come on guys,i don’t think it is fair to waste so much money on spacecrafts.their are lot’s of indians with poverty.is this fair for them?
The ethiopian government says.it build it’s own drone.and now it is thinking about launching a satellite.they are working on it with china.i mean is this fair to launch a satellite where most of your citizens are poor.i don’t think so.but india will be a great power of the world,that is for sure.
Hehe. Well, it’s a big undertaking. I hope the mission will be successful and the craft will reach Mars in September 2014 as planned… Hm… another reason to keep living – see what happens with that (and NASA is sending one of their own in a couple weeks, too).
Actually in 2023, this Dutch organization is planning to ship a one-way crew (winners of a reality-show contest) to Mars to work and perform experiments. I might have signed up for this if I’d known about it in time. The perfect career for the suicidal, right? When you don’t really want to die, but you want to get the hell off this planet. I’ve felt that way before. On the downside, you’d be in close quarters with folks who’d be bound to get on your nerves, and there probably wouldn’t be internet, so the planet-life could easily become extremely dull. *sigh* There’s just no winning.
thanks. i heard about that program too and was thinking of signing up. although i have doubts about its success, since its even before NASA’s planning of manned mission on mars. in school time i was very enthusiastic about astronomy and space stuff, and becoming an astronaut, or atleast be working in some form for space research was one of my dreams. i applied for an institute that’s very closely connected to ISRO (Indian space research org.) and graduating from it almost confirms one’s job in isro, and even got quite good score, but unfortunately couldn’t make it. but its good that i didn’t make it seeing my state now. i now realize that i was actually enthusiastic about simply knowing “truth” (of which we discussed), no matter in whatever form i get it. and later i came see it more in existential terms than simply knowing from brain. so, you know, its good i didn’t make it.
but i have lost much of my interest in these things now and so didn’t sign up.
@joinel no, china will be. our system is quite corrupt and hollow from inside, no matter how fast economic growth rate we show. well that’s just a personal thought, i don’t know much about economy actually.
china’s government is way corrupt than india’s.so i don’t think chinese citizens can live more comfortable life than indian’s.and don’t forget india has bollywood which will make a huge impact on advertising the country.as africa and asia economy is growing fast,and they are mostly bollywood fan’s.india will have a great chance to control the people.and indian’s won’t have a problem to communicate with this peoples too.because india has all type of skin colors.you can see all type of people’s in india.the other thing that will contribute to india compared to china,is it’s democracy.but this is only my observation.
@quaero Huh. I’ve thought about it before, but due to my health I don’t think I’d even be accepted as an astronaut. One has to be in tip-top condition. Plus, I’d feel claustrophobic living in a space station, no doubt.
It’s too bad you didn’t make it into the program. I doubt I would have either. I’m probably not smart enough for this sort of thing. 😐 But working in some field related to space (even if not being an astronaut), would still be fascinating. At least it’s a scientific study – you’re learning more about the universe, so it IS a form of truth in that way, is it not? I always wanted to be a scientist and make discoveries that would benefit humanity on a grand scale. I suppose it’s not too late to go back to school, but again, I’m probably not so cut-out for this type of profession. In school, it’s the memorization that screws me; I’m dreadful at remembering all the odds and ends for exams. Oh well.
@joinel these are some really interesting ideas. i never thought in these terms. as for democracy, i think its more of an impediment, yet its still plus point for india since world views democracy as good thing.
@persephone no no i’m misinterpreted. i wholeheartedly believe astronomy is a form of truth. and that’s exactly why i wanted to go in it. a perfect theory of origin of universe is going to answer all questions, i’m sure of that. but its a far-away thing. i am no genius to be able to discover that. so because of my impatience i chose relatively easier way – existentialism (although only i know it was neither choice nor mine). although i still keep thinking about the universe from time to time.
you can still be a scientist. Einstein made all his initial theories working as clerk. and, instead of what popular belief is, he hardly used any complicated mathematics. it was all just theory! or you may do wild experiments in your backyard. who knows you may discover something new. there are still many undiscovered things in the world.
@quaero
Ah, right. Hehe. “If you can’t be a scientist you can always be a philosopher.” That’s a good motto. I’m probably neither of those, but perhaps like you say I might yet have a chance to shine in the world of science. Hmm. I’ll keep my eyes open for opportunities.
So are you planning to teach philosophy, or is it merely a personal pursuit of yours?
I posted this because i’ve been feeling like an island… or that i’m stranded on an island… and because i’ve always liked this song.
I like the pace, the feel and the imagery, but perhaps more importantly, identify with the idea of feeling alone, stranded, filled with “more loneliness than any man can bear…”
So, all alone, trying not to lose his last shred of hope, he sends an “S.O.S.,” hoping someone will rescue him, “before i fall into despair.”
So he tosses his message-in-a-bottle into the ocean, hoping to reach someone who can help…
He waits a very long time (“a year has passed since i wrote my note…”)…
And instead of rescue, instead of hope, after a whole year of waiting and hoping, he finds “100 million bottles, washed up on the shore.”
Instead of rescue, or even just a sliver of hope… he finds that there are countless others out there, who feel just as hopelessly alone, isolated, stranded on their respective islands, on the verge of collapse, under the weight of ever-growing despair.
“Seems i’m not alone in bein’ alone…”
Bleak irony.
The song trails off with “sending out an S.O.S….” repeating.
This song is basically an allegory for how i’ve come to SP.
My message in a bottle, my S.O.S., was the search string i used to find this place.
Instead of the hope i was desperate to find, i received 100 million bottles, washed up on my shore. In my quest to solve the isolation i feel, in my efforts to reach out for some sort of hope or connection… i have instead found that countless others are also suffering this same type of hopelessness, this same type of desperation and despair, this same type of isolation.
“Seems i’m not alone in being alone.”
But knowing so many other castaways are as lost and desperate as i, doesn’t help me feel any less alone; doesn’t help me feel any better about the world, or my own life. On some level, in some way, it only makes the problem feel worse, because i know it’s not just me. If it was just me, or just a few of us, the world could probably make a few exceptions and help us out. But there are so many of us… we are too many to help, and it shows that the problem is systemic. The systemic problem is created by the system, by the way the system works. It’s not going to help us. It made us this way, because of how that system does things… and when i look around, i don’t see very many people eager or even willing to make radical changes to how they live their lives, even if it would mean making lots of other people’s lives much better, while barely impacting themselves at all.
At the end of the song, as they trail off repeating “sending out an S.O.S….”
It’s as if he’s snapped, gone mad, repeating the only action that hypothetically could make contact with help… but “i should have known this right from the start,” that help isn’t coming. No one who can/will help, will ever receive the S.O.S. It’s an exercise in hopeless futility, because there is no other option but to give up. He doesn’t want this to be the way things are, he doesn’t want to give up… but the only thing he can do, will not produce the desired effect. He’s going to spend the rest of his life alone, isolated, lost in despair, reaching for help that doesn’t exist, even though he believes it will never come.
S.O.S….
S.O.S….
S.O.S….
I keep sending out my messages in bottles, only hoping someone will receive them, even though i know it won’t do me any good. I mean… what else am i gonna do? What else is there? (note: these are rhetorical questions)
I just thought it would be an appropriate and meaningful thing to share with you all. I figure those most capable and likely to appreciate my messages in bottles, are those who have written their own.
Oh, the irony of sending out distress signals, only to receive an exponentially greater number of similar distress signals in return.
Castaways have been known to get rescued. The survivors from the shipwrecked S.S. Minnow eventually left Gilligan’s Island. Plus, that Tom Hanks movie where he had a volleyball named Wilson. (Can’t remember the name of the flick).
Anyway, my point is that history clearly demonstrates that castaways are sometimes rescued.
I just commented the other day about how so much of what’s wrong with this world is due to people being so easily mislead by fantasies, movies and TV shows.
This isn’t “Castaway” or “Gilligan’s Island.”
This is “message in a bottle,” where no one is trying to save us, and all our distress signals accomplish is prompting others to send us their own distress signals. Meanwhile, the only thing some of us have to hope for is continued sharing of our loneliness. There is no search party, there is no rescue. If there were, there wouldn’t be 100 million bottles washed up on my shore.
Another one of the interesting and fitting aspects of sending an S.O.S., in a message in a bottle, is that it takes way too long for anyone to ‘get it.’
i keep sending out my S.O.S…. but no one’s ‘getting it.’ Or very few are. And all i’m getting back is an exponentially greater number of similar distress signals, letting me know just how many people there are out there hoping for a rescue that will most likely never occur.
“So much of what’s wrong with this world is due to people being misled by fantasies, movies and TV shows”.
You forgot to mention songs. Unless of course “Message in a Bottle” was based on an historical event.
I support your right to be pessimistic and/or gloomy. Who knows, maybe you were just being ironic in suggesting a song can be a metaphor for life, while rejecting other equally fictitious art forms because they don’t correspond with the hopeless perspective you wished to project.
Hmm. “Irony” isn’t the right word.
I don’t think you’ve interpreted this from the ‘correct’ premise; your wording shows your interpretation to be from the angle of unfounded belief that i have any intention of ‘projecting a perspective.’
I’m not “projecting a perspective,” i’m enlisting a song i’ve known most of my life, to help me describe to others how i’ve been feeling, and placing special emphasis on how *my interpretation (whether or not i believe it is accurate, which i do) correlates to my own perspective and experiences. I realize not everyone is me, and not everyone faces struggles similar to my own.
I’m pretty sure “message in a bottle” was based on Sting’s actual life experiences. They probably embellished for the sake of record sales and top-40 rankings, but i doubt i can prove that (unless they’ve admitted such in some credible publication).
Seeing reality for what it is, and then noticing that a song, released the year before i was born, somehow not-quite-abstractly relates to some of my own actual experiences, isn’t the same thing as “being pessimistic.”
Something i thought about:
If “a year has passed since i wrote my note…”
“woke up (walked out?) this morning, can’t (don’t?) believe what i saw…”
So he tossed a bottle in the ocean and received numerous return-bottles a year later. For 6 months, no one has seen his message… for another 6 months, he has no idea anyone has seen or replied to his message. (unless they received them quickly, but then waited a long ass time to reply, for whatever reason)
It’s funny, more-privileged people always seem to love to accuse me of “being negative.” They apparently prefer to assume that i’m “choosing to make it /see it this way,” rather than simply stating what i observe. I would be inclined to counter-accuse you of “being overly-positive,” but maybe you’re just lucky, and are actually observing positivity and hopeful indications in your environment. Or maybe you’ve been programmed by too much “Gilligan’s Island.”
