For those of you who don’t know me, I’m a very strong and stable individual. Nothing I say here is meant to make you angry or sad or sympathetic. When I say the words “you” or “people” or “us”, I’m speaking in non specific generalizations in the characteristics and actions of others. Having said all that.. Please don’t give me advise. I’m more capable of forming rational ideologies and solving my own life problems than anyone can for me.
Fuck… Having to put a disclaimer really distracts me from what the topic was meant to be in the first place. …oh yes, that’s right…the title says it all!
So I finally got my raise in pay, but its useless because now my hours are being cut short. Needless to say, I feel like giving up. I feel like people are just laughing at me, like I’m just a joke. I have an opportunity to work with another company that claims they will take care of me but I can’t trust them, its very risky. But staying with the company I’m with now means not knowing when I will work next. The stress is fucked up.. It’s literally like I’m just being teased. But it’s a serious matter. Ill get back to that later.
So I have this second job I work in the evenings. You would think that having 2 incomes would make everything better, but in my case right now, it isn’t helping at all. Right now as I see it, with my combined money between the two jobs, I’m still $400 short of being able to pay my rent. It’s such a fucking mess. I’m just giving away everything I have, and I’m not getting anything back from this life. I’m in a hole, not a deep hole, but a hole that I can’t get out of anyways. Here ive been given another raise in pay and have a second job and I’m still not making it in life. This is what people mean when they say they “wish they were suicidal” cuz I fucking hate this life. It hurts so much. I’m still a failure no matter how hard I try. And in not talking about the cliche fraise “ive tried so hard”, when I say it, I mean I’m literally trying as hard as I can. I’m about to go mug some one if I can’t afford this fucking life. I don’t know what else to do. Nothing I’m doing is working. And I’m not some idiot lazy ass mooch sitting around making excuses… I’m a failure who doesn’t deserve this life, this burden. I’m getting fucking sick of everything and everyone I see.
I’m so sick of this shit that… That concludes this post
Fuck it
(Continued)
I’m trying to calm myself. I’m just so angry that I can’t afford to live still after all this time working and trying hard. After all this time I still haven’t saved a penny to my name. I can’t tell you how much I just want to give up on everything. I’ve been working so hard that I missed my moms birthday.
I need alcohol so bad right now, and a whole lot of cannabis. I don’t care if its 8am. I’m getting drunk. If I can’t afford rent, whats the difference if I buy a cheap bottle of booze.
11 comments
I hear you. :/ We’re in very different situations but I myself can’t deal with mine any longer. Ugh. There really are no easy solutions.
@people,you,we
i don’t know….how about trying a lottery.or go to vegas who knows…hehe
Don’t tale any shot from anyone. My employers stiffed me man. So I got up nice and early this morning, went down there and said where’s my money. In the end they paid me. If they didn’t, well there would have been a problem.
Harsh.
I had this huge sympathetic but totally exacerbating rant ready to post here, but… this is happening instead.
My own anger is near maximum today, but not even over any current events… mostly old shit still bothering me. Which i suppose means it’s not really “old shit,” since it’s still affecting me right this second. I really want to hurt the person at the source of that anger, and if i could do so right now, i absolutely would. Luckily, i’m broke and out of shape and don’t own firearms, so i don’t have to worry about actually harming anyone today. I’m trying so hard not to see red… but every time i blink, i see flames and a lake of fire. I feel heat. I feel infernal fury. I’m calmly raging through my day, as peacefully as possible. I want to hurt someone… but only if they deserve it, which isn’t anyone here. We’re all hurting more than enough around here. Which reminds me how i think it’s rather bizarre that we’ve all stumbled into a community which is based on the common-ground of feeling torment, misery, and psychological instability. It’s bound to be volatile and potentially unpleasant.
I hate how people always tried to influence me to be infinitely tolerant and passive… when really, the only way to get what you want in this life, and sometimes even only what you need, is to not tolerate too much BS, and be aggressive when it’s called-for. If you just tolerate everything and refuse to do anything about it, what is the most reasonably expected outcome from that practice? You get controlled by those willing to impose whatever upon others. You get disregarded, dismissed, discarded. You get treated like less than human. You get treated like you don’t matter at all… and it’s all because you’re accepting the affronts, and not posing any threat to anyone who imposes ill upon you.
