I have been out of work since I graduated from a master’s program. Since then, I’ve been struggling with severe depression. It’s been so bad that I get to the point where I have panic and anxiety attacks when going to interviews. I’m on welfare, but it doesn’t give me enough money to live. My boyfriend has been helping me, but he got laid off. I am so worried about money and how I am going to eat and pay rent that it’s hard to do any job searching. I’m to the point where I don’t think I can work right now until I get mentally healthy. I’m on medication and go to individual and group therapy. I found a program that will help me, but it’s hard to go because a lot of times I feel like I can’t get out of bed or take a shower, let alone go outside or be social. I lost my public assistance recently because I was too depressed to fill out follow up paperwork, and now I have to reapply. I won’t get any cash assistance this month bc of it, and I need money for cigarettes. If I don’t get cigarettes I feel really suicidal and I don’t want to be hospitalized. I thought if I could be stress free for 3 months and not worry about money, I could spend time in the program and the people there could help me with long term solutions, like getting into the workforce again. My boyfriend can help with some expenses, but won’t pay for me to get cigarettes. I asked my mom today for help and she basically told me I was lazy, asked what I did all day, and said are you really that fucked up that you can’t work. She said she has no money and that she has already helped me out a lot and that people in the family were talking about me because I have no job. I feel like there is no hope for me, Ive tried everything to get better and nothing is working. I honestly wish I were dead. I want help but I don’t know who I can turn to or how I can possibly get better if I can’t find some sort of support. I never would wish depression on anyone, it’s a serious illness that no one takes seriously and that people think you can just cure with willpower. I’m a nice person and try to help others out, and I just want someone to take care of me when I’m sick. I’ve had to take care of myself emotionally from childhood and never got any love or support from my parents. I just want my turn to come, I want someone to help me for once and care for me, instead of the other way around. I wish there was something I could do or someone I could turn to, but my family offers no hope and gov assistance is a joke. I really, honestly, just want to get better.
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Sadly sometimes you just have to give that first step out of it for people to help you… not because depression is not something serious or something that can be beaten with just will power (sometimes it is, most of the time isn’t), but because most people do think it is, and won’t help you until they see you do something about it…
the good thing is that you do have a boyfriend that helps you along the way and a family, and you do have a carreer and master degree… so most likely it’s just a matter of time to find a job that gets you busy again… also you shouldn’t let that your lack of luck finding a job affect you that much, it’s a difficult time for everybody regarding work and most of the time the difference between people with jobs and unemployed ones is just that… pure luck (i’m on the same boat and i’ve seen people less qualified than me get a job, lol)… i know it’s hard to fight depression but hey, at least you are not alone 🙂
Masters in what ?
How about a fast food joint ?
How about a “Call” girl ?
Dog walker ?
There are many ways to make money.
i’m similar in some respects. there was a time when i was helping everybody in need, but when I needed help i had nobody to ask for it. what i found strange is that nobody could detect by himself that i need help. yes, i’m proud and won’t directly ask for it, but still they should be able to see it themselves. i think they do see, but are happy to see the high falling.
Aletza, how are you doing? You didn’t get too much help here so I wanted to check in. Your family is not helping you, neither is said bf. You got yourself through school, you must be strong. You want someone to take care of you because no one really has to date.
This is normal. You are not crazy. We all need to be taken care of but you have been left to take care of yourself and to give to others when you have not been filled up yourself.
I found your post by searching “just want someone to take care of me” because that is where I am, too. You want someone to give you a hug, to say it will be ok, and to bring you soup when you are sick, at least I do.
I’m sorry the greatest solace you have right now is cigarettes. I hope you can see the day when they do not offer you more comfort than people.
Where do you live? The general region I mean. There will never be enough jobs, or society, for a person with a master’s if the populace is 50,000 in a 50 square mile area. I hope you are well. Be well, and know you are thought of this evening.