You’re right, though: i did neglect “songs,” from that short and non-exhaustive list, because i was thankfully not thinking of Bieber (or any of the other fantastically encouraging crap i’ve heard)… until you reminded me of all the terribad “music” out there. I suppose i tend to ignore that stuff because it’s just too sickeningly, maddeningly painful.
One thing i neglected to mention about the song above: upon listening to it, i realized what quality i must prioritize, if i am to continue searching for companionship; i need someone who is alone. The problem with that is: almost no one is actually as alone as they either actually believe, or dramatically make themselves out to be; but i am. And so i need someone who is actually alone; not just chooses to define themselves as such, despite a plethora of viable but imperfect options.
Have any of you ever actually used a dating site? To suggest that i should even attempt to use one, is almost offensively comical. Like, i’m inclined to be offended, but it’s just too funny. There is no place for me in that realm of impossibly selective, blatantly superficial, incredibly prejudiced “people.” Plus, despite “the feminism movement,” everyone knows no female is going after a guy without sufficient earning potential (or any, in my case)… unless he has the most of that other thing the vast majority of females want. I’m weak in both areas, and will not be able to sufficiently compensate for either weakness, and especially not both.
I am on an island, tossing bottles no one cares about, into an ocean i cannot traverse. I know there is no hope, but i’m human and can’t help being desperately deluded sometimes, when the despair overwhelms me.
I could pretend to be a heroic anti-natalist, and “project” a sort of pride about doing what my parents should have done: not reproduce… or i could admit that my lack of reproduction, or even companionship, is actually because no one in her right mind would ever give me such an opportunity. One of those things is “more positive,” while the other is more true. “Being positive” in this case, only works to obfuscate the real issue, and prevent the problem from being solved. But paradoxically, being honest has come to mean that i’m “being negative,” according to apparently most people; or at least most of those with whom i’ve ever interacted. I don’t want to be positive unless i’m also being honest. I don’t want to pretend i’m enjoying my life, if i’m really not; that justifies complacency, and hides the need for solutions. But since those solutions apparently don’t exist, or aren’t allowed, then i guess that means i’m honestly being negative, because i’m intentionally exposing an impossible problem, instead of doing what everyone else does, what everyone else wants, expects, insists that i do. I refuse to go along to get along, because going along with what makes it impossible for me to get along, isn’t the right thing to do; for me.
There is no choice. I can either do what doesn’t work, or i can do nothing.
I can suffer false hope that i know is artificial, awaiting what will inevitably never arrive…
Or i can invite the inevitable. The end is the same, and the only real difference i can make is to choose to suffer less, rather than as much and as long as i possibly can, until that same inevitable arrives anyway.
Sometimes i wonder what cruel tricks fate still has up its sleeve. Maybe i will get a glimmer of hope that seems reasonable, and then something “random” will suddenly kill me. Or maybe i will live in fear of random events, because i never got to live, and have been taught by life itself, to always expect too many complications for me to successfully deal with.
My future seems short, and will most likely be filled with constantly overworking my brain, thinking as many thoughts as deeply as possible, but never actually accomplishing anything relevant.
In that song, he says “rescue me before i fall into despair…”
Hmh. I still vaguely remember what it was like, who i was, how things were, before i fell into despair. By now, it’s like i’m tossing bottles just because it’s a thing to do. Sending out an S.O.S. that only other helpless, hopeless folk, will ever notice… which will be lost in the noise of the distress signals of countless others.
“I should have known this right from the start…”
Asking for help only ever seems to result in people telling me that others need help too… or that others have it worse… or that i should somehow feel guilty for needing help, and for asking for it. Even though lots of people say that you should ask if you need help. Maybe that’s not for the purpose of administering help to those in need, but instead, to make it easier to identify those who aren’t fit for integration or reproduction, so they can be cast away, ostracized, left to perish in decay.
I cannot survive. I should not be alive. I should not have been born. But i get to pay for my parents’ mistakes, by suffering an unbearable life, until i die. IMO, method of death doesn’t matter at all, aside from the amount and degree of suffering in question. Natural or chosen, either way, i have to face the pain of death after having a life involuntarily filled with difficulty and misery, without ever actually having lived.
My S.O.S. isn’t even about hope of salvation anymore. It’s a sort of mechanical thing that just happens from despair. I’m just putting my thoughts into words, into bottles, and tossing them in the ocean, while my ruined life and deteriorating body succumb to decay.
So i wrote a whole lot again, and maybe some people will read it, and maybe someone will claim to care, and maybe some will mean it. But i can’t figure out how that matters. Or maybe someone will decide that argumentation is the best avenue of response, and attempt to tell me how wrong i am about everything… from their own perspective… even though my life most likely doesn’t match their experiences.
yeah. love seeing the 80s songs here. im not even gonna attempt a reply, i agree. in fact, i cant come to SP too much, it depresses me worse, it saddens me, to the heart, reading the stories, the suffering. its wrong and it disgusts me that so many suffer needlessly while others have it so good. where the balance?
I get you clevername. I get that your SOS set out in the ocean is received and responded to by another person sending their own SOS all while you’re gazing at the thousands of other messages lapping at your feet. my question now is what do we do? we clearly don’t want to kill ourselves. we’re just in emotional pain. how do we who are seeking help to live do it knowing that countless others all over the world are also searching too. I wish I could be like mother Teresa lovingly in poverty and helping children all day everyday. I don’t want to earn a living. I want to live with my heart and soul. helping people who have their whole lives ahead of them when I can still make a difference in the life of an orphan. but that’s just me being scared of earning a living and looking for a way out. I too scared of people to teach and interact with kids. I just wanted to say I heard your SOS and I hope you heard mime and just maybe two depressed misanthropic people can help each my listening over the internet.
oh brother..
i don’t know what to say. you coldly writing all this itself shows its truth. i am trying to imagine and visualize your state but can only vaguely, poetically, not actually. one thing is you never gave the whole picture, you only throw a few bits here, few pieces there. maybe you like creating a sense of mystery. we say you have a chance and you deny, but don’t explain how. i read one of your post in which you wrote so much and said it was just scratching the surface, but still you can give a summarized overview mainly consisting of material details.
you have gone too high, that’s why you are alone. we all are struggling with our own capacities and limitations but we see it as we have not done enough so we suffer, that something is still undone. atleast i do so. but you seem to have gone above this psychological pressure. i don’t know how you feel. i don’t know how its like to be free and still bounded by circumstances. i do have experienced some temporary free states of mind, but to me they look like they are complete unto themselves, that one don’t need anything else once one has them. i don’t know in what way you want to be helped. you don’t even want happiness. then what do you want? peace? will you get that only when society changes? that’s an impossible, and thus paradoxical, want. are you sure you cannot do anything from your side?
you said you want to live life. but how can you do that, you have gone too high. there is no synchronicity between you and them. and normal life is all about interaction with others, for man is a social animal; that’s into our evolution, how can you change that? you must learn to enjoy yourself with yourself, enjoying being alone, enjoying your spirit.
but then you said you need money for that. then why don’t you get that, seeing your intelligence? why don’t you just somehow manipulate system to get things done easily since you know it so well? that’s where i think you are stuck (internally). its somewhat the same paradox faced by Buddha. when he got many followers he was faced with problem of feeding them. he realized he ‘has to’ take something from world. and he didn’t hesitate from begging (a way to manipulate people unjustly). now one can keep arguing about it, and its probably the best argument put by society against loners, but if you want to call, then call it a necessary evil. you must do it. its same like you said about accidents – you may have done however in your life and an accident can take it all away in a moment. just like that you cannot get away with manipulating world, some things are out of our control even if they are about ourselves and require our choice (i see accident example is not fitting here:P). and anyways who doesn’t do that; everybody is manipulating everybody else, you just got to realize it.
forgive me if i’m wrong in understanding your situation, i’m only imagining things. but you are to be blamed since you never gave us whole picture.
@persephone it will be more right to say that i am a personal pursuit of its!
i sometimes think about making a career in this field too. but my hatred for others won’t allow me to do that. how? read my post: With them everything falls (self-promotion).
Clevername – I understand where you’re coming from, honestly. You feel like you’re going in circles. I too find it difficult to work because of health issues and so on. However, because I don’t want to live out the end of my days doing nothing, I am working at a minimum wage job until I have enough to move. Perhaps you could try the same? After enough time you’ll have a decent amount, you can take that and rent a low-cost apartment somewhere in another state. At least you’d be out of that hellhole and on your own. From here you could work your way up, try to start your own business or something. Small steps. The most important thing right now is for you to leave this environment that only succeeds in bringing you down. (It’s the same for me in that respect.) Rather than worry that you’ll never get anywhere, you could try getting SOMEWHERE. Then you’ll be in a better state of mind, and you’ll probably be able to start earning more wages, and then you can begin to feel confident about pursuing someone. There must be a weed-loving, philosophical, honest, yet warm and caring woman out there who’d be perfect for you. Perhaps she can’t find anyone either, you know?
I’m not trying to be unreasonably optimistic; no, I believe that all of this is indeed possible to enact. Have you considered working at a call center? These jobs would not be physically difficult (you’re just giving advice to people on the phone), and you sometimes get bonuses and other benefits. (I’m going to try applying to a few myself.) Think of it as saving yourself. You might not enjoy the work, but after enough time, you’ll be able to leave your current area and start a new life, where you will be more likely to discover worthwhile opportunities.
My plan last year was to get a small apartment somewhere and if things didn’t improve for me, I’d kill myself then. At least this way nobody I knew would find the body, and I’d have the chance to write a will to ensure I’d be cremated and have my ashes scattered into the ocean.
I mean, there’s no harm in trying to go live on your own and taking it from there.
Some of you… many of you… still take for granted, your capability to make a worthwhile and potentially gainful effort.
You might want to think that everyone can try, and while that’s technically correct, not everyone can try in a way that can actually have desired results; some can only try in ways that cannot have the results which provide the basis for the motive to attempt.
As for employment… transportation, punctuality, and various other both personal and home-related issues, will prevent me from being able to retain employment for any significant duration. And that’s assuming i could even get hired anywhere, which would almost certainly require lies and a non-sustainable facade. I might be able to hang on for a few months at most, but at minimum wage, or even a little more, that’s just not enough to do enough to actually change anything. And that’s a whole lot of wasted pain and suffering, to not result in being able to make important changes. Minimum wage is below my requirements, but i am below the requirements to reliably earn even that. That is part of the root of when i say “i cannot do what i need to do.” And because i cannot achieve or acquire, and especially not sustain, what i need… i go without needs, and my deterioration only accelerates, making me less and less viable as more time passes.