Why is anyone taught to allow evil to be done? How is that “right?” Who would spread such ideals among a populous, and why?
The “meek” won’t inherit the earth. They’ll be used as fodder in a war, from which they stand to gain nothing but misery and death. They’ll be used as consumers of goods, which are offered as exchange for the allowed siphoning of wealth from populations, enticed and indoctrinated to remain docile and complacent… and most importantly: silently complicit, in engineering their/our own demise.
But there are penalties for even justified aggression, and consequences for resistance of unjust laws.
Everywhere we turn, there is another punishment, another revocation of human rights, another tax, another fee, another monopoly forcing a choice between “us or nothing.”
This world is not nearly as “civilized” as so much of it pretends to be.
We are lead to believe in ideals and subscribe to ideologies, as if somehow there is a destination, a reward, a promised land to be reached… but we are both the sheep, and the wolves in sheep’s clothing, being lead by wolves dressed as shepherds, who have the flock convinced to fear each other, rather than the motives of their leaders, while we all make way through the pastures to fatten us up on our way to the slaughterhouse.
If you want to survive outside “the system,” you have to fight like the people who managed to survive before modern technology existed. It’s a hard life with lots of pain and stress and little reward… which is why so many of our recent ancestors so eagerly hopped on this Hell Train, when the conductor announced: “All ABOARD!”
Lots of people realize it sucks… but how many are willing to jump off a moving train? If the end result is the same, and there’s no guarantee of survival in the wild… maybe it’s better to sit on a train awaiting doom, than to fight for even less, and die in pain, of exposure, in the wilderness.
But backing down from that leap of faith is a real pride killer.
Heh. Pride. That’s another one of those things we’re taught is wrong, which is actually highly beneficial, arguably completely necessary, for survival and success. It’s hard to be content with mere “comfort,” without the pride of knowing you fought for something and won.
I wish i could come in here and drop an answer so directly as: “if you need more money now, and on a regular basis, do this: [____].”
But if i knew that, i wouldn’t even be here. I might not even know this place exists. If i had the means to craft and deploy solutions, quitting would not even cross my mind.
Maybe some of us should get together and form some kind of official group specifically for enabling both others, and ourselves, to solve problems, when the need for solutions arises. There are plenty of critical problems out there needing solutions… but i just don’t know how to solve most of them without resources i can’t gain. Maybe “giving people the tools to help themselves” can be monetized, somehow, without preventing those who need the tools from being able to access them. Seems complicated though. I bet it’s more likely that people would choose to just let their friends and loved one’s die, and then be sad and complain about it, rather than actually putting any actions into real solutions.
Shit i guess that turned into a rant anyway. Oh well.
@Duke- I’m so sorry they did that to you man. Fucking cunts!! I hope you have another opportunity waiting soon.
That’s what it feels like they are doing to me, giving me a raise and then not giving me work. Ill be off till Tuesday, and I’m already hurting for cash.
Technically I’m not doing too bad for a guy with a day off. I’ve already managed to accumulate over $100 before noon, scrapping metals and recyclables and I got lucky on a scratcher that paid for itself and my drinks, with a little left over. So, I’m not letting this stop me from making money. Ill do whatever it takes.
I have to say, it feels great to have money. Who needs work, virtues or valuables in life when you can purchase the objects to be whoever you want to be. I’m serious. With money I can distract myself enough to forget what intimacy means. I can dismiss everyone else as wrong because I got the money to make reality what I want it to appear to be! Hmm, sounds like a con. Ah well, back to the good things in life. Like entertainment. And credit-fueled hedonism at the expense of everyone else. Easy come, easy go, just another useful idiot.
When i speak of money solving problems, i’m more commonly referring to the ability to purchase all the right foods and relieve stress from having bills due, and just generally being able to take better care of oneself. Entertainment is nice, but reducing stress and having a surplus of liquid assets to preserve livelihood is far more… valuable?
