i just don’t see the point

i don’t know if i would say that i am actually suicidal right now.  i mean, i have thought about it before, but i have never had the guts to do anything about it.  but i just feel so hopeless.  i feel like i am at such a loss for anything and i don’t see a point anymore.  there really isn’t any one thing that is affecting me.  i just feel like my life doesn’t have meaning.  there is nothing in my life that is driving me forward.  i have stagnated and i’m stuck.  i don’t know what i am doing anymore and i don’t know where i am going.  i used to see such a bright future for myself and now i can’t seem to find it anymore.  i am struggling with money and school.  i don’t know if i will ever achieve my desired career and if i do, i doubt i will be successful.  and i am so alone.  i don’t have any friends who want to spend time with me.  every time i hang out with someone, they act like it is such an inconvenience and imposition.  and i have absolutely zero prospects for love.

all i want is someone to love me, but there is no one.  there has never been anyone.  i feel like i am swimming in a dark ocean and i’m searching for someone to be my life preserver.  every time i get close to someone, they float out of reach.  and i’m slowly sinking.  i can’t continue to struggle and i’m getting tired.  it is so hard to keep my head above water and i know that very, very soon, i will just give up and let myself drown.  and honestly, that sounds like the most wonderful option right now.  i’m so tired of fighting and struggling to survive.  i’m so tired of putting a pretend smile on my face every day.  i’m just ready to let it all go.  i’m ready to give up and stop everything.