But now to contradict myself: i AM trying. But i find there are too many things wrong, mostly interconnected, and sometimes it seems like the only reason i can’t fix the problems, is because they exist together, and cannot be separated. If i was unaffected by these problems, they would be easy to solve. Due to the effects of the problems, i can’t solve them. I know i need to break out of the paradox, and i know that requires just starting somewhere and adjusting as i go… but i can’t access or execute what would enable that.
I am trying. But so often, too often, i feel like i can’t even try. I feel like i’ve lost my ability to try, or that it’s damaged and shorting out, and only sporadically functions, and then isn’t reliable at all, and can suddenly become disabled or dysfunctional, so that i can’t even use it.
That’s the one thing that ever made me think “don’t know what you got, ’til it’s gone…” was ever accurate. I’ve always known and appreciated what i had, when i had it… but i never thought i could lose the ability to even try (in meaningful and potentially successful ways; or even at all, sometimes…).
And i don’t expect most people to understand that at all. Most people do indeed have that ability, especially the younger ones, who haven’t yet been thoroughly ravaged by despair for as long and as deeply as i have.
So, protip: you can actually lose your ability to try. Embrace it and exploit the hell out of it, while you can, while you have it, and know that it can be lost. Know you have it, before it’s gone; use it or lose it. You might lose it anyway, someday, without your consent. It can actually be taken from you in various ways, by various means.
Silvestre de Souza just brought up a four timer at Kempton when Pretend ran out an easy winner of the 6:00 pm. The giant horse dwarfed the others in the parade ring and so it proved to be on the track. Breaking smartly, Pretend was sent straight to the lead and never saw another rival. Entering the straight he drew further and further clear winning by around 10 lengths. If Urban Dance can win the next that’ll be 5 for SDS and 4 for Godolphin in the first 5 races.
You know what might make horse racing even more exciting? A few seconds after the gates open and the horses start running, release a hungry lion onto the track. Let the lion chase after the horses but give the horses a five second head start. I suspect this would motivate the horses to run faster.
If there are kids in the audience maybe the lion could be trained to just take a bite out of the losing horse instead of killing it.
Hmm. You could substitute the lion for a pack of wolves, but I think a lion would be more of a crowd favorite.
I can’t claim to be “good at graphic design,” but i do tend to have an eye for aesthetics, and an ear for music. I also find myself drawn to and very interested in “UX,” aka: user interface design. I have what i would call intermediate understanding of html/css, but it’s been quite a while since i’ve messed with any of it.
I’ve thought about setting up a sort of freelance consulting thing, wherein i would pitch my services as a troubleshooter and UX/functionality tester, to various companies whose websites i’ve found to be lacking or frustrating in whatever way (a recent example of this is newegg’s recent removal of their “advanced search” tab… now requiring more clicks and mouse movements, some of which are “below the fold,” meaning have to scroll and then find buttons and click more times, to narrow my search… and even their search functionality has changed in a way i find annoying; i doubt i’m the only one to notice).
But it just seems like something no one would want to pay another freelance person to care about. I’m sure places like that have regular hacker employees, and others on retainer, for just these types of things. If they didn’t, the previously more favorable setup would not have been changed in the first place.
In the web-design realm, it’s much like any other area of interest, for me: i lack official credentials, and am not inclined to do things the (imo wrong) way most others do things, which is what most companies are expecting.
I was also telling my sister just the other day, how it seems like everyone who is hiring for anything i’d actually want to do, or might be good at, wants excessive credentials, just to even consider you… but then they hire someone with said credentials, and they end up doing the quickest and least maintainable thing, leaving even more work for the next guy who comes along having to fix the previous person’s work, and then add-in his own.
Theoretically, hypothetically, i certainly “could” do web-work for people. But i lack any degrees or credentials, and so no one would want me. Doesn’t matter that i understand the principles and have 24/7 access to all the web-resources i can find (and there are Many), or that i have “great ideas” about how to modify what already exists.
And even if someone did want to hire me to do such things, i’d be slow at it. I’m not really “in the game” at this point… but that’s part of what i’ve been trying to get set up and ready for. It’s just taking a long ass time because i have extremely limited resources, and too many problems i can’t solve at once.
Plus, nowadays you can just drop a couple bills and have an adequately functional, mostly-done-for-you wordpress site.
I have ideas but lack the means to implement them.
I would have zero objection to spending multiple hours each day crawling through code and learning new things, if i knew i was getting paid for it. Knowing i’m not getting paid for anything at all, unless someone buys something from/through me, can be very discouraging. And then there’s the problem of hacking the minds of the consumers. It’s a giant fractal of rabbit holes, and it almost always seems to spread me too thin.
I have to embrace the notion that the only avenues worth pursuing, are those capable of reaching the desired results. Unfortunately, that might (and often does) mean total failure.
I can trace almost all of the reasons my life has been the way it has, all the way back to the beginning. It’s like it was over before it ever began, because those in control of the beginnings, have prevented me from accessing viable means to worthwhile ends, not to mention the physical parts i can’t change, which could have at least been helped, had those same controllers chosen to allow for access to that help when it was needed.
But back to graphic design… i’m usually meticulous about anything i make. That could become something… but all these small fires keep me from spending a long and uninterrupted span of time, and due to my physical issues and lack of funds, it takes me a lot of time to get situated.
Like i said: too many things are wrong. Some of those things could be fixed if others would cooperate, while other things cannot be fixed, regardless.
Home life hasn’t been terrible lately. I’m just overwhelmed with stress, distress, frustration, despair… and the cycle between furious and despondent, takes a constantly heavy toll. I feel like i just don’t have enough of myself to spend on anything. And lately i’ve been feeling like i’m just not really that interested in anything that can be within my control to manifest.
Everything i really want, depends on placing emphatic effort on persuading someone else, or just being naturally favored by them (and i would obviously prefer the latter, though the former is far more likely).
I think that doing absolutely nothing at all, has become my favorite thing. It’s the only thing that doesn’t require pain to be accessed or enjoyed.
And it seems kinda stupid to live just to do nothing… especially when most of that doing of nothing, is tainted by wishing for what never was or will be.
I could say “what’s the point?”
But the point is to do what i can’t do. But i can’t do it.
@Clevername I get you, but it’s important for you to get to a point where you can provide for yourself. You don’t want to rely on the charity of others forever. If they decide to kick you out, you’re screwed.
I’ve seen places where people put up ads for web work. What if you responded to one of those? I’m not sure exactly what enables a person to join this freelance organization, but it might be worth looking into. Some random puts up their request, you contact them with your offers of assistance, or perform the task for them (i.e., create a website design), send them your work, and if they like it they’ll allow you to set it up and pay you. If they don’t like it I suppose you’ll feel like you wasted your time, but it’s better than feeling constantly despondent, no?
@ Duke; If you’re not down with the lions, check this out:
The jockeys each get their own paintball gun. As they race around the track, bouncing and hustling for position, they also shoot each other with powerful projectiles packed with paint. The jockeys attempt to shoot other jockeys while avoiding getting shot themselves. Points are subtracted for accidentally shooting horses.
Sorry for the delay, by the way. I’m out & about today.
This handyman guy just came by my house. He’s around 60 years old; very intellectual, always has interesting things to say. He asked me if I was going back to school and I told him I was hoping to move out to the West Coast and go to school there. He told me that I should go to Portland, Oregon, and if I like to travel, that I should get a degree to teach English as a second language, and then I can go to places like China, Japan, South Korea, etc. China is particularly appealing to him. He likes the idea of that country being in a constant state of ‘flux’ and change – unlike Japan, which, although involved in technological innovations, pertains to a structured sort of culture (perhaps not so much anymore, but the Japanese aren’t very fond of Westerners).
I’m not sure if I’d want to teach in a communist country… I’ve always been interested in teaching English in South Korea, though. Eh, who knows. I think I’d like to try my hand at screenwriting first.
“…it’s important for you to get to a point where you can provide for yourself. You don’t want to rely on the charity of others forever. If they decide to kick you out, you’re screwed.”
Yeah, well, that’s why i’m here. I can’t do what i need to do. I keep saying that, but it doesn’t seem to ever really register with anyone. I’ve known that and why it’s important, as long as you’ve been alive. Perhaps you felt the need to state the obvious, but in so doing, i feel like i am yet again being called a child, having my insurmountable struggles diminished and minimized, rather than anyone accepting that i have an actual disability, for which i have never received adequate help. I don’t think anyone really “owes me” any help… but whether i feel anyone owes anything, does not change the reality of my needs, nor the fact that for as long as you’ve been alive, i have never had what i needed. Do you think living for 20+ years, since childhood, without my needs being met, should produce a viable, capable, self-sufficient adult? It seems like most people expect things to magically grow into fruition without proper care and fertilization. If you sow seeds in barren land, expecting a bountiful harvest… “you’re gonna have a bad time.”
I never wanted to rely on the charity of others. It’s infuriating that i have no other viable option. If i had a viable option, i wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have to worry about being kicked out. If i had a viable option that was reliable and sustainable, i would be supporting myself, on my own terms.
But because some undefined extended amount of time has passed, somehow the limits and impedance imposed upon me at an early age, and throughout my life, by the choices of others, made without consideration for my well-being, has been shifted to seem like my own fault. But it’s never the plant’s fault or the seed’s fault, when it’s planted in barren soil and cannot grow, or when it’s planted in fertile soil without being watered, or watered without adequate exposure to sunlight.
But everyone wants to blame the plant, instead of the planter. Everyone wants to blame the seed for what has not be reaped. Everyone wants to blame the sun itself, or even the shade, or the water, or the barren soil… when any farmer will tell you, you reap what you sow. Cultivation takes a lot more than jamming a seed in the soil and waiting and praying that everything just magically works out.
At this point, i already know i’m screwed. And it’s not even really my fault. I did the best i could to take root and grow and bloom… but my farmers didn’t bother to ensure i would have what i needed to thrive. They were careless and ignorant and ran with fantastical and unreasonable expectations. They didn’t ensure my growth or protect me from predictable harm, and when i was predictably damaged, they didn’t take action to ensure my wounds would heal as well as possible.
And then one day, too soon, before i could ever have had a chance to fully recover from my childhood, i was on my own… underdeveloped, damaged, wilted, and almost completely alone. After a few years of experiencing the impossible struggle to support myself, which i ultimately couldn’t, something happened to someone close to me, and i just broke down, and ended up moving back home… which was a different home than i had ever had before, though it was (and still is) my original home town.
