I’ve started drinking. Yeah, not the best thing. My whole life was ruined by alcohol. If my father never drank, we’d still be a family. I wouldn’t be depressed. I’d still have my brother and life would be good and normal.
I don’t know why. I truly don’t. Nothing about drowning my troubles, I don’t think. I’ve always done that by cutting and burning. Something feels different this time. I don’t know what it is. I’ve probably just been listening to too much depressing music. I have no idea. This sudden impulse to drink every night; not even to binge, just to drink. I guess its easier to be completely and utterly depressed then just a little bit sad all the time. No, I probably haven’t phrased it properly; but that’s the only way it makes sense.
Made a few friends. It’s easier to drink alone though. Everybody expects you to binge around others. No, I didn’t start after I met people, way before. A lot has happened in a small space of time. Everyone tells you not to drink. Not to cut. Not to burn. Not to be so sad. How? Did anyone ever bother to ask if you knew how to be happy or how to not cut, burn or drink? No. They never did. Does that mean its still all my fault? My fault. Something that I do know. I know how to make everything my own fault. That part’s easy. When people say it isn’t your fault, its somehow harder to cope. It isn’t your fault. Then who’s? Nobody’s.
I don’t think I’ll live a great life in the small space I have. I think I might turn into a druggy. I don’t want to, but I started drinking at fourteen, now didn’t I? I don’t even know what the difference is between having a drink and being drunk. Is drunk when everything seems like its the end? If that’s drunk, then I’m drunk right now. I was drunk yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that. I’ve been drunk for years.
3 comments
Drinking is probably not as bad as developing a crack addiction and worshipping Satan.
If you’re going to develop an addiction, have you considered trying exercise, broccoli or oxygen? Those seem like pretty benign addictions.
Nice post. Literary stuff.
I doubt that it’s all your fault.
As far as I understand, you’re choosing to drink every night in order to become miserable enough to tick the box “miserable”. Rather than just being semi-miserable, which is harder to deal with.
But you don’t HAVE to drink every night. Or become a druggie. Those are still choices.
You could choose to just be pretty sad, but lucid. Not that that is fantastic or enviable, but it might increase your odds of improving your life.
You probably weren’t looking for feedback, just sharing your thoughts. Anyway.
For me, drinking always takes a little edge off the depression. It numbs my brain a little bit, allows me to stop thinking so much. I can cry, then pass out. It helps me sleep when sleep is really needed, you know? You may not be in the same boat, but that’s my insight.