But yeah. Lots of people get trapped in the scenario where entertainment and such end up replacing important things, because so much of life sucks so much that perpetual distraction seems very important. As soon as we stop distracting and start paying attention, and start “over-thinking” everything, we suddenly realize that everything is quite fucked, and it’s difficult to even communicate any of the problems to anyone, let alone actually solve any of them.
I’ve never been one to believe that “money” (or by extension, any of what it can directly purchase) can ever sufficiently replace intimacy. But it sure can ease the void… to an extent.
But there aren’t enough sustainable income sources that can actually provide enough for a “decent” life for enough people. There is plenty of wealth, but too few of the wealthy are paying too little to too few of those who are fully willing and able to work to earn a “living” wage.
Employers shouldn’t be trying to dictate what “living wage” means. They know, just like anyone else, shit is already too expensive, and keeps getting more expensive as the value of the dollar drops, and so while you want us to think a certain amount seems fair, it really isn’t, regardless of how you feel that affects your margins.
But then if the business can’t profit, there are no more jobs.
So idk. If people don’t have money to buy things, and businesses can’t make enough profit to pay everyone to work, and then no one’s paying taxes because the whole country (1% notwithstanding) is broke…
Does that mean it’s about to be Mad Max time?
Hah I know man, I’m “bipolar” remember. Extremities, I guess. Though I do have legitimate anger towards the system and I don’t conflate my “mental illness” with anger, although many in my life like to try to neutralize the motive force behind my reasoning and concerns of the consequences of adding 2 and 2 and expecting 6… I know you get it for sure, but I feel like it’s necessary to point out that overconfidence may just be one of our biggest problems. We’ve grown complacent and inept to changing environments. Regardless of philosophical views, our relationship with reality is conferred by our senses. Yet in a world of cheap tricks and “hold my beer” antics, sensitivity is ridiculed. “Survival of the fittest” becomes a hilariously romanticized (but ultimately impotent) display of peacocking and chest-banging. There is a place for everyone in this world. What we actually need is bi-polarity. We have an abundance of irresponsibility, therefore we need to swing the other way and take more responsibility for ourselves. Hate will get us nowhere because in a system designed to payout leverage in exchange for volume, every participant is complicit and unable to change it individually. If we were truly humane and empathetic we would concern ourselves with co-operation and problem-solving. And the problem of any habitat is carrying capacity. At some point we have to realize that this planet contains or facilitates only a finite amount of energy and if we want to keep striving we are going to have to plan to go elsewhere. Thats how I see it, at least. I don’t claim to have answers but I am realizing that if i am here I am either going forward or backward. And the world I want to have a hand in creating will be characterized by strength and responsibility.
Mad Max, I doubt and do not want to happen. First, there are enough people dependent on the state that when the first stone drops they will request the same benefits they’ve been receiving at the cost of a different set of organizational arrangements, ie less freedom. Until enough people act toward an alternative but suitable lifestyle nothing will change. Also, the fear pumped and pomped by the “preppers” is not helping anyone. What many don;t understand is that we CAN’T go back to being localized, not for long. We are here in 2013 with a problem that is unique to our time and situation and we cannot fall back on historical resolutions. We have nuclear sites all over the world for crying out loud that are absolutely dependent on constant energy inputs. If they go we are finished. Fear is the destructive emotion that drives people to drop to the ground instead of effectively facing their circumstances. Its what mad men possess, and what the malevolent wield. There are other ways, we just need to drop the pretense (overconfidence). Anyway, i must sound like a lunatic. I’ve gotta run so thats all i got.
Overconfidence is what sells shitty mass-produced products to ignorant believer consumers. It is absolutely critical that people “believe harder” and buy into the latest whatever, and would be utterly catastrophic if everyone suddenly thought like we do. Sure, it would be a huge leap in the right direction… but the currently established system would immediately implode, taking nearly the entire infrastructure with it. No one wants to struggle through a transition like that, even if utopia was visible on the other side of it. People fear (!) a temporary struggle to get what’s worth fighting for.
lol@ “hold my beer” antics.