I think that i have known since over a decade ago, that it was already too late for me to make it in this world. But i would bide my time and let the willing help me, if they could. I would embrace hope and strive for self-improvement, and explore what options might exist, so that i could know what’s out there, before making any choices to which i would have to commit.
But i just couldn’t do it. There were too many obstacles placed in my path by the same methods that occurred in my childhood. Only this time, i was losing my twenties because of it. I lived on weed and anger, for years. Eventually, some bad things happened and i physically could no longer handle the transformation of anger as fuel, into productive exertion.
I have repeatedly attempted to explain things to people, hoping someone would understand… but no one ever does. A few got close, but i can’t blame them for retreating from an unsolvable problem that is painful to confront and consider.
Everyone wants to act like i’m “just being childish,” instead of accepting that i’ve suffered extensive damage, which i’ve endured for a very long time, as it gradually increased in difficulty, to the point where i cannot even manage it in a functional way, anymore. I was never allowed to recover, and now i can’t make it.
Few things infuriate me more than being blamed, accused of being immature, due to being unable to overcome problems i was born into. I didn’t ask to be born, and i damn sure didn’t ask to encounter the problems others have created for me.
What i did request, was help to recover, so that i could equalize, stabilize, and then better myself, so that i could support myself and begin my life; the life i was never allowed to have. But it’s like no one ever understood that my needs were not the same as “the typical person.” Or, they understood but didn’t care. Or they expected me to just conform, just go along with whatever, because “beggars can’t be choosers.”
I don’t want anyone to help me have a life i don’t want.
Help is only worth anything when it accomplishes what i need, and what i want.
But what else am i supposed to think? What is the alternative? Should i instead think that people do understand, but no one is both willing and able to help in the ways i need? I’ve spent a lot of time thinking that too.
But what it boils down to, is that i don’t have what i need, and i can’t do what i need to do, regardless of whether anyone understands or cares. And that’s all i want. I want to be able to do what i need to do. Whether anyone “cares” or “understands,” is completely irrelevant, except in the case where those factors are paramount in accessing the help i actually need.
And it’s all so overwhelmingly demoralizing, discouraging, exhausting… that i just can’t engage this realm of pursuit 100% of the time. I just can’t. I know my limits, because i’ve both reached and surpassed them. I’ve pushed myself as hard and as far as i can go, countless times. I know when it’s legitimately time to ask for help. And when i finally break and ask for help… it’s either not there, or not what i need.
I’m so tired of my life. I’m so tired of existing with these perpetual and increasing difficulties. I’m so tired of going without what i need, and being unable to do what i need to do. I’m so tired of being alive, but unable to live. I’m so tired of trying so hard to communicate… but no one ever seems to really understand me. I’m tired of being broken, with no way to repair and recover. I’m tired of being tired. I’m sick of being sick. I’m sick and tired of Being.
@Clevername… I want to give you a hug, although I know that wouldn’t help anything.
No, I do understand on some level, based on my own experiences; I’ve been in a situation for almost two years that I haven’t been able to change yet, although I’m working on it now. I too have health problems, as I’ve told you, which limits my capability for adequate effort.
I did not mean to imply that you were childish or whatever. You’re in the only position that was available to you. Honestly, I would help you if I could… If I had money to spare I’d send you a loan so that you could move away and set up an apartment for yourself at least. I think if you were in a different area, and met the right people, that things would start to go more smoothly. Maybe you could even get assistance to ease your physical issues. You’re a good guy, it’s so saddening to hear your story and that of others who are unable to escape from their present circumstances… *sigh* If I ever become wealthy, I won’t give my money to charities – screw that. I’ll give it to suicidal people for whom insufficient funding is one of the reasons they are in a bad place.
Wow Clevername. Your last comment really touched me. So much of what you wrote is EXACTLY how I feel. I’m just unable to word things as well and actually explain how I feel as clearly as you just did. I also feel broken, unable. I have known deep inside that I’ve already past the point of being able to repair the damage that has been done, it’s been years. My mind will never be as it was or should be. It’s only getting worse as each year passes. I feel quite sure that I will never again be capable. Able to blend in, to survive, to live up to the challenges that life presents. They are too immense for me. I just can’t do it. I am too broken, in every way. Thank you for sharing your feelings…
my point was/is: if you can’t do it honestly (which is impossible in this society) then do it unjustly. and i’m not saying it in extreme ways like theft, but like the way businessmen do it. or leave big things, how everybody do it – by pretending, lying etc. i don’t know whether you have problem with its ethical or physical part. i tried to address the ethical one. regarding this thing you have to come down to their level, for money is in their hands. do you believe that working within the system, according to the system, is honesty?
but it looks like i’m again just talking theory, because i am not sure how it can be executed physically. i cannot think of anything, my brain seems to have stopped working.
but now i reread the whole thing.
i haven’t yet put my legs into professional world so i don’t actually know how things work. but there must be ways. you know martial arts, guitar, computer related things, your english is so good and write so precisely and have lots of ideas… there must be ways. what about write a book and publishing it online, or giving articles in newspapers or online magazines. but its not sustainable, right? then what about giving private coaching to other people about any of these things you know? i have in my area many people giving coaching of various things even when they don’t have official degree of it themselves; there are always people in need, and you can make it cheaper than others. it also feels good.. teaching. and you can hone your skills during teaching itself. its a positive, self-sustainable loop.
Hey Clever, I know the feeling. Of being stuck in a loop of despair. This site only giving so much comfort or none at all, because we’re all like injured flailing little birds trying to fly and all we can do is flail and squawk at each other. No one can actually teach anyone else how to fly.
I think the Police used that type of repetitiveness to show the futility of it. Sending out S.O.S’s only works when you need help solving a problem and you’re willing to try and put that help into action once it’s been given to you. The whole point of the song is how futile asking for help is. And the fact that if your S.O.S. is going to be answered, it’s going to be by you first. People respond to the first S.O.S. and then maybe even the second. But if you’re always sending out cries for help, people are going to give up, seeing that it’s not a situation they can make effective change in.
People want to be effective. They like to see that where they’re throwing their energies, is paying off. You’re no different than them. The difference is they can go back to their lives but you have to stay in yours, where it feels like no changes are being made.
But you can begin to make changes, you just have to get past the superiority you feel towards minimum wage jobs. I understand that feeling. I’ve felt before that I put far too much time into college and I’ve always been at the top of my class…why the fuck am I only making 9.50/hr? But the thing is even if “minimum wage is below your requirements”, isn’t making absolutely nothing even further below your requirements?
It seems like you’ve reached a block because you’re at the first step to change the situation, and you’re refusing to take that first step.
The thing is you can handle a minimum wage job. There are jobs you don’t need to interact directly with people and with you’re knowledge, you’d probably be great at.
I work a call center job that I do from home. All I have to do is talk to people on the phone and help them with their bill/minor technical troubleshooting. It’s not easy but it’s not unbearable either. I’ve only been working here for a month and a half and training took awhile and we literally got paid to do NOTHING, I’m serious. So the calls get easier, literally every day. The more familiar you get with situations and the services, the more it feels natural and 2nd nature. And that makes the time fly. And while you’re awake your brain is going, churning away, am I right? So why not just make $9.50 an hr instead of nothing an hour for your brain to be working. Plus, being productive 8 hrs a day instead of 0 hours a day will improve your outlook without you even trying. We were not made to just sit and stand idle. Just from a biological and historical perspective, doing that in the wild…was a suicide wish. Now we’re protected from all that so even though we have a suicide wish, we’re not going to be relieved from our misery by the jaws of a tiger. We’re just going to dwell in our own misery until we change something.
Also, in this type of job, if you get good at taking calls and develop a vast knowledge of situations and how to solve each one, you can move up in the company to being a support chat person. It’s basically what you do here every day, just typing, except you’re typing up solutions for money. And you can literally do all of this without ever leaving your home. This is something you could honestly do Clevername. If you want the name of the co. who provides this homebased call center work shoot me an e-mail. k8st erooni s @ yahoo . com
I don’t want to put it here because well who knows. I want to keep my job and it’s probably an irrational fear but I just don’t think they’d want their company in a suicide forum. Probably not desirable branding haha.
posting to confirm that i’ve read the replies since my previous comment…
But there are just too many things i want to say in response, and i’m not up to it at the moment. It’s weird to feel simultaneously compelled and disinclined. I intend to come back to this, but there is a high probability that, before i do, as time passes, the desire to do so will ultimately decline enough that i won’t.
For now, suffice to say: i’m trying to find a way to expend my energy that is actually capable of enabling me to Live, and thereby worth the suffering required to progress. Anything less is a waste. I am unwilling to continue suffering for less than having enough of a resource surplus to control my life and my health. If i can’t do that, nothing is worth doing, and nothing is worth suffering. Futility indeed.
I need a way to make my life antonymous (first time i’ve ever used that word; didn’t know it was one…) with ‘futility.’ I have never had access to a way that works for me. I was never allowed to develop into being capable of sufficient means. I was hindered and impeded, thwarted, kept down, in exchange for being allowed to survive, throughout my youth. I have lived most of my life on my knees, dragged down by others who live on their knees as well, all while hearing everyone preach and pretend patriotism by parroting things like “i’d rather die on my feet, than live life on my knees!”
Funny. I suppose it takes experiencing a life where the only option to remain alive, is to live life on your knees, in order to appreciate why that phrase ever became popular. Almost everyone who says it, and claims to embrace it, actually lives on their knees. Those who actually do embrace it, tend to die on their feet, and then we don’t hear from them anymore.
50 comments
its beautiful! nobody ever makes such songs in my language. i envy you people.
Quaero; are you in India? They just sent off a spacecraft to Mars a few minutes ago, under the Mars Orbiter Mission, called ‘Mangalyaan.’ Cool stuff.
yeah, and its also the cheapest one.. far cheaper than NASA’s. that’s we, always trying to save money 😛
come on guys,i don’t think it is fair to waste so much money on spacecrafts.their are lot’s of indians with poverty.is this fair for them?
The ethiopian government says.it build it’s own drone.and now it is thinking about launching a satellite.they are working on it with china.i mean is this fair to launch a satellite where most of your citizens are poor.i don’t think so.but india will be a great power of the world,that is for sure.
Hehe. Well, it’s a big undertaking. I hope the mission will be successful and the craft will reach Mars in September 2014 as planned… Hm… another reason to keep living – see what happens with that (and NASA is sending one of their own in a couple weeks, too).
