. That one fucking word won’t leave. I can barely even type I’m shaking so much. Yet as bad as it gets I can never talk to anyone about it. I don’t want to burden others with my fucked up mind. I guess this is what it’s like to care. I know that talking to someone would help, but I can’t bring myself to do it. It took me long enough to work up the courage to even post this anonymously. That one word, the one I never even considered, the one I refuse to even say, never seemed quite this big. For the first time in my life I finally considered it. It has never scared me this much until now. I thought this was a battle I could win, but I doubt I can now. It is so bad that when I finally had sex for the first time in my life, all I could think of is that one word. How fucked up is that? I never thought that one word could ever hold so much power over someone. That one word has taken away all the things that used to make me happy and turned them into shit. That one word. Maybe it’s right. Maybe I have been wrong this whole time. The only way for it to leave it seems is to give it what it wants. But I can’t. Maybe I can. I don’t even know anymore.
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6 comments
i know how you feel…..
You know, don’t feel like you are supposed to be something better with great family and friends. Often people show only their best sides but the truth is that we all have flaws. I don’t know what that word is to you. But hey, people will accept you just the way you are because they care that much. There might be of course people who will make you feel even worse than what you do yourself but they are not worth keeping around. Because those ones will find one flaw and then another and one more and it never will end.
Whatever it is, just tell someone. Like tell it here. We don’t know you in here and at least I am not judging anyone.
And don’t give in or give up, you can do anything you want.
What value is the freedom to do whatever you want when all you want to do is die? I can’t explain why I feel this way, I just do. Maybe soon I will work up the courage to actually talk to my friends or family, but as of right now, I just can’t see myself doing that. If they did reject me, which I feel may be a real possibility after how they reacted when I told them about the depression I suffered from in high school, I don’t think I could handle it. Maybe that means I’m not as close to these people as I thought. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. My sense of judgment is virtually non-existent being in this state of mind.
I don’t know what advice to give you…but if you think they will understand when you know they reacted negatively to you telling them about depression then you are setting yourself up for failure….just to be certain….pretend you have a “friend” that is going through the same exact thing you are….and that this friend asked you for advice and ask those people what they think about the situation….this way you will see what their true opinion on it really is….this way you can get an unbiased opinion on things without revealing that it is actually you that is suffering….if they say what you think they will then you can find some other avenue of help….I don’t know what that is but its definitely not them if they have a distorted view about depression and its effects
I can empathize with you a lot. My life isn’t perfect, but it would definitely be manageable if I wasn’t so depressed and unstable. I have a lot of resources to work with, I just don’t have the motivation or heart to utilize them and take advantage of opportunities. If you don’t have any immediate reasons to be feeling this way, perhaps it’s a chemical imbalance, are you on medication? It could help. I used to be deeply depressed for many years and at its lowest point I couldn’t function properly with chronic lethargy, no concentration or focus, feelings of surrealism, intense physical pain, absolutely no appetite and no desire at all to do anything but sleep, but after some months of antidepressants my mood leveled out. Although I’m still depressed, I’m able to think clearly and evaluate my situation from a sober perspective. They could help, it’s worth a try if you have nothing to lose.
I’ve never looked into medication, and quite frankly that would be the last possible thing I try. I have had bad experiences with medication in the past, and that brings up some past fears. The only medicine I really ever use is nicotine and alcohol, it seems to help a little I guess. All I know is that this is the worst I have ever been, and don’t know what the best option is for me. I feel dangerously close to the edge , like it’s coming up sooner than I think, and don’t know what I’ll do when I get to it.