Honestly though, our meddling with evolution via misguided and incidental eugenics, as well as our selective… um… only certain types of employment are available to certain people, MOST of whom are not adequately trained, also most of whom cannot have any kind of reasonable living standard on currently politically acceptable, but personally unacceptable “living wages.” It just doesn’t work. Shit costs too much, people destroy their own bodies in the process of trying work at fucking walmart or mcdonald’s, and have zero savings due to way too high rent, electric, and blatant entertainment addiction due to life sucking so much… and then they really don’t have a place where our current established system would find them useful or even adequate.
Perhaps this never occurs to anyone, but: do any of you realize just how goddamn much competition there is, just for a minimum wage job, that isn’t even enough for a healthy person to afford to sustain their own health?
And then there’s the problem of: why the fuck would i want to work for a company that supports practices which help contribute to the problem that things costs too much and everyone is underpaid? Why would i want to support a company that is figuratively raping our society up and down, left and right, day after day, year after decade… and for insufficient wages, and increased physical deterioration, no less!?
But yeah. You’re pretty much right on the money. And the preppers vs nuke plants thing made me think of our system like software that has been non-trivially upgraded with a new version, wherein rollback is no longer possible. We’re stuck with “modern,” any way you slice it. We couldn’t even “go back to the wild” if we really wanted to. Being stuck with this total shenanigans as a wage slave with no way out and no way to wake up enough people to affect change… that’s what’s terrifying to me.
Oh, and… how do you think there would be /less/ freedom when shit goes down… if there’s no money to pay police to police? Unless of course you’re implying that police become organized crime and impose mafia style “protection tax” on everyone.
But no… we haven’t had “freedom” in quite a long time. We have it intrinsically, in that we can simply decide whatever we so choose, regardless of any potential consequences… but there are consequences, rules made for things that should never have been allowed to become illegal in the first place, proving that not only is our entire legislative and judicial system critically flawed, but has been so for a very long time… and really shows the opposite of anything i would call “hope” for being sufficiently corrected.
It’s all just so stupid, and stays that way throughout lifetimes, consumes multiple generations of people’s lives with bullshit… and then they die… and it’s all just so arbitrary… and all this suffering imposed upon me by irrational choices made by others, doesn’t seem to matter or mean anything to anyone else.
Interesting times, indeed… though i find myself less and less interested with each passing day. At this point, i honestly can’t give a single fuck about what this world will be in 20+ years, because i won’t be here, and i won’t have any offspring to worry about. The best i can do “to have a hand in creating,” is to let the fuckers fuck it up in whatever way they will, because there ain’t shit i can do about it, except try to stay out of the way and not get caught up in the undertow.
I used to have real ideas and plans for how i wanted to at least try to change the world for the better…
But then:
>>>—knee—>>
@clevername- I’m sorry bro.. I didn’t see that comment in the spam. I had to approve it 4 times before it would show up. Weird!
“Why is anyone taught to allow evil to be done? How is that “right?†Who would spread such ideals among a populous, and why?”- that’s survival my friend. Any questions like that can be chalked up to the survival instinct. Every man for himself.
Yeah it doesn’t get any easier than this for the “common man”, when you think about it.
We can only be thankful that we don’t live in Africa …..oops..sorry joinel! 😉
@RT:
It’s cool, it happens.
With that quote i was referencing the indoctrination agenda, and pointing toward the reasoning and motivation behind it. People are taught docility so they will be less likely to intervene when wrongdoing occurs. It’s not so much everyman for himself, as it is everyman for the purpose of elevating the elites who attain the position of population control, in which deception plays a crucial role. If you can confuse or scare a whole lot of people into doing something that benefits you, wouldn’t you want them to be likely to go along with the herd, doubting that they should ever attempt to intervene?
But yeah. We can only be thankful it’s not worse. That’s called negative reinforcement. “Do as i command or i shalt smite thee!”