Actually in 2023, this Dutch organization is planning to ship a one-way crew (winners of a reality-show contest) to Mars to work and perform experiments. I might have signed up for this if I’d known about it in time. The perfect career for the suicidal, right? When you don’t really want to die, but you want to get the hell off this planet. I’ve felt that way before. On the downside, you’d be in close quarters with folks who’d be bound to get on your nerves, and there probably wouldn’t be internet, so the planet-life could easily become extremely dull. *sigh* There’s just no winning.
thanks. i heard about that program too and was thinking of signing up. although i have doubts about its success, since its even before NASA’s planning of manned mission on mars. in school time i was very enthusiastic about astronomy and space stuff, and becoming an astronaut, or atleast be working in some form for space research was one of my dreams. i applied for an institute that’s very closely connected to ISRO (Indian space research org.) and graduating from it almost confirms one’s job in isro, and even got quite good score, but unfortunately couldn’t make it. but its good that i didn’t make it seeing my state now. i now realize that i was actually enthusiastic about simply knowing “truth” (of which we discussed), no matter in whatever form i get it. and later i came see it more in existential terms than simply knowing from brain. so, you know, its good i didn’t make it.
but i have lost much of my interest in these things now and so didn’t sign up.
@joinel no, china will be. our system is quite corrupt and hollow from inside, no matter how fast economic growth rate we show. well that’s just a personal thought, i don’t know much about economy actually.
china’s government is way corrupt than india’s.so i don’t think chinese citizens can live more comfortable life than indian’s.and don’t forget india has bollywood which will make a huge impact on advertising the country.as africa and asia economy is growing fast,and they are mostly bollywood fan’s.india will have a great chance to control the people.and indian’s won’t have a problem to communicate with this peoples too.because india has all type of skin colors.you can see all type of people’s in india.the other thing that will contribute to india compared to china,is it’s democracy.but this is only my observation.
@quaero Huh. I’ve thought about it before, but due to my health I don’t think I’d even be accepted as an astronaut. One has to be in tip-top condition. Plus, I’d feel claustrophobic living in a space station, no doubt.
It’s too bad you didn’t make it into the program. I doubt I would have either. I’m probably not smart enough for this sort of thing. 😐 But working in some field related to space (even if not being an astronaut), would still be fascinating. At least it’s a scientific study – you’re learning more about the universe, so it IS a form of truth in that way, is it not? I always wanted to be a scientist and make discoveries that would benefit humanity on a grand scale. I suppose it’s not too late to go back to school, but again, I’m probably not so cut-out for this type of profession. In school, it’s the memorization that screws me; I’m dreadful at remembering all the odds and ends for exams. Oh well.
@joinel these are some really interesting ideas. i never thought in these terms. as for democracy, i think its more of an impediment, yet its still plus point for india since world views democracy as good thing.
@persephone no no i’m misinterpreted. i wholeheartedly believe astronomy is a form of truth. and that’s exactly why i wanted to go in it. a perfect theory of origin of universe is going to answer all questions, i’m sure of that. but its a far-away thing. i am no genius to be able to discover that. so because of my impatience i chose relatively easier way – existentialism (although only i know it was neither choice nor mine). although i still keep thinking about the universe from time to time.
you can still be a scientist. Einstein made all his initial theories working as clerk. and, instead of what popular belief is, he hardly used any complicated mathematics. it was all just theory! or you may do wild experiments in your backyard. who knows you may discover something new. there are still many undiscovered things in the world.
@quaero
Ah, right. Hehe. “If you can’t be a scientist you can always be a philosopher.” That’s a good motto. I’m probably neither of those, but perhaps like you say I might yet have a chance to shine in the world of science. Hmm. I’ll keep my eyes open for opportunities.
So are you planning to teach philosophy, or is it merely a personal pursuit of yours?
I posted this because i’ve been feeling like an island… or that i’m stranded on an island… and because i’ve always liked this song.
I like the pace, the feel and the imagery, but perhaps more importantly, identify with the idea of feeling alone, stranded, filled with “more loneliness than any man can bear…”
So, all alone, trying not to lose his last shred of hope, he sends an “S.O.S.,” hoping someone will rescue him, “before i fall into despair.”
So he tosses his message-in-a-bottle into the ocean, hoping to reach someone who can help…
He waits a very long time (“a year has passed since i wrote my note…”)…
And instead of rescue, instead of hope, after a whole year of waiting and hoping, he finds “100 million bottles, washed up on the shore.”
Instead of rescue, or even just a sliver of hope… he finds that there are countless others out there, who feel just as hopelessly alone, isolated, stranded on their respective islands, on the verge of collapse, under the weight of ever-growing despair.
“Seems i’m not alone in bein’ alone…”
Bleak irony.
The song trails off with “sending out an S.O.S….” repeating.
This song is basically an allegory for how i’ve come to SP.
My message in a bottle, my S.O.S., was the search string i used to find this place.
Instead of the hope i was desperate to find, i received 100 million bottles, washed up on my shore. In my quest to solve the isolation i feel, in my efforts to reach out for some sort of hope or connection… i have instead found that countless others are also suffering this same type of hopelessness, this same type of desperation and despair, this same type of isolation.
“Seems i’m not alone in being alone.”
But knowing so many other castaways are as lost and desperate as i, doesn’t help me feel any less alone; doesn’t help me feel any better about the world, or my own life. On some level, in some way, it only makes the problem feel worse, because i know it’s not just me. If it was just me, or just a few of us, the world could probably make a few exceptions and help us out. But there are so many of us… we are too many to help, and it shows that the problem is systemic. The systemic problem is created by the system, by the way the system works. It’s not going to help us. It made us this way, because of how that system does things… and when i look around, i don’t see very many people eager or even willing to make radical changes to how they live their lives, even if it would mean making lots of other people’s lives much better, while barely impacting themselves at all.
At the end of the song, as they trail off repeating “sending out an S.O.S….”
It’s as if he’s snapped, gone mad, repeating the only action that hypothetically could make contact with help… but “i should have known this right from the start,” that help isn’t coming. No one who can/will help, will ever receive the S.O.S. It’s an exercise in hopeless futility, because there is no other option but to give up. He doesn’t want this to be the way things are, he doesn’t want to give up… but the only thing he can do, will not produce the desired effect. He’s going to spend the rest of his life alone, isolated, lost in despair, reaching for help that doesn’t exist, even though he believes it will never come.
S.O.S….
S.O.S….
S.O.S….
I keep sending out my messages in bottles, only hoping someone will receive them, even though i know it won’t do me any good. I mean… what else am i gonna do? What else is there? (note: these are rhetorical questions)
I just thought it would be an appropriate and meaningful thing to share with you all. I figure those most capable and likely to appreciate my messages in bottles, are those who have written their own.
Oh, the irony of sending out distress signals, only to receive an exponentially greater number of similar distress signals in return.
Castaways have been known to get rescued. The survivors from the shipwrecked S.S. Minnow eventually left Gilligan’s Island. Plus, that Tom Hanks movie where he had a volleyball named Wilson. (Can’t remember the name of the flick).
Anyway, my point is that history clearly demonstrates that castaways are sometimes rescued.
Castaway.
^ Oh yeah.
(Wise beyond her years). Thanks noonoo.
More irony?
I just commented the other day about how so much of what’s wrong with this world is due to people being so easily mislead by fantasies, movies and TV shows.
This isn’t “Castaway” or “Gilligan’s Island.”
This is “message in a bottle,” where no one is trying to save us, and all our distress signals accomplish is prompting others to send us their own distress signals. Meanwhile, the only thing some of us have to hope for is continued sharing of our loneliness. There is no search party, there is no rescue. If there were, there wouldn’t be 100 million bottles washed up on my shore.
Another one of the interesting and fitting aspects of sending an S.O.S., in a message in a bottle, is that it takes way too long for anyone to ‘get it.’
i keep sending out my S.O.S…. but no one’s ‘getting it.’ Or very few are. And all i’m getting back is an exponentially greater number of similar distress signals, letting me know just how many people there are out there hoping for a rescue that will most likely never occur.
Clevername you have a lot of admirers on here as I have noticed. Perhaps you should seriously consider using SP as a dating site.
lol persephone
“So much of what’s wrong with this world is due to people being misled by fantasies, movies and TV shows”.
You forgot to mention songs. Unless of course “Message in a Bottle” was based on an historical event.
I support your right to be pessimistic and/or gloomy. Who knows, maybe you were just being ironic in suggesting a song can be a metaphor for life, while rejecting other equally fictitious art forms because they don’t correspond with the hopeless perspective you wished to project.
Hmm. “Irony” isn’t the right word.
Tag team tongue-in-cheek antagonism, for the win.
I don’t think you’ve interpreted this from the ‘correct’ premise; your wording shows your interpretation to be from the angle of unfounded belief that i have any intention of ‘projecting a perspective.’
I’m not “projecting a perspective,” i’m enlisting a song i’ve known most of my life, to help me describe to others how i’ve been feeling, and placing special emphasis on how *my interpretation (whether or not i believe it is accurate, which i do) correlates to my own perspective and experiences. I realize not everyone is me, and not everyone faces struggles similar to my own.
I’m pretty sure “message in a bottle” was based on Sting’s actual life experiences. They probably embellished for the sake of record sales and top-40 rankings, but i doubt i can prove that (unless they’ve admitted such in some credible publication).
Seeing reality for what it is, and then noticing that a song, released the year before i was born, somehow not-quite-abstractly relates to some of my own actual experiences, isn’t the same thing as “being pessimistic.”
Something i thought about:
If “a year has passed since i wrote my note…”
“woke up (walked out?) this morning, can’t (don’t?) believe what i saw…”
So he tossed a bottle in the ocean and received numerous return-bottles a year later. For 6 months, no one has seen his message… for another 6 months, he has no idea anyone has seen or replied to his message. (unless they received them quickly, but then waited a long ass time to reply, for whatever reason)
It’s funny, more-privileged people always seem to love to accuse me of “being negative.” They apparently prefer to assume that i’m “choosing to make it /see it this way,” rather than simply stating what i observe. I would be inclined to counter-accuse you of “being overly-positive,” but maybe you’re just lucky, and are actually observing positivity and hopeful indications in your environment. Or maybe you’ve been programmed by too much “Gilligan’s Island.”
You’re right, though: i did neglect “songs,” from that short and non-exhaustive list, because i was thankfully not thinking of Bieber (or any of the other fantastically encouraging crap i’ve heard)… until you reminded me of all the terribad “music” out there. I suppose i tend to ignore that stuff because it’s just too sickeningly, maddeningly painful.
