I have battled with Suicidal thoughts/attempts since grade school. As I grew up I always thought it would get better….briefly it did ,but last 4 yrs it plagues me …its like a broken record you can not shut off…it goes on..and on….and on…no end in sight….. I have attempted suicide probably a dozen times…pills is actually my “go to” method…I tried slitting my wrist,but in the end im too much of a coward….Obviosuly i havent been successful…apparently I cant kill myself right either…. I havent actually attempted since April 2012 , 5 months after losing my daughter I attempted it was slitting which was more like a cry for help.. I now have many scars on my wrist were I have cut myself numerous occasions,but always hesitated……
I can give you my whole life story which for the most part is sad,but why bother at this time…we all have sad stories…. I take anti depressant,but it only mask the problem…the thoughts are still there… I dont know which one is worse actually being successul at suicide or the thoughts….
Then there is the anger problems I have…i get so angry I think if I knew I could get away with it, I leave some bodies in my path … Only reason and the ONLY reason why I am here is my kids…. I love my kids so much…..I may not be the greatest parent in the world, but I do anything to protect them even if it was for myself…they are the reason why I am still here trying to fight this war…and I feel really feel like I am in a war….If something were to happen to any of my kids I know that would be it for me…..
Im not so concerned about how others (like my husband) would feel if I killed myself, because quite frankly I think they all would bounce back pretty fast after my death. Not my kids though…who would take care of them? They would have to take care of each other…yes I know I brought up the husband, but my husband could not take care of the kids without me… and he knows this…
I just wish for once in my life I can be truly happy. Not always thinking suicide or bad things to other people. (even if some of those people kind of deserve it)
2 comments
It’s a struggle. Keep holding on. Life is full of surprises.
I think its beautiful how you’re staying for your children. I hope one day I can care about another life more than mine.And I’m sorry for the loss of your daughter, I really am. However, I think you should make a video diary. I know this sounds stupid but each day, sit in front of a camera and just talk about your day and how you feel. Let everything out and you don’t have to show anyone these videos. It’ll help a lot to get your emotions out.