So ever since I was 11 I frequently thought of suicide. By frequently, I mean a lot. I’ve attempted about twice and they just failed miserably. Luckily there is no physical damage left… but just mental ones.
The first reason of suicide was just how hateful the world was. I have an abusive father and I moved in with him in 7th grade (worst decision of my life). This drove me insane and to the brink of death. I had no friends at all (since I moved to Florida) and I only had one good thing happen to me there. I met a girl.. Lets call her “L”. Well, L was a BEAUTIFUL perfect girl and was a year older than me. She always acted like if she liked me, but no matter how much I wanted to believe it.. I KNEW she didn’t (I mean.. there’s NO WAY someone like her would fall for me!). I really just fell in love with her only for her looks and she of course ended up going out with a real man. This crushed me emotionally and just couldn’t stop thinking about it for months. Then from there I had fist fights with my dad. I never really won, but I never really lost either.
That was about 5 years ago. Now I moved to NJ (Barely passed Freshman year of high school, extreme suicidal actions in sophomore year, now I am a junior) and yet again have no friends AND fell in love with another girl (this time she is my age). This love with this girl is different though, I love her for everything she does. When I told someone who I liked (Lets call her “C”) they just said “Really dude? What the hell??” and I was just like “Yeah..”
Well C was different from any other girl in school and just had the same interests I did. I am a very shy guy so I really only talked to her online. I made any effort to make up some convo with her and she seemed like she really liked me. Only about 2 weeks ago she just ignored me for 3 straight days and I decided to give up on any and all girls in my school then. No girl really actually liked me at all throughout my life, and I am not exaggerating here it is the truth.
Only about a couple of days ago she just popped back into my mind after trying to get over her. I am confused on why she ignored me since SHE was the one who wanted to talk to me. Now I am depressed as hell and feel like crying everyday in school. I am like the biggest loser ever now.
Trying to get over her has only made me just think about my life and how I don’t really do anything at all. I have no friends to hang out with, I have no real enjoyment on anything. So why should I live if I don’t do anything at all. I mean I used to have this motivation to get over my depression on my life and try to make friends with everyone, but now I have no motivation to do anything. The only real active thing I do is cry everyday on the bullshit that goes on (Small arguments, The girl “C”, etc.).
I am confused right now I guess. I was crazy enough to already plan my suicide and what not. I mean I really am worthless right now due to the fact no one in my life actually ever wanted me to do anything. If I was to disappear right now.. I could say maybe 4 people that would be sad.
Sorry for this being long.. just I guess I wrote whats on my mind so far. I do nothing with my life and no one really wants me to do anything so you tell me.. whats even the worth of living anymore? I waited 5 years for it to get better.. but it just keeps getting worse.
If you are wondering.. the ONLY thing driving me to live right now is the hope of some friend maybe being close with me. Someone I could just talk to and hang out with. Or maybe even someone to like/love me for who I am. Too much to ask for? Yeah I thought so too.. and so far I am not even close no matter how hard I try, I keep getting crushed.
2 comments
Dear friend, I’m sorry for your painful struggle to seek out companionship. I remember crying one night listening to Billy Joel. The song Honesty is Such a Lonely Word really resonated with how I felt and still feel at times. Like you, I too am a loner. I can’t stand the party/club atmosphere. I fancy myself writing poetry, short stories, meditating in a quiet cemetery or forest. So friend, you can be your own best friend too. Who needs others when we’ve got ourselves right? Keep your chin up. Fill your heart with peace.
If you need somebody to talk to sometime I’m here. And don’t be a stranger shoot me an email sometime.
Love, Peace & Light
I read this and I thought I was writing it. I’ve had the same shit happen to me…and that’s all I’ve ever wanted…when it comes out of ur mouth it doesn’t sound like a tall order, but when it comes to actually making it come true, it’s the hardest thing in the world…I kno all too well what it’s like to be ignored by the only person u can see urself with…it’s stupid how the world works…I wish we just had that someone handed to us…it would make us all so happy. If it’s worth anything, I care…I really and truely do…if u ever want to talk, email me…I’m always here…right now I feel as tho I don’t have any friends either…So, I’m stuck in this rut of nothingness and worthlessness. I feel nothing as to my worth. I wish my parents had stopped trying to have kids when it had been 10 yrs…I wish I had never been born…now I’m stuck here…suicide attempts fail, and so do I.