One thing i neglected to mention about the song above: upon listening to it, i realized what quality i must prioritize, if i am to continue searching for companionship; i need someone who is alone. The problem with that is: almost no one is actually as alone as they either actually believe, or dramatically make themselves out to be; but i am. And so i need someone who is actually alone; not just chooses to define themselves as such, despite a plethora of viable but imperfect options.
Have any of you ever actually used a dating site? To suggest that i should even attempt to use one, is almost offensively comical. Like, i’m inclined to be offended, but it’s just too funny. There is no place for me in that realm of impossibly selective, blatantly superficial, incredibly prejudiced “people.” Plus, despite “the feminism movement,” everyone knows no female is going after a guy without sufficient earning potential (or any, in my case)… unless he has the most of that other thing the vast majority of females want. I’m weak in both areas, and will not be able to sufficiently compensate for either weakness, and especially not both.
I am on an island, tossing bottles no one cares about, into an ocean i cannot traverse. I know there is no hope, but i’m human and can’t help being desperately deluded sometimes, when the despair overwhelms me.
I could pretend to be a heroic anti-natalist, and “project” a sort of pride about doing what my parents should have done: not reproduce… or i could admit that my lack of reproduction, or even companionship, is actually because no one in her right mind would ever give me such an opportunity. One of those things is “more positive,” while the other is more true. “Being positive” in this case, only works to obfuscate the real issue, and prevent the problem from being solved. But paradoxically, being honest has come to mean that i’m “being negative,” according to apparently most people; or at least most of those with whom i’ve ever interacted. I don’t want to be positive unless i’m also being honest. I don’t want to pretend i’m enjoying my life, if i’m really not; that justifies complacency, and hides the need for solutions. But since those solutions apparently don’t exist, or aren’t allowed, then i guess that means i’m honestly being negative, because i’m intentionally exposing an impossible problem, instead of doing what everyone else does, what everyone else wants, expects, insists that i do. I refuse to go along to get along, because going along with what makes it impossible for me to get along, isn’t the right thing to do; for me.
There is no choice. I can either do what doesn’t work, or i can do nothing.
I can suffer false hope that i know is artificial, awaiting what will inevitably never arrive…
Or i can invite the inevitable. The end is the same, and the only real difference i can make is to choose to suffer less, rather than as much and as long as i possibly can, until that same inevitable arrives anyway.
Sometimes i wonder what cruel tricks fate still has up its sleeve. Maybe i will get a glimmer of hope that seems reasonable, and then something “random” will suddenly kill me. Or maybe i will live in fear of random events, because i never got to live, and have been taught by life itself, to always expect too many complications for me to successfully deal with.
My future seems short, and will most likely be filled with constantly overworking my brain, thinking as many thoughts as deeply as possible, but never actually accomplishing anything relevant.
In that song, he says “rescue me before i fall into despair…”
Hmh. I still vaguely remember what it was like, who i was, how things were, before i fell into despair. By now, it’s like i’m tossing bottles just because it’s a thing to do. Sending out an S.O.S. that only other helpless, hopeless folk, will ever notice… which will be lost in the noise of the distress signals of countless others.
“I should have known this right from the start…”
Asking for help only ever seems to result in people telling me that others need help too… or that others have it worse… or that i should somehow feel guilty for needing help, and for asking for it. Even though lots of people say that you should ask if you need help. Maybe that’s not for the purpose of administering help to those in need, but instead, to make it easier to identify those who aren’t fit for integration or reproduction, so they can be cast away, ostracized, left to perish in decay.
I cannot survive. I should not be alive. I should not have been born. But i get to pay for my parents’ mistakes, by suffering an unbearable life, until i die. IMO, method of death doesn’t matter at all, aside from the amount and degree of suffering in question. Natural or chosen, either way, i have to face the pain of death after having a life involuntarily filled with difficulty and misery, without ever actually having lived.
My S.O.S. isn’t even about hope of salvation anymore. It’s a sort of mechanical thing that just happens from despair. I’m just putting my thoughts into words, into bottles, and tossing them in the ocean, while my ruined life and deteriorating body succumb to decay.
So i wrote a whole lot again, and maybe some people will read it, and maybe someone will claim to care, and maybe some will mean it. But i can’t figure out how that matters. Or maybe someone will decide that argumentation is the best avenue of response, and attempt to tell me how wrong i am about everything… from their own perspective… even though my life most likely doesn’t match their experiences.
yeah. love seeing the 80s songs here. im not even gonna attempt a reply, i agree. in fact, i cant come to SP too much, it depresses me worse, it saddens me, to the heart, reading the stories, the suffering. its wrong and it disgusts me that so many suffer needlessly while others have it so good. where the balance?
I get you clevername. I get that your SOS set out in the ocean is received and responded to by another person sending their own SOS all while you’re gazing at the thousands of other messages lapping at your feet. my question now is what do we do? we clearly don’t want to kill ourselves. we’re just in emotional pain. how do we who are seeking help to live do it knowing that countless others all over the world are also searching too. I wish I could be like mother Teresa lovingly in poverty and helping children all day everyday. I don’t want to earn a living. I want to live with my heart and soul. helping people who have their whole lives ahead of them when I can still make a difference in the life of an orphan. but that’s just me being scared of earning a living and looking for a way out. I too scared of people to teach and interact with kids. I just wanted to say I heard your SOS and I hope you heard mime and just maybe two depressed misanthropic people can help each my listening over the internet.
oh brother..
i don’t know what to say. you coldly writing all this itself shows its truth. i am trying to imagine and visualize your state but can only vaguely, poetically, not actually. one thing is you never gave the whole picture, you only throw a few bits here, few pieces there. maybe you like creating a sense of mystery. we say you have a chance and you deny, but don’t explain how. i read one of your post in which you wrote so much and said it was just scratching the surface, but still you can give a summarized overview mainly consisting of material details.
you have gone too high, that’s why you are alone. we all are struggling with our own capacities and limitations but we see it as we have not done enough so we suffer, that something is still undone. atleast i do so. but you seem to have gone above this psychological pressure. i don’t know how you feel. i don’t know how its like to be free and still bounded by circumstances. i do have experienced some temporary free states of mind, but to me they look like they are complete unto themselves, that one don’t need anything else once one has them. i don’t know in what way you want to be helped. you don’t even want happiness. then what do you want? peace? will you get that only when society changes? that’s an impossible, and thus paradoxical, want. are you sure you cannot do anything from your side?
you said you want to live life. but how can you do that, you have gone too high. there is no synchronicity between you and them. and normal life is all about interaction with others, for man is a social animal; that’s into our evolution, how can you change that? you must learn to enjoy yourself with yourself, enjoying being alone, enjoying your spirit.
but then you said you need money for that. then why don’t you get that, seeing your intelligence? why don’t you just somehow manipulate system to get things done easily since you know it so well? that’s where i think you are stuck (internally). its somewhat the same paradox faced by Buddha. when he got many followers he was faced with problem of feeding them. he realized he ‘has to’ take something from world. and he didn’t hesitate from begging (a way to manipulate people unjustly). now one can keep arguing about it, and its probably the best argument put by society against loners, but if you want to call, then call it a necessary evil. you must do it. its same like you said about accidents – you may have done however in your life and an accident can take it all away in a moment. just like that you cannot get away with manipulating world, some things are out of our control even if they are about ourselves and require our choice (i see accident example is not fitting here:P). and anyways who doesn’t do that; everybody is manipulating everybody else, you just got to realize it.
forgive me if i’m wrong in understanding your situation, i’m only imagining things. but you are to be blamed since you never gave us whole picture.
one thing i forgot to mention is: EVERY way to use system is unjustly. and everybody is doing that.
@persephone it will be more right to say that i am a personal pursuit of its!
i sometimes think about making a career in this field too. but my hatred for others won’t allow me to do that. how? read my post: With them everything falls (self-promotion).
Clevername – I understand where you’re coming from, honestly. You feel like you’re going in circles. I too find it difficult to work because of health issues and so on. However, because I don’t want to live out the end of my days doing nothing, I am working at a minimum wage job until I have enough to move. Perhaps you could try the same? After enough time you’ll have a decent amount, you can take that and rent a low-cost apartment somewhere in another state. At least you’d be out of that hellhole and on your own. From here you could work your way up, try to start your own business or something. Small steps. The most important thing right now is for you to leave this environment that only succeeds in bringing you down. (It’s the same for me in that respect.) Rather than worry that you’ll never get anywhere, you could try getting SOMEWHERE. Then you’ll be in a better state of mind, and you’ll probably be able to start earning more wages, and then you can begin to feel confident about pursuing someone. There must be a weed-loving, philosophical, honest, yet warm and caring woman out there who’d be perfect for you. Perhaps she can’t find anyone either, you know?
I’m not trying to be unreasonably optimistic; no, I believe that all of this is indeed possible to enact. Have you considered working at a call center? These jobs would not be physically difficult (you’re just giving advice to people on the phone), and you sometimes get bonuses and other benefits. (I’m going to try applying to a few myself.) Think of it as saving yourself. You might not enjoy the work, but after enough time, you’ll be able to leave your current area and start a new life, where you will be more likely to discover worthwhile opportunities.
Quaero – I see, aha. I’ll read your post when I have a chance. (:
P.S. @Clevername
My plan last year was to get a small apartment somewhere and if things didn’t improve for me, I’d kill myself then. At least this way nobody I knew would find the body, and I’d have the chance to write a will to ensure I’d be cremated and have my ashes scattered into the ocean.
I mean, there’s no harm in trying to go live on your own and taking it from there.
Some of you… many of you… still take for granted, your capability to make a worthwhile and potentially gainful effort.
You might want to think that everyone can try, and while that’s technically correct, not everyone can try in a way that can actually have desired results; some can only try in ways that cannot have the results which provide the basis for the motive to attempt.
As for employment… transportation, punctuality, and various other both personal and home-related issues, will prevent me from being able to retain employment for any significant duration. And that’s assuming i could even get hired anywhere, which would almost certainly require lies and a non-sustainable facade. I might be able to hang on for a few months at most, but at minimum wage, or even a little more, that’s just not enough to do enough to actually change anything. And that’s a whole lot of wasted pain and suffering, to not result in being able to make important changes. Minimum wage is below my requirements, but i am below the requirements to reliably earn even that. That is part of the root of when i say “i cannot do what i need to do.” And because i cannot achieve or acquire, and especially not sustain, what i need… i go without needs, and my deterioration only accelerates, making me less and less viable as more time passes.
But now to contradict myself: i AM trying. But i find there are too many things wrong, mostly interconnected, and sometimes it seems like the only reason i can’t fix the problems, is because they exist together, and cannot be separated. If i was unaffected by these problems, they would be easy to solve. Due to the effects of the problems, i can’t solve them. I know i need to break out of the paradox, and i know that requires just starting somewhere and adjusting as i go… but i can’t access or execute what would enable that.
I am trying. But so often, too often, i feel like i can’t even try. I feel like i’ve lost my ability to try, or that it’s damaged and shorting out, and only sporadically functions, and then isn’t reliable at all, and can suddenly become disabled or dysfunctional, so that i can’t even use it.
That’s the one thing that ever made me think “don’t know what you got, ’til it’s gone…” was ever accurate. I’ve always known and appreciated what i had, when i had it… but i never thought i could lose the ability to even try (in meaningful and potentially successful ways; or even at all, sometimes…).
And i don’t expect most people to understand that at all. Most people do indeed have that ability, especially the younger ones, who haven’t yet been thoroughly ravaged by despair for as long and as deeply as i have.
So, protip: you can actually lose your ability to try. Embrace it and exploit the hell out of it, while you can, while you have it, and know that it can be lost. Know you have it, before it’s gone; use it or lose it. You might lose it anyway, someday, without your consent. It can actually be taken from you in various ways, by various means.
Silvestre de Souza just brought up a four timer at Kempton when Pretend ran out an easy winner of the 6:00 pm. The giant horse dwarfed the others in the parade ring and so it proved to be on the track. Breaking smartly, Pretend was sent straight to the lead and never saw another rival. Entering the straight he drew further and further clear winning by around 10 lengths. If Urban Dance can win the next that’ll be 5 for SDS and 4 for Godolphin in the first 5 races.
you are talking so despair-ly. i really want to help. please please answer my questions. please reread and reconsider what i wrote.
Hah! A larger than usual horse by the name of “pretend,” winning by ten lengths?
That’s some sort of allegory for life. “Pretend is bigger than the rest, and wins by staggering margin.”
There wouldn’t happen to have been any horse named “truth” or “honesty” in the trailing pack, would there? And if so, were they undersized?
Clevername; are you any good at graphic design? Could you do web work for people? It would be a freelance employment and it pays well.
You know what might make horse racing even more exciting? A few seconds after the gates open and the horses start running, release a hungry lion onto the track. Let the lion chase after the horses but give the horses a five second head start. I suspect this would motivate the horses to run faster.
If there are kids in the audience maybe the lion could be trained to just take a bite out of the losing horse instead of killing it.
Hmm. You could substitute the lion for a pack of wolves, but I think a lion would be more of a crowd favorite.
@ C4 in America they have 1f races. I just watched one over 3f. It’s ridiculous. Do you honestly think those people are ready for lions?
I can’t claim to be “good at graphic design,” but i do tend to have an eye for aesthetics, and an ear for music. I also find myself drawn to and very interested in “UX,” aka: user interface design. I have what i would call intermediate understanding of html/css, but it’s been quite a while since i’ve messed with any of it.
I’ve thought about setting up a sort of freelance consulting thing, wherein i would pitch my services as a troubleshooter and UX/functionality tester, to various companies whose websites i’ve found to be lacking or frustrating in whatever way (a recent example of this is newegg’s recent removal of their “advanced search” tab… now requiring more clicks and mouse movements, some of which are “below the fold,” meaning have to scroll and then find buttons and click more times, to narrow my search… and even their search functionality has changed in a way i find annoying; i doubt i’m the only one to notice).
But it just seems like something no one would want to pay another freelance person to care about. I’m sure places like that have regular hacker employees, and others on retainer, for just these types of things. If they didn’t, the previously more favorable setup would not have been changed in the first place.
In the web-design realm, it’s much like any other area of interest, for me: i lack official credentials, and am not inclined to do things the (imo wrong) way most others do things, which is what most companies are expecting.
I was also telling my sister just the other day, how it seems like everyone who is hiring for anything i’d actually want to do, or might be good at, wants excessive credentials, just to even consider you… but then they hire someone with said credentials, and they end up doing the quickest and least maintainable thing, leaving even more work for the next guy who comes along having to fix the previous person’s work, and then add-in his own.
Theoretically, hypothetically, i certainly “could” do web-work for people. But i lack any degrees or credentials, and so no one would want me. Doesn’t matter that i understand the principles and have 24/7 access to all the web-resources i can find (and there are Many), or that i have “great ideas” about how to modify what already exists.
And even if someone did want to hire me to do such things, i’d be slow at it. I’m not really “in the game” at this point… but that’s part of what i’ve been trying to get set up and ready for. It’s just taking a long ass time because i have extremely limited resources, and too many problems i can’t solve at once.
Plus, nowadays you can just drop a couple bills and have an adequately functional, mostly-done-for-you wordpress site.
I have ideas but lack the means to implement them.
I would have zero objection to spending multiple hours each day crawling through code and learning new things, if i knew i was getting paid for it. Knowing i’m not getting paid for anything at all, unless someone buys something from/through me, can be very discouraging. And then there’s the problem of hacking the minds of the consumers. It’s a giant fractal of rabbit holes, and it almost always seems to spread me too thin.
I have to embrace the notion that the only avenues worth pursuing, are those capable of reaching the desired results. Unfortunately, that might (and often does) mean total failure.
I can trace almost all of the reasons my life has been the way it has, all the way back to the beginning. It’s like it was over before it ever began, because those in control of the beginnings, have prevented me from accessing viable means to worthwhile ends, not to mention the physical parts i can’t change, which could have at least been helped, had those same controllers chosen to allow for access to that help when it was needed.
But back to graphic design… i’m usually meticulous about anything i make. That could become something… but all these small fires keep me from spending a long and uninterrupted span of time, and due to my physical issues and lack of funds, it takes me a lot of time to get situated.
Like i said: too many things are wrong. Some of those things could be fixed if others would cooperate, while other things cannot be fixed, regardless.
Home life hasn’t been terrible lately. I’m just overwhelmed with stress, distress, frustration, despair… and the cycle between furious and despondent, takes a constantly heavy toll. I feel like i just don’t have enough of myself to spend on anything. And lately i’ve been feeling like i’m just not really that interested in anything that can be within my control to manifest.
Everything i really want, depends on placing emphatic effort on persuading someone else, or just being naturally favored by them (and i would obviously prefer the latter, though the former is far more likely).
I think that doing absolutely nothing at all, has become my favorite thing. It’s the only thing that doesn’t require pain to be accessed or enjoyed.
And it seems kinda stupid to live just to do nothing… especially when most of that doing of nothing, is tainted by wishing for what never was or will be.
I could say “what’s the point?”
But the point is to do what i can’t do. But i can’t do it.
@Clevername I get you, but it’s important for you to get to a point where you can provide for yourself. You don’t want to rely on the charity of others forever. If they decide to kick you out, you’re screwed.
I’ve seen places where people put up ads for web work. What if you responded to one of those? I’m not sure exactly what enables a person to join this freelance organization, but it might be worth looking into. Some random puts up their request, you contact them with your offers of assistance, or perform the task for them (i.e., create a website design), send them your work, and if they like it they’ll allow you to set it up and pay you. If they don’t like it I suppose you’ll feel like you wasted your time, but it’s better than feeling constantly despondent, no?
@ Duke; If you’re not down with the lions, check this out:
The jockeys each get their own paintball gun. As they race around the track, bouncing and hustling for position, they also shoot each other with powerful projectiles packed with paint. The jockeys attempt to shoot other jockeys while avoiding getting shot themselves. Points are subtracted for accidentally shooting horses.
Sorry for the delay, by the way. I’m out & about today.
^ Hahaha. I’d watch that.
This handyman guy just came by my house. He’s around 60 years old; very intellectual, always has interesting things to say. He asked me if I was going back to school and I told him I was hoping to move out to the West Coast and go to school there. He told me that I should go to Portland, Oregon, and if I like to travel, that I should get a degree to teach English as a second language, and then I can go to places like China, Japan, South Korea, etc. China is particularly appealing to him. He likes the idea of that country being in a constant state of ‘flux’ and change – unlike Japan, which, although involved in technological innovations, pertains to a structured sort of culture (perhaps not so much anymore, but the Japanese aren’t very fond of Westerners).
I’m not sure if I’d want to teach in a communist country… I’ve always been interested in teaching English in South Korea, though. Eh, who knows. I think I’d like to try my hand at screenwriting first.
“…it’s important for you to get to a point where you can provide for yourself. You don’t want to rely on the charity of others forever. If they decide to kick you out, you’re screwed.”
Yeah, well, that’s why i’m here. I can’t do what i need to do. I keep saying that, but it doesn’t seem to ever really register with anyone. I’ve known that and why it’s important, as long as you’ve been alive. Perhaps you felt the need to state the obvious, but in so doing, i feel like i am yet again being called a child, having my insurmountable struggles diminished and minimized, rather than anyone accepting that i have an actual disability, for which i have never received adequate help. I don’t think anyone really “owes me” any help… but whether i feel anyone owes anything, does not change the reality of my needs, nor the fact that for as long as you’ve been alive, i have never had what i needed. Do you think living for 20+ years, since childhood, without my needs being met, should produce a viable, capable, self-sufficient adult? It seems like most people expect things to magically grow into fruition without proper care and fertilization. If you sow seeds in barren land, expecting a bountiful harvest… “you’re gonna have a bad time.”
I never wanted to rely on the charity of others. It’s infuriating that i have no other viable option. If i had a viable option, i wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have to worry about being kicked out. If i had a viable option that was reliable and sustainable, i would be supporting myself, on my own terms.
But because some undefined extended amount of time has passed, somehow the limits and impedance imposed upon me at an early age, and throughout my life, by the choices of others, made without consideration for my well-being, has been shifted to seem like my own fault. But it’s never the plant’s fault or the seed’s fault, when it’s planted in barren soil and cannot grow, or when it’s planted in fertile soil without being watered, or watered without adequate exposure to sunlight.
But everyone wants to blame the plant, instead of the planter. Everyone wants to blame the seed for what has not be reaped. Everyone wants to blame the sun itself, or even the shade, or the water, or the barren soil… when any farmer will tell you, you reap what you sow. Cultivation takes a lot more than jamming a seed in the soil and waiting and praying that everything just magically works out.
At this point, i already know i’m screwed. And it’s not even really my fault. I did the best i could to take root and grow and bloom… but my farmers didn’t bother to ensure i would have what i needed to thrive. They were careless and ignorant and ran with fantastical and unreasonable expectations. They didn’t ensure my growth or protect me from predictable harm, and when i was predictably damaged, they didn’t take action to ensure my wounds would heal as well as possible.
And then one day, too soon, before i could ever have had a chance to fully recover from my childhood, i was on my own… underdeveloped, damaged, wilted, and almost completely alone. After a few years of experiencing the impossible struggle to support myself, which i ultimately couldn’t, something happened to someone close to me, and i just broke down, and ended up moving back home… which was a different home than i had ever had before, though it was (and still is) my original home town.
I think that i have known since over a decade ago, that it was already too late for me to make it in this world. But i would bide my time and let the willing help me, if they could. I would embrace hope and strive for self-improvement, and explore what options might exist, so that i could know what’s out there, before making any choices to which i would have to commit.
But i just couldn’t do it. There were too many obstacles placed in my path by the same methods that occurred in my childhood. Only this time, i was losing my twenties because of it. I lived on weed and anger, for years. Eventually, some bad things happened and i physically could no longer handle the transformation of anger as fuel, into productive exertion.
I have repeatedly attempted to explain things to people, hoping someone would understand… but no one ever does. A few got close, but i can’t blame them for retreating from an unsolvable problem that is painful to confront and consider.
Everyone wants to act like i’m “just being childish,” instead of accepting that i’ve suffered extensive damage, which i’ve endured for a very long time, as it gradually increased in difficulty, to the point where i cannot even manage it in a functional way, anymore. I was never allowed to recover, and now i can’t make it.
Few things infuriate me more than being blamed, accused of being immature, due to being unable to overcome problems i was born into. I didn’t ask to be born, and i damn sure didn’t ask to encounter the problems others have created for me.
What i did request, was help to recover, so that i could equalize, stabilize, and then better myself, so that i could support myself and begin my life; the life i was never allowed to have. But it’s like no one ever understood that my needs were not the same as “the typical person.” Or, they understood but didn’t care. Or they expected me to just conform, just go along with whatever, because “beggars can’t be choosers.”
I don’t want anyone to help me have a life i don’t want.
Help is only worth anything when it accomplishes what i need, and what i want.
It feels so fucking cliché, to keep having to say “you just don’t understand… no one understands me…”
But what else am i supposed to think? What is the alternative? Should i instead think that people do understand, but no one is both willing and able to help in the ways i need? I’ve spent a lot of time thinking that too.
But what it boils down to, is that i don’t have what i need, and i can’t do what i need to do, regardless of whether anyone understands or cares. And that’s all i want. I want to be able to do what i need to do. Whether anyone “cares” or “understands,” is completely irrelevant, except in the case where those factors are paramount in accessing the help i actually need.
And it’s all so overwhelmingly demoralizing, discouraging, exhausting… that i just can’t engage this realm of pursuit 100% of the time. I just can’t. I know my limits, because i’ve both reached and surpassed them. I’ve pushed myself as hard and as far as i can go, countless times. I know when it’s legitimately time to ask for help. And when i finally break and ask for help… it’s either not there, or not what i need.
I’m so tired of my life. I’m so tired of existing with these perpetual and increasing difficulties. I’m so tired of going without what i need, and being unable to do what i need to do. I’m so tired of being alive, but unable to live. I’m so tired of trying so hard to communicate… but no one ever seems to really understand me. I’m tired of being broken, with no way to repair and recover. I’m tired of being tired. I’m sick of being sick. I’m sick and tired of Being.
@Clevername… I want to give you a hug, although I know that wouldn’t help anything.
No, I do understand on some level, based on my own experiences; I’ve been in a situation for almost two years that I haven’t been able to change yet, although I’m working on it now. I too have health problems, as I’ve told you, which limits my capability for adequate effort.
I did not mean to imply that you were childish or whatever. You’re in the only position that was available to you. Honestly, I would help you if I could… If I had money to spare I’d send you a loan so that you could move away and set up an apartment for yourself at least. I think if you were in a different area, and met the right people, that things would start to go more smoothly. Maybe you could even get assistance to ease your physical issues. You’re a good guy, it’s so saddening to hear your story and that of others who are unable to escape from their present circumstances… *sigh* If I ever become wealthy, I won’t give my money to charities – screw that. I’ll give it to suicidal people for whom insufficient funding is one of the reasons they are in a bad place.
Can you be more specific, cleverman. what happened? what do you need, what do you want and who do you want it from?
woops. clevername. sorry.
Wow Clevername. Your last comment really touched me. So much of what you wrote is EXACTLY how I feel. I’m just unable to word things as well and actually explain how I feel as clearly as you just did. I also feel broken, unable. I have known deep inside that I’ve already past the point of being able to repair the damage that has been done, it’s been years. My mind will never be as it was or should be. It’s only getting worse as each year passes. I feel quite sure that I will never again be capable. Able to blend in, to survive, to live up to the challenges that life presents. They are too immense for me. I just can’t do it. I am too broken, in every way. Thank you for sharing your feelings…
*passed, not past.
@clevername
That’s brilliant, I wish I could express it so clearly. I wish I could explain to people too. Anything.
I’m sorry.
my point was/is: if you can’t do it honestly (which is impossible in this society) then do it unjustly. and i’m not saying it in extreme ways like theft, but like the way businessmen do it. or leave big things, how everybody do it – by pretending, lying etc. i don’t know whether you have problem with its ethical or physical part. i tried to address the ethical one. regarding this thing you have to come down to their level, for money is in their hands. do you believe that working within the system, according to the system, is honesty?
but it looks like i’m again just talking theory, because i am not sure how it can be executed physically. i cannot think of anything, my brain seems to have stopped working.
but now i reread the whole thing.
i haven’t yet put my legs into professional world so i don’t actually know how things work. but there must be ways. you know martial arts, guitar, computer related things, your english is so good and write so precisely and have lots of ideas… there must be ways. what about write a book and publishing it online, or giving articles in newspapers or online magazines. but its not sustainable, right? then what about giving private coaching to other people about any of these things you know? i have in my area many people giving coaching of various things even when they don’t have official degree of it themselves; there are always people in need, and you can make it cheaper than others. it also feels good.. teaching. and you can hone your skills during teaching itself. its a positive, self-sustainable loop.
Hey Clever, I know the feeling. Of being stuck in a loop of despair. This site only giving so much comfort or none at all, because we’re all like injured flailing little birds trying to fly and all we can do is flail and squawk at each other. No one can actually teach anyone else how to fly.
I think the Police used that type of repetitiveness to show the futility of it. Sending out S.O.S’s only works when you need help solving a problem and you’re willing to try and put that help into action once it’s been given to you. The whole point of the song is how futile asking for help is. And the fact that if your S.O.S. is going to be answered, it’s going to be by you first. People respond to the first S.O.S. and then maybe even the second. But if you’re always sending out cries for help, people are going to give up, seeing that it’s not a situation they can make effective change in.
People want to be effective. They like to see that where they’re throwing their energies, is paying off. You’re no different than them. The difference is they can go back to their lives but you have to stay in yours, where it feels like no changes are being made.
But you can begin to make changes, you just have to get past the superiority you feel towards minimum wage jobs. I understand that feeling. I’ve felt before that I put far too much time into college and I’ve always been at the top of my class…why the fuck am I only making 9.50/hr? But the thing is even if “minimum wage is below your requirements”, isn’t making absolutely nothing even further below your requirements?
It seems like you’ve reached a block because you’re at the first step to change the situation, and you’re refusing to take that first step.
The thing is you can handle a minimum wage job. There are jobs you don’t need to interact directly with people and with you’re knowledge, you’d probably be great at.
I work a call center job that I do from home. All I have to do is talk to people on the phone and help them with their bill/minor technical troubleshooting. It’s not easy but it’s not unbearable either. I’ve only been working here for a month and a half and training took awhile and we literally got paid to do NOTHING, I’m serious. So the calls get easier, literally every day. The more familiar you get with situations and the services, the more it feels natural and 2nd nature. And that makes the time fly. And while you’re awake your brain is going, churning away, am I right? So why not just make $9.50 an hr instead of nothing an hour for your brain to be working. Plus, being productive 8 hrs a day instead of 0 hours a day will improve your outlook without you even trying. We were not made to just sit and stand idle. Just from a biological and historical perspective, doing that in the wild…was a suicide wish. Now we’re protected from all that so even though we have a suicide wish, we’re not going to be relieved from our misery by the jaws of a tiger. We’re just going to dwell in our own misery until we change something.
Also, in this type of job, if you get good at taking calls and develop a vast knowledge of situations and how to solve each one, you can move up in the company to being a support chat person. It’s basically what you do here every day, just typing, except you’re typing up solutions for money. And you can literally do all of this without ever leaving your home. This is something you could honestly do Clevername. If you want the name of the co. who provides this homebased call center work shoot me an e-mail. k8st erooni s @ yahoo . com
I don’t want to put it here because well who knows. I want to keep my job and it’s probably an irrational fear but I just don’t think they’d want their company in a suicide forum. Probably not desirable branding haha.
posting to confirm that i’ve read the replies since my previous comment…
But there are just too many things i want to say in response, and i’m not up to it at the moment. It’s weird to feel simultaneously compelled and disinclined. I intend to come back to this, but there is a high probability that, before i do, as time passes, the desire to do so will ultimately decline enough that i won’t.
For now, suffice to say: i’m trying to find a way to expend my energy that is actually capable of enabling me to Live, and thereby worth the suffering required to progress. Anything less is a waste. I am unwilling to continue suffering for less than having enough of a resource surplus to control my life and my health. If i can’t do that, nothing is worth doing, and nothing is worth suffering. Futility indeed.
I need a way to make my life antonymous (first time i’ve ever used that word; didn’t know it was one…) with ‘futility.’ I have never had access to a way that works for me. I was never allowed to develop into being capable of sufficient means. I was hindered and impeded, thwarted, kept down, in exchange for being allowed to survive, throughout my youth. I have lived most of my life on my knees, dragged down by others who live on their knees as well, all while hearing everyone preach and pretend patriotism by parroting things like “i’d rather die on my feet, than live life on my knees!”
Funny. I suppose it takes experiencing a life where the only option to remain alive, is to live life on your knees, in order to appreciate why that phrase ever became popular. Almost everyone who says it, and claims to embrace it, actually lives on their knees. Those who actually do embrace it, tend to die on their feet, and then we don’t hear